Friday, March 31, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Glass Eye
-------------------------

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...

... "You just happened to catch my eye




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Thursday, March 30, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Justin & Christian
-------------------------

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns
were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the
other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by
sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to
Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted"
& lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being
eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark
boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever
he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing
appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again
& he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back
into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed
back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends & bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see
his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy & became a shark",came the reply.

Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he
set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He
banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,
come out & see me again."

Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,
the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....
I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."





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Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gossip
-------------------------

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.





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Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dear Abby
-------------------------

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I
get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an
hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current
situation in Washington, DC.






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Monday, March 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Signs Found In The Kitchen
-------------------------

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your
standards.

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.

It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even
worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending
machines.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.

Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!








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Sunday, March 26, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------

* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

* Eye Drops off Shelf

* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

* Stolen Painting Found by Tree

* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

* Deer Kill 17,000

* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

* Air Head Fired

* Steals Clock, Faces Time

* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff

* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

* Include your Children when Baking Cookies

* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip

* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing




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Saturday, March 25, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Anaconda
-------------------------

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you.
Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle.

Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic.

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.




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Friday, March 24, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Oil Shortage
-------------------------


There are a lot of folks who can't understand how
we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.








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Thursday, March 23, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
How Many Women
-------------------------

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about
his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have
you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's
you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."





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Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Hard Look at Yourself
-------------------------

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"





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Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Accident
-------------------------

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"





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Monday, March 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
35 Years
-------------------------

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"

"Breakfast was my idea."




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Sunday, March 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Outhouse
-------------------------

Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."

So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"

Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"

Ma says "ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back,
"Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollars back, " now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet seat!"

To which ma replies "Hurt's , don't it?!




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Saturday, March 18, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Job Interview
-------------------------

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."

The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says

"Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question

"What do two plus two equal?"

The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question

"What do two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next
to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"




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Thursday, March 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heaven and Hell
-------------------------

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."




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Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Canadian Tourism Website
-------------------------

These questions about Canada were posted on an international tourism
website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Canuck.

Q: I have never seen it warm on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only six thousand km, take lots of water. . .

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)!
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a
list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North . . . oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.
Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays
every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight
after the hippo races.
Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be
safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.







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Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pest Control
-------------------------

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."




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Monday, March 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
50th Wedding Anniversary
-------------------------

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down
in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old
school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he
had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what
to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its
fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up
in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood
looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any
money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school
yesterday ..."

At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."






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Sunday, March 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chicken cross the Road
-------------------------

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
realize that he must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of the
road before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road.
What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not
taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,
which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having
the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road ..

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of
the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road,
I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled
about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain
against it. Probably.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY!
You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking
American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me what direction
that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to
sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave
me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken - cross the road? Did he cross it -
with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road - but why it crossed -
I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken is gay! Can't you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side." That's why they call it, the "other side." Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the
road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening for
the first time,that same chicken tell us, in its own words, the
heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting,
and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens .... It's easy, if you
try ..... Crossing roads, together .... Hoping not to die .....
Imagine all, the chickens .... Crossing, roads, in peace ....

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, Millennium
Edition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer
is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable
and will never cras ... #@&&^(!

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did
the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What
is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?




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Saturday, March 11, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Biker Bar
-------------------------

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."








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Friday, March 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Six
-------------------------

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up
bright and early and off they went to a local
theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride
in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!



Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
park, her head reeling and her stomach upside
down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where
her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then
it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic,
a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous
adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly
asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six
again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my
dress size."


The moral of this story: Even when the man
is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.







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Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
More Laws
-------------------------

The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.





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Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Turning Blue
-------------------------

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Wanda, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said Ed. "My thingy's turnin blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor took a look. Sure enough, Ed's "thingy" really was blue. The doctor turned to Wanda and asked,
"Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape," she replied.




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Monday, March 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Viagra
-------------------------

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks,
"Where are you going?"


He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."


She says, "Why, are you sick?"


He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff."


Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on
her coat.


He says, "Where the hell are you going"?


She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."


He says, "Why, what do you need?"


She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty
old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."




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Sunday, March 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hollywood Squares
-------------------------

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh




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Saturday, March 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Phobia
-------------------------

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think
there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on
top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me
three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"






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Friday, March 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever
-------------------------

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."




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Thursday, March 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Snake Attacks
-------------------------

This is true !! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you.
Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle.

Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.

5. Do not panic.

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.




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Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st March, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st March, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golden Anniversary
-------------------------

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen
when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their
Golden Wedding Anniversary.

"Let's have a big party, Homer," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered,
"I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened
fifty years ago."







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