Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Homework
-------------------------

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."








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Monday, December 30, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blood
-------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."




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Sunday, December 29, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Tonto & Lone Ranger
-------------------------

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look
toward sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell
you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's
it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo sh*t. It mean someone steal tent."




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Saturday, December 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Actual Bumper Stickers
-------------------------

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Montana - At least our cows are sane!"

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace..... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are bom naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"





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Friday, December 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Play a Game
-------------------------

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going
to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it.

The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The
object is red and grows on trees."

A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct.

Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a
different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook!

The teacher said correct.

Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?"

The teacher said yes.

He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said
"The object is round, hard, and has a head on it."

The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!"

Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"




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Thursday, December 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gentle Thoughts for Today
-------------------------

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."




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Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Seminar
-------------------------

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"



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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
FBI Warning!
-------------------------

WARNING: After a recent wave of identify thefts, the FBI estimates there are over 500 fake Obamacare websites set up for the sole purpose of stealing your personal information. So protect yourself and remember: the real one is the one that doesn't work.




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Monday, December 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New Company Policy
-------------------------

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.







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Sunday, December 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Hollywood Squares
-------------------------

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh




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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cold Cream
-------------------------

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"





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Friday, December 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Buying A Car
-------------------------

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "We purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "Why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting".

"What are you waiting for?", asked the cop.

The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."




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Thursday, December 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Arthritis
-------------------------

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'
then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.

I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.




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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
22 MPH
-------------------------

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."





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Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Girlfriends
-------------------------

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.



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Monday, December 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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7 Kinds of Sex
-------------------------

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!






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Sunday, December 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wooded Ravine
-------------------------

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."







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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Widows
-------------------------

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."




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Friday, December 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wise Sayings
-------------------------


I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me
neither."
* Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on
Saturday .night."
* Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase
sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is
the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog
vacation at the taxidermist."
* Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other
eight are unimportant."
* George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
* Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what
she's reading."
* Steve Jobs

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so
I said "Thyroid problem?'"
*Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for
black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black
pimps."
* Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson

He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of
it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that women are
too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
* Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that
many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men
think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody
naked.'"
* Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free
peanuts
*Jeff Foxworthy





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Thursday, December 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...
-------------------------

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.

8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.

6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.

5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."

4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.

3. Your other girlfriend told you so.

2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"





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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Toilet Seat
-------------------------

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take Care of another matter before she returned.


She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.


Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.



The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,



"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."


The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...
I just never saw one mounted and framed."





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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
-------------------------

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road...

SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?




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Monday, December 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Stiff Sentence
-------------------------

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your assh*le before prison...."





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Sunday, December 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Phobia
-------------------------

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into
bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the
bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under,
top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the
shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your
fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the
psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten
dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"




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Saturday, December 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Little Gas
-------------------------

While walking in the convent a priest passed one of the nuns and noticed she
was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight, are we Sister
Angela?" he asked.

"No, Father," Sister Angela said, "It's just a little
gas."

A month or two later, the priest noticed that she had gained yet more
weight. "Gaining some weight, are we Sister Angela?" asked the priest.

"No,
Father, just a little gas," she again replied.

A couple of months later, the priest noticed Sister Angela pushing a baby
carriage through the convent. Approaching her, he leaned over, looked in the
carriage and said, "My, what a cute little fart!"



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Thursday, December 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What Happened in Texas?
-------------------------

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately,
the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his
drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar,
handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a
shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he
yelled.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE
BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE
TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked
outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of
town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner,
before you go. . .what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."





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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Don't Mess With Old People
-------------------------

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had
breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.
He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!



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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Indiana Jones
-------------------------

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""?
The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?
She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".
She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)




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Monday, December 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lost My Glasses
-------------------------

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.



She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 76 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."



"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do, I signed up for five jumps a week."



The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.






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Sunday, December 1, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Simple Test
-------------------------

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents.
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable
to decide about his future career ...
so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid,
pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will
be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest -
but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will
be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ...
the son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the
light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative
whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room,
carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I
could ever have imagined ... "

"Our son is going to be a politician!"






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