JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Catholic School
-------------------------
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
-------------------------
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Monday, August 31, 2020
Sunday, August 30, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
First Hot Dog
-------------------------
Two scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to
the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor
and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too
pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other
nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
First Hot Dog
-------------------------
Two scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to
the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor
and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too
pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other
nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
-------------------------
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Saturday, August 29, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
You Know You're in California When...
-------------------------
Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on
a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring,
and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS
George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station
about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????
-------------------------
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-------------------------
You Know You're in California When...
-------------------------
Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on
a conversation in English.
Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring,
and is named Breeze.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't even notice.
Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS
George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
You can't remember...is pot illegal?
It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station
about "STORM WATCH."
You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cell phones or pagers.
It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Both you AND your dog have therapists.
You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????
-------------------------
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Friday, August 28, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Survey
-------------------------
A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought
of their ass.
85% of women said that they thought that their ass was too big.
10% of women said that they thought that their ass was too small.
5% of women said that they would marry him again.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Survey
-------------------------
A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought
of their ass.
85% of women said that they thought that their ass was too big.
10% of women said that they thought that their ass was too small.
5% of women said that they would marry him again.
-------------------------
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Thursday, August 27, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Two Old Pensioners
-------------------------
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the
place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met
you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas
works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a
grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one
from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting
next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking
it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and
follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works.
The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little
old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most
athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging
away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as
phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do
not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't
move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything
that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from
his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to
know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years'
time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that,
particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that
50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*cking fence wasn't
electrified."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Two Old Pensioners
-------------------------
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the
place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met
you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas
works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a
grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one
from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting
next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking
it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and
follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works.
The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little
old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most
athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging
away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as
phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do
not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't
move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything
that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from
his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to
know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years'
time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that,
particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that
50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*cking fence wasn't
electrified."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, August 26, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Crowded Airliner
-------------------------
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats aroundhim. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Crowded Airliner
-------------------------
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats aroundhim. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, August 25, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Top 10 Signs Your Company is Going Under
-------------------------
1. They start paying everyone in sea shells.
2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.
3. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.
4. The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!"
5. The initials of your company are "G.M."
6. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.
7. Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself.
8. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
9. You get a lot of memos in Japanese.
10. Your boss asks you not to cash your check until next week.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Top 10 Signs Your Company is Going Under
-------------------------
1. They start paying everyone in sea shells.
2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.
3. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.
4. The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!"
5. The initials of your company are "G.M."
6. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.
7. Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself.
8. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
9. You get a lot of memos in Japanese.
10. Your boss asks you not to cash your check until next week.
-------------------------
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Monday, August 24, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Sitting on the Bus
-------------------------
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Sitting on the Bus
-------------------------
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
-------------------------
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Saturday, August 22, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
-------------------------
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism
it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and
'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've
seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray
hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
-------------------------
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism
it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and
'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've
seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray
hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.
-------------------------
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Friday, August 21, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Marriage Seminar
-------------------------
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife
Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands
and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury
All-Purpose, isn't it honey?"
And thus began Wally's life of celibacy....
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Marriage Seminar
-------------------------
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his wife
Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands
and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury
All-Purpose, isn't it honey?"
And thus began Wally's life of celibacy....
-------------------------
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Thursday, August 20, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Steaks
-------------------------
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Steaks
-------------------------
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, August 19, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Getting Married
-------------------------
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
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-------------------------
Getting Married
-------------------------
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, August 18, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Lunch Hours
-------------------------
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Lunch Hours
-------------------------
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.
-------------------------
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Monday, August 17, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Talking Frog
-------------------------
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Talking Frog
-------------------------
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
-------------------------
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Sunday, August 16, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Drunk Test
-------------------------
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south
of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to
Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he
could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance
briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and
got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol
car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause
there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Drunk Test
-------------------------
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south
of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to
Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he
could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance
briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and
got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol
car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause
there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
-------------------------
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Saturday, August 15, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Things That Took Me Fifty Years To Learn!!
-------------------------
1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.
7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11.) Never lick a steak knife.
12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13.) "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Things That Took Me Fifty Years To Learn!!
-------------------------
1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.
7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11.) Never lick a steak knife.
12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13.) "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, August 12, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Wrong Side Of The Bed
-------------------------
As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."
But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.
Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.
Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."
Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Wrong Side Of The Bed
-------------------------
As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."
But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.
Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.
Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."
Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, August 11, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Playing Doctor
-------------------------
Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Playing Doctor
-------------------------
Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"
-------------------------
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Monday, August 10, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Attempted Murder
-------------------------
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Attempted Murder
-------------------------
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
-------------------------
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Sunday, August 9, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Ladies Bar
-------------------------
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Ladies Bar
-------------------------
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-------------------------
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Thursday, August 6, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Bull
-------------------------
My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.
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-------------------------
Bull
-------------------------
My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, August 5, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
A Sign
-------------------------
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart.
2. Form A Loose Grip.
3. Keep Your Head Down!
4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing.
5. Stay Out Of The Water.
6. Try Not To Hit Anyone.
7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead Of You.
8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others.
9. Quiet Please...While Others Are Preparing.
10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.
Well Done. Now, Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee Off.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
A Sign
-------------------------
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart.
2. Form A Loose Grip.
3. Keep Your Head Down!
4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing.
5. Stay Out Of The Water.
6. Try Not To Hit Anyone.
7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead Of You.
8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others.
9. Quiet Please...While Others Are Preparing.
10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.
Well Done. Now, Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee Off.
-------------------------
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Monday, August 3, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Bull and the Turkey
-------------------------
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Bull and the Turkey
-------------------------
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
-------------------------
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Sunday, August 2, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Washington Post
-------------------------
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is
an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a
real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
a.. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
b.. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
c.. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the
near future.
d.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.
e.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
f.. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.
g.. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.
h.. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
i.. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
j.. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off
all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
k.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through
the day consuming only things that are good for you.
l.. Glibido: All talk and no action.
m.. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
n.. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
o.. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot
be cast out.
p.. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half
a worm in the fruit you're eating.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Washington Post
-------------------------
The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is
an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a
real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
a.. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
b.. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
c.. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the
near future.
d.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.
e.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
f.. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.
g.. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.
h.. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
i.. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
j.. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off
all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
k.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through
the day consuming only things that are good for you.
l.. Glibido: All talk and no action.
m.. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
n.. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
o.. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot
be cast out.
p.. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half
a worm in the fruit you're eating.
-------------------------
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Saturday, August 1, 2020
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st August, 2020
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st August, 2020 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Lightbulb
-------------------------
Dogs' Views on Changing Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and..........
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Lightbulb
-------------------------
Dogs' Views on Changing Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!
ROTTWEILER: Make me.
LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.
BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and..........
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?
-------------------------
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