Friday, August 31, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
-------------------------

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?





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Thursday, August 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Biker's Dog
-------------------------

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."





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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
22 MPH
-------------------------

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."




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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Laws of the Natural Universe
-------------------------

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.





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Monday, August 27, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Half-Fare Special
-------------------------


One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"







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Sunday, August 26, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ugly Suit
-------------------------

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted
thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get
rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit
we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit,
his seeing-eye dog bit me."





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Saturday, August 25, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Miss America
-------------------------

They wanted to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant.
Was that a good idea?

Do you really want to hear, "My dreams for the future include world peace,
and that my ex-husband gets killed by a bus."





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Friday, August 24, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Beautiful Daughter
-------------------------

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of
his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides
to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a
proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man
who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one
guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him
on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other
side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must
keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person
who pushed me in that water!"



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Thursday, August 23, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mid-Life
-------------------------

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you
are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you
naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still
half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be
long before your teeth are floating in it.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have
wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we
are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a
mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and
that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in
a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman
Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your
chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering
the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how
much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no
longer a healthy choice?






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Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Elderly Couple
-------------------------

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"






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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Life's Insights
-------------------------

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley
(lead Riverdancer)

2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own
jars." - Bruce Willis

3. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Satan.'" - George Burns

4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock

5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out
there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and
the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from
Seinfeld)

6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic
Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry
Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose
(Guns'n'Roses)

14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson

15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack
Nicholson





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Monday, August 20, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Creation of the Opposite Sex
-------------------------

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well... He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."





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Sunday, August 19, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mice
-------------------------

Three Pastors were having lunch together at
a diner. The first Pastor said, "Ya know,
since summer started I've been having
trouble with mice in my church. I've tried
everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing
seems to scare them away.

The second Pastor then said "Yea, me too.
I've got hundreds living in the basement
of the church. I've set traps and even
called an expert to get rid of them, yet
they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third Pastor
said, "I had the same problem so I baptized
all mine and made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"






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Saturday, August 18, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Controlling Their Women
-------------------------




There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking
about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the
third guy remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well,
what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'

The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife
came to me on her hands and knees.'

The first two guys were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.

She said, "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!".






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Friday, August 17, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sex Problems
-------------------------

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."






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Thursday, August 16, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Road Stripers
-------------------------

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road
stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever
painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead
had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had
painted 10 miles . The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the
job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6
miles and the blonde painted only 4 miles. The boss told her not to worry, you still have a good
lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5
miles and the blonde only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the
blonde, "What went wrong?, you were doing so well" .

She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."



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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
-------------------------

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.





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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
College Rules
-------------------------

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"




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Monday, August 13, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Mid-Life
-------------------------

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you
are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you
naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still
half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be
long before your teeth are floating in it.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have
wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we
are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a
mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and
that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in
a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman
Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your
chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering
the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how
much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no
longer a healthy choice?






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Sunday, August 12, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Medication
-------------------------

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."



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Saturday, August 11, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cold Water
-------------------------

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However,
John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his
grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned
about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge
that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are
clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he
was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let
him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"





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Friday, August 10, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Prospector
-------------------------

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a
tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in
town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and
clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in
one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey
old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't
dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you
old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old
man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started
hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12
gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd
stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very
slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman
stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin
12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he
quietly said; "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've
always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*****Don't be arrogant.
*****Don't waste ammunition.
*****Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*****Always make sure you know who is in control.
*****And finally, Don't screw around with old folks; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?




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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
-------------------------
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Thursday, August 9, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cats
-------------------------

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.



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Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Frog Sound
-------------------------

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound
like a frog, Grandpappy?

Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really
want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will
you please make a sound like a frog?"

Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.
I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...
Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa
asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when
you croak we get to go to Disney World!"




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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods
-------------------------

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and
says: How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right.

Tiger Woods says: "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're
blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards
his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice."

Woods asks: "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you
like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night!"




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Monday, August 6, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wrong Approach
-------------------------

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"





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Saturday, August 4, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Check Out
-------------------------

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So, which six items would you like
to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!






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Friday, August 3, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Experiment
-------------------------

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...

"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"



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Thursday, August 2, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Another Drink
-------------------------

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the
attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My
husband limits me to one drink."

"Why is that," the host asked?

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two
drinks ...anyone can!"




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Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st August, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st August, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blood Lines
-------------------------

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too
much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French
blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What
do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."








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