Saturday, March 31, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Local Brothels
-------------------------

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check
out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is
this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street
in search of a more equitable shop.

At the second one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.

"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.

"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."

Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable shop.

His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the Madame said,
"Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a
stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the Madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman
in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."


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Friday, March 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grandma's Revenge
-------------------------

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and
headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."


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Thursday, March 29, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Anal Glaucoma
-------------------------

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

he says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

she replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ultrasonic Waves
-------------------------

A brash young man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a stunningly
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Your date running late?'

'No, no...', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I
was just testing it.'

The woman, intrigued, asks: 'Wow! A state-of-the-art watch? So, what's
special about it?'

'Well, it uses ultrasonic waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.

'Interesting...so what's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am
wearing panties!'

The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast!'

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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heart Advice
-------------------------

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion:

Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

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Monday, March 26, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Test
-------------------------

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.

This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right..


While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?

Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below..


Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly... If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.


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Sunday, March 25, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cowboy Boots
-------------------------

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on
a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

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Saturday, March 24, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Biker's Good Deed
-------------------------

A tough looking group of bikers were riding
when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge,
so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want
to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best
kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could
be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

The authorities think 'she' may have been pushed.


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Friday, March 23, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gallery Sale
-------------------------

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her
paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news
is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate
in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of
your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

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Thursday, March 22, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Does It Hurt?
-------------------------

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will
childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy
to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"


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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Vacuum
-------------------------

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Custody of the Children
-------------------------

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

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Monday, March 19, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Frog and the Engineer
-------------------------

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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Sunday, March 18, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Drops
-------------------------

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said,
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."


The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like
to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of
you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of
water."

"Coming up," said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."


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Saturday, March 17, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Senior Personal Ads
-------------------------

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in ''theVillages'' Florida newspapers:

(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)


FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and
belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.


MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.


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Friday, March 16, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Appendicitis
-------------------------

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman
kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be
a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy
to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him
so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.
Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence: Get well
quick..... From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."


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Thursday, March 15, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
First Date
-------------------------

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met
the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to
dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the
dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blind Rabbit
-------------------------

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management."


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Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
-------------------------

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered
up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the
well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then,
to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the
farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something
amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over
the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back and bit the sh*t out of
the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the
bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in
agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your
ass, it always comes back to bite you.

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Monday, March 12, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
State Trooper
-------------------------

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they
get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up
and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver
rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks
him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Pennsylvania son. When we
pull you over, you better have your license ready when we
get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger
side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window
and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're
gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that Son-of-a-B*tch would've tried
that sh*t with me!"

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Sunday, March 11, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
An Act of Charity
-------------------------

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and
was shocked to find her husband in bed with
a lovely young woman. Just as she was about
to storm out of the house, her husband called
out "Perhaps you should hear how all this
came about..."

"I was driving home on the highway when I saw
this young woman looking tired and bedraggled.
I brought her home and made her a meal from
the roast beef you had forgotten about in the
fridge.

She was bare-footed so I gave her your good
sandals which you had discarded because they
had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which
I bought for you for your birthday but you
never wore because the colour didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of
your jeans, which were perfectly good, but
too small for you now.

Then just as she was about to leave, she
asked, 'Is there anything else your wife
doesn't use anymore ?


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Saturday, March 10, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sex Drive
-------------------------

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive
is all in your head?"

"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want
it lowered!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sex Drive
-------------------------

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive
is all in your head?"

"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want
it lowered!"

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Friday, March 9, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dead Goldfish
-------------------------

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."


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Thursday, March 8, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Shortest Joke
-------------------------

Nominated as the best short joke this year:

A three-year-old boy was examining
his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

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Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh
-------------------------

(Who thinks up these things ???)


Vincent's dizzy aunt -------------------------------------- Verti Gogh


His brother who ate prunes------------------------- Gotta Gogh


The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh


The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh


His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh


His Mexican cousin ------------------------------------ A Mee Gogh


The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh


The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh


The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh


The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh


The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh


The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh


An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh


The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh


A sister who loved disco---------------------------------- Go Gogh


And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . .. There ya Gogh


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Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
William
-------------------------

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little sh*t's name is Kevin."


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Monday, March 5, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hardware Store
-------------------------

Harlow was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw
a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager,
to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked how much for the teapot.

Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lottamoney!" Mary exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Harlow had sent her to buy,
and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.


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Sunday, March 4, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Job Application
-------------------------

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.


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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st March, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st March, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tourists
-------------------------

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

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