Saturday, April 30, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
One Stone
-------------------------

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!




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Friday, April 29, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Impression
-------------------------

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied...





"Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"





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Thursday, April 28, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
William and his Dad
-------------------------

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you!
I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.
She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.
Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very
proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William.
I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never
going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."






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Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Sparky
-------------------------

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on
old sparky. While one execution is in progress, the pastor administers to
the other condemned man in his cell.

"Don't worry my son", says the pastor, "as soon as the high voltage
reaches your brain, it numbs all your senses, so you won't feel a thing."

Suddenly some horrible screams are heard throughout the entire cell block.
The pastor immediately ask one of the guard "What is all this screaming
about?"

Not to worry pastor, we had a power failure, so we're finishing the first
execution "by candles".





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Sparky
-------------------------

On a given night, 2 death row inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on
old sparky. While one execution is in progress, the pastor administers to
the other condemned man in his cell.

"Don't worry my son", says the pastor, "as soon as the high voltage
reaches your brain, it numbs all your senses, so you won't feel a thing."

Suddenly some horrible screams are heard throughout the entire cell block.
The pastor immediately ask one of the guard "What is all this screaming
about?"

Not to worry pastor, we had a power failure, so we're finishing the first
execution "by candles".





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Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Millionaire
-------------------------

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party.

During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.

The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.

Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!"




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Monday, April 25, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Classroom Stories
-------------------------

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."






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Sunday, April 24, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Definitions
-------------------------

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.

Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see.

Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.

Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.

Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official




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Saturday, April 23, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Red Ears
-------------------------

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"





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Friday, April 22, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Guardian Angel
-------------------------

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand
still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and
kill you.''

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more
step a car will run over you and you will die.''

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the
corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are
you?''

''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.

''Oh yeah?'' the man asked... ''And where the hell were you when I got
married?''





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Thursday, April 21, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Time Tested
-------------------------

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal






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Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Business Trip
-------------------------

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."




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Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dime
-------------------------

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"

GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."

The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"

GOD said, "In a minute."





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Monday, April 18, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gorilla Remover
-------------------------

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an
ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over
in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball
bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put
him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"





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Sunday, April 17, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
White Hairs
-------------------------

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"






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Saturday, April 16, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Stay of Execution
-------------------------

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner
is cold and I'm not reheating it."

And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar
ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot
soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and yelled, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER
STOP?!"




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Friday, April 15, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dilbert's Salary Theorem
-------------------------

Dilbert's Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work/Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Bummer.





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Thursday, April 14, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
History Class
-------------------------

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the
Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who
looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."




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Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Psychotherapist
-------------------------

A psychotherapist was enjoying a growing practice since he graduated
college. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper sign
advertising his services. So he told a kid to paint a signboard for
him & put it above his clinic entrance.

Instead of his business building up, it declined steeply. He had
especially noticed the ladies shying away from his clinic after
reading the sign. So he decided to check it out for himself.
One look and he understood why. The boy only found a small wooden
board to paint the sign on and he had split the word psychotherapist
into the 3 words. His new sign read:
Psycho-
the-
rapist





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Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Monk
-------------------------

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a
monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke
down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A
sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly
seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't
sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making
such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When
you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and
knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken
before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the
earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a
state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can
know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and
willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall
now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the
stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so
it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become
very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that
door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly
pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




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Monday, April 11, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Cat
-------------------------

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.



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Sunday, April 10, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Numbers
-------------------------

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says lil' Johnny





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Saturday, April 9, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men
-------------------------



1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died."

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean by love." d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?"

Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good on you." d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."

Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better personality." b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as pretty as you when you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."

Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t.




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Friday, April 8, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What is it Called?
-------------------------

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping
in the same room and one is on top of the other?"


She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."


Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the other
kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is
not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants
to talk to you right now."





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Thursday, April 7, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf Gun
-------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."



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Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
One Drink
-------------------------

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the
attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My
husband limits me to one drink."

"Why is that," the host asked?

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two
drinks ...anyone can!"





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Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Collar
-------------------------

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was
a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of
many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said,"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your
collar."






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Monday, April 4, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Life's Insights
-------------------------

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley
(lead Riverdancer)

2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own
jars." - Bruce Willis

3. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Satan.'" - George Burns

4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock

5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out
there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and
the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from
Seinfeld)

6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic
Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry
Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose
(Guns'n'Roses)

14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson

15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack
Nicholson





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Sunday, April 3, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Viagra
-------------------------

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist
to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just
want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."



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Saturday, April 2, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Suspension
-------------------------

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded
to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any
basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office,
followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't
win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at
this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the
basketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six times
seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-
one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making
such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."





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Friday, April 1, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st April, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st April, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Idiot Sayings
-------------------------

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President

"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

"Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college."
- Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner

"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible."
- Ted Turner, Media Mogul




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