JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Viagra
-------------------------
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
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Monday, November 30, 2015
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Farmer's Kids
-------------------------
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him
and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really
like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him
to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is
needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll
get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that
situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him
wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ...
"as soon as that tractor is paid for..."
Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes
bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the
tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of
the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back,
mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to
deserve that!"
The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says,
"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is
paid for.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Farmer's Kids
-------------------------
A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him
and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really
like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him
to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is
needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll
get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he did understand that
situation and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him
wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ...
"as soon as that tractor is paid for..."
Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes
bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the
tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of
the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back,
mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to
deserve that!"
The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says,
"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is
paid for.
-------------------------
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Saturday, November 28, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Old Lady's Phone
-------------------------
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Old Lady's Phone
-------------------------
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
-------------------------
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Friday, November 27, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Lift
-------------------------
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski
facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long
flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool,
200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man
behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the
elevator."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Lift
-------------------------
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski
facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long
flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool,
200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man
behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the
elevator."
-------------------------
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Thursday, November 26, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Headache
-------------------------
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Headache
-------------------------
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
-------------------------
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Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Words for the Wise
-------------------------
1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh*thead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Words for the Wise
-------------------------
1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Sh*thead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!
-------------------------
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Tuesday, November 24, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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New Deputy
-------------------------
The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven", she replies.
The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"
"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.
"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.
The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.
"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.
The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
New Deputy
-------------------------
The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven", she replies.
The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"
"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.
"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.
The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.
"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.
The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
-------------------------
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Monday, November 23, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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New Cop
-------------------------
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.
"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."
"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."
"But, officer, I think you really should know..."
"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
New Cop
-------------------------
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.
"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."
"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."
"But, officer, I think you really should know..."
"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."
-------------------------
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Sunday, November 22, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Wife or Mistress
-------------------------
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Wife or Mistress
-------------------------
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
-------------------------
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Saturday, November 21, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Mood Ring
-------------------------
A wife reports, My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so he
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my
moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood
it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Mood Ring
-------------------------
A wife reports, My Husband, not happy with my mood swings so he
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my
moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood
it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.
-------------------------
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Friday, November 20, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Turkey and the Bull
-------------------------
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Turkey and the Bull
-------------------------
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Thursday, November 19, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Beer
-------------------------
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers,' a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Beer
-------------------------
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers,' a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Swearing
-------------------------
There are two brothers, aged four and six.
The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."
The four year old says "OK."
The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"
The four year old says "OK."
So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?"
The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."
WHACK!
The kid goes flying across the room.
The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."
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-------------------------
Swearing
-------------------------
There are two brothers, aged four and six.
The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."
The four year old says "OK."
The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"
The four year old says "OK."
So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?"
The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."
WHACK!
The kid goes flying across the room.
The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Tired Dog
-------------------------
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
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-------------------------
Tired Dog
-------------------------
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
-------------------------
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Monday, November 16, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Husband Store
-------------------------
A store has just opened in New York City that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited....
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Husband Store
-------------------------
A store has just opened in New York City that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited....
-------------------------
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Sunday, November 15, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Cowboy Logic
-------------------------
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest
Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for
controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the
ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the
predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they
proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the male castrated and
let loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's
Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought
about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and
said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't
f*ckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Cowboy Logic
-------------------------
There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest
Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for
controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the
ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the
predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they
proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the male castrated and
let loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's
Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought
about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and
said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't
f*ckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.
-------------------------
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Saturday, November 14, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Duck and the Lawyer
-------------------------
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Duck and the Lawyer
-------------------------
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
-------------------------
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Friday, November 13, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Outhouse
-------------------------
Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."
So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"
Ma says "ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back,
"Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollars back, " now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet seat!"
To which ma replies "Hurt's , don't it?!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Outhouse
-------------------------
Ma was in the kitchen fiddlin around when she hollars out... "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is now git out there and fix it."
So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, look's around and yell's back, " there ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!"
Pa yell's back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!"
Ma says "ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, pa sticks his head in the hole and looks around and yells back,
"Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollars back, " now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the Toilet seat!"
To which ma replies "Hurt's , don't it?!
-------------------------
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Thursday, November 12, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Constant Speed
-------------------------
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Constant Speed
-------------------------
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
FHA Loan
-------------------------
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
FHA Loan
-------------------------
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.
(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain
The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was approved.
-------------------------
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Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Think About It
-------------------------
I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a nail.
A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Think About It
-------------------------
I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a nail.
A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-------------------------
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Monday, November 9, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Marriage Phrases
-------------------------
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes2// Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
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-------------------------
Marriage Phrases
-------------------------
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes2// Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
-------------------------
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Sunday, November 8, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Forgive Your Enemies?
-------------------------
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.
He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Forgive Your Enemies?
-------------------------
The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.
He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three," she replied.
"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"
-------------------------
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Saturday, November 7, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Anesthesia
-------------------------
My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You`re beautiful."
Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You`re cute."
"What happened to `beautiful`?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Anesthesia
-------------------------
My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You`re beautiful."
Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You`re cute."
"What happened to `beautiful`?" I asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
-------------------------
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Friday, November 6, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
My Birthday
-------------------------
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
My Birthday
-------------------------
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....
Naked.
-------------------------
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Thursday, November 5, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Wages
-------------------------
The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Wages
-------------------------
The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.
The farmer said, "That would be me."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Engineering Position
-------------------------
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Engineering Position
-------------------------
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
My Mother
-------------------------
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?
-------------------------
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-------------------------
My Mother
-------------------------
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."
How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?
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Monday, November 2, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Vasectomy
-------------------------
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a
sex change rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
-------------------------
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Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20151102
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml
-------------------------
Vasectomy
-------------------------
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a
sex change rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------
Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20151102
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st November, 2015
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st November, 2015 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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New Company Policy
-------------------------
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20151101
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml
-------------------------
New Company Policy
-------------------------
When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.
-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------
Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20151101
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
________________________________________________
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