Friday, April 30, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tanjooberrymutts
-------------------------

By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes'
means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

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Thursday, April 29, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chicken Gun
-------------------------

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all
travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the
strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield,
smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the
back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the
British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

Defrost the chicken..

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Hat
-------------------------

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes I know" said the lady "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down then back up at the man and replied "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday! It's only a day old."

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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Lost Hat
-------------------------

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

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Monday, April 26, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Immigrant
-------------------------

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East .. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

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Sunday, April 25, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Life Savers
-------------------------

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're arseholes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

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Saturday, April 24, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Birthday Gift
-------------------------

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Vet
-------------------------

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small churchfound a pink envelope
containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was
collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive
pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until
the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.


"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a
week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me
money and I give some of it to the church."


The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot,
are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send
you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful;
what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they
made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does
he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two
cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '


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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Holy Email
-------------------------

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior
that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth
for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving
and only 5% are not.


God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion.'


So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel
returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95%
are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'


God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he
wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep
going.


Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Passionate Lovemaking
-------------------------

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are discussing their previous night's lovemaking.

The Italian says: "I rubbed fine olive oil all over my wife, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman says: "I rubbed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

The Englishman says: "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours."

The others say: "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?"

"Simple, the Englishman replies: "I wiped my hands on the drapes."


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Monday, April 19, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Farmer Joe
-------------------------

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"


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Sunday, April 18, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pecans in the Cemetery
-------------------------

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

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Friday, April 16, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Nickels
-------------------------

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS."

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Light Goes Off
-------------------------

72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Jerry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

Jerry replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Jerry's wife. ' Ginger ,' he says, 'Jerry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?'

'OH MY GOD!' Ginger exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!'


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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
In Honor of Stupid People
-------------------------

...some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1.On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

2.On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

3.On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"

4.On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

5.On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."

6.On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."

7.On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."

8.On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

9.On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

10.On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."

11.On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

12.On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

13.On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

14.On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

15.On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals

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-------------------------

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Larry's Proverbs
-------------------------

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're inthe wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23.. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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-------------------------

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Monday, April 12, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Math Problem
-------------------------

A little boy was doing his Math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...

His mother heard what he was saying and gasp, What are you doing ?

The little boy answered, I'm doing my math homework, Mom.

And this is how your teacher taught you to do it ?

Yes, he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math ?

The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition.

The mother asked, and are you teaching them to say two plus two that son of a bitch is four ?

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

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-------------------------

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Sunday, April 11, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chicken Farmer
-------------------------

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"


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-------------------------

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Saturday, April 10, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Staying Fit
-------------------------

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for
dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you
this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all
my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man
asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing
that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks
like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

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-------------------------

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Thursday, April 8, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
True Story
-------------------------

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs
-------------------------

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside
her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'' Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?

''I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.


The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The
official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument
designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

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-------------------------

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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Italian Bread
-------------------------

Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me."

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-------------------------

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Monday, April 5, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cigarettes and Tampons
-------------------------

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


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Sunday, April 4, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Seminar
-------------------------

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

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-------------------------

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Friday, April 2, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd April, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd April, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hypnotist
-------------------------

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,

''What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."


The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow that was wonderful!"


The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday

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-------------------------

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