Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Modern Proverbs
-------------------------

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.








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Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Body Hurts
-------------------------
font face=arial size=2>
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."




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Monday, June 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Marriage Phrases
-------------------------

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.




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Friday, June 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Golf Ball
-------------------------

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."




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Thursday, June 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cadillac
-------------------------

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to
California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and
fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the
high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test,"
replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking
the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is
a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering,
power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD
player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and
pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument
package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into
his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change
are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"





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Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
100th Birthday
-------------------------

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."



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Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Outhouse
-------------------------

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had
to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was
hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into
the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,
the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night
his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble
because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."




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Monday, June 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Presidential Quotes
-------------------------

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" -- George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign.

"This is a great day for France!" -- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" -- George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students.

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks." -- George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." -- Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989.

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is." -- Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund.

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." -- William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address.

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." -- George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." -- George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." -- Ronald Reagan

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." -- Ronald Reagan




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Sunday, June 11, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Lumberyard
-------------------------

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."


Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."


The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 2015. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"


Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."





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Saturday, June 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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A Veterinarian
-------------------------

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he noted.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" asked the priest.

"Oh, $2,000 a week." said the old lady.

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" questioned the priest.

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

The impressed priest said, "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well," said the lady, "he tells me he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

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Friday, June 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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A Bale of Hay
-------------------------

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

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Thursday, June 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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No Warning
-------------------------

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

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Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Whatever it Takes
-------------------------

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

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Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dancing With a Child
-------------------------

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.

After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

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Monday, June 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Guinness Accident
-------------------------

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

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Sunday, June 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
How True it is
-------------------------

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

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Saturday, June 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hot Dogs
-------------------------

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might
as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
...cautiously: "What part did you get?





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Friday, June 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who Wants to be a Millionaire
-------------------------

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."









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Thursday, June 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Gas & Religion
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In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an
Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a
gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the
way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts,
I'm turning Catholic.'








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