Thursday, July 31, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Crystal Ball
-------------------------

During a recent outing in New Orleans, a woman sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked,

"Will I be acquitted?"





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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pest Control
-------------------------

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."





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Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cruise
-------------------------

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years
suggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and make
wild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.

He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle
of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,
"I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr.
Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick
pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know,
since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the
world?"

So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of
seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The
pharmacist finally had to ask.

"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30
years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why
the hell do you do it?"








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Monday, July 28, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ole Blue
-------------------------

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way
through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his
parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole
Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls
his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe
this they've had such good results with this program that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program? "

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all
excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back
in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that
little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks
to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"




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Sunday, July 27, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Baby Planes
-------------------------

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City
to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big
dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the
stewardess."

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can
ask your mother to explain it to you."





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Saturday, July 26, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Late Bus
-------------------------

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses
were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to
the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt
fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"




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Friday, July 25, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Strangers
-------------------------

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the
Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who
looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."





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Thursday, July 24, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Company Policy
-------------------------

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.







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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rigorous Exercise for Over 60
-------------------------

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full
minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.




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Monday, July 21, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Strange and Funny Tombstones
-------------------------

Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

******************************

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

******************************

In a London, England cemetery:


Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

****************************

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

******************************

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:


Here lies Johnny Yeast. .
Pardon me
For not rising.

******************************

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

******************************

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:


Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

****************************

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange. .
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

*****************************

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

*****************************

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

*****************************

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

******************************

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

*****************************

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the
tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

******************************

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More






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Sunday, July 20, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Zen Teachings
-------------------------

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.




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Saturday, July 19, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Southern Phrases
-------------------------

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"

"She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."

"Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."

"He's as country as corn flakes."

"This is gooder'n grits."

"Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to
help me enjoy it."






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Friday, July 18, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Skeleton
-------------------------

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room
for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not
be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton
in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should
call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet
and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They
said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more,
they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We
are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know
if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."





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Thursday, July 17, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Useful Military Warnings
-------------------------

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket
Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S.
Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's
left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry
Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col.
David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an
ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your
Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -
U.S. Ammo Troop




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Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Coroner
-------------------------

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you werent sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The mans brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law
somewhere.





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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hearing Aid
-------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."



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Monday, July 14, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us!
-------------------------

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.




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Sunday, July 13, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Inner Peace
-------------------------

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,
and a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell
Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this
on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.






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Friday, July 11, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Things Are Inevitable...
-------------------------

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer




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Thursday, July 10, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
4 Letter Words
-------------------------

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon, darlin?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darlin, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your Mama these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.






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Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Fishing
-------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into
the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the
wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that crap ?.."




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Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Marathon
-------------------------

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her
husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your
clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's
raining like hell out there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed
outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started
running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having
the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on
your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the
end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."









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Monday, July 7, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rules for Bank Robbers
-------------------------

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," comitted by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the
security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.





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Sunday, July 6, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Because I Care
-------------------------

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

This is why I'm contacting you....Well, my job is done!




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Friday, July 4, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Genuine Subtitles Used in Chinese Language Films
-------------------------

I love chinese/japanese films but have learned to wait
until the proper English translations for most films but some
of the original chinese subtitles make the films rather more entertaining:

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken

You daring lousy guy

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared ****less too much lately

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum

I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat

Yah-hah, evil spider woman!

I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynaecologist for a thorough extermination

Greetings, large black person

Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person




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Thursday, July 3, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
For the Birds
-------------------------

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."




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Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
On the Porch
-------------------------

Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench
talking........and the one blonde says to the other.

"What do you think is farther ......... Florida or the moon......"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooooooooooooo....can you
see Florida?"






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Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st July, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st July, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Take Care of the Big Rocks First
-------------------------

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."




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