Monday, March 31, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grandma's Boyfriend
-------------------------

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one
day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma
was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the
TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was
terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the
picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried
to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

The minister fainted.





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Sunday, March 30, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deer Camp
-------------------------

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him
the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
all night. '

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all
standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof
with his snoring. I watched him all night .'

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly
ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob
into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.'




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Friday, March 28, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Teachers
-------------------------


These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in the
New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, some
of these are really funny!


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.


3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.


4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.


5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.


6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to hold
it all together.


7. This child has been working with glue too much.


8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.


9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.


11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
1,000,000 others.


12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.





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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heaven or Hell
-------------------------

A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady
boyfriend had proposed, but she had turned him down
because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't
believe in Heaven or Hell.

"Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us, we'll
show him just how very wrong he is."





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Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Damned Old Age!
-------------------------

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically in good condition for their age, but if they are having trouble remembering they might want to start writing things down to help them.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" his wife asks.

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks, recalling the doctor's suggestion.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. Just don't start with that! Leave me alone!! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles on into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"




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Monday, March 24, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Barber Shop
-------------------------

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While
the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the
problems he has getting a close shave around
the cheeks.


"I have just the thing," says the barber taking
a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just
place this between your cheek and gum."


The client places the ball in his mouth and
the barber proceeds with the closest shave the
man has ever experienced. After a few strokes,
the client asks in garbled speech, "And what
if I swallow it?"


"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring
it back tomorrow like everyone else does."





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Sunday, March 23, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Help Desk
-------------------------

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry ........
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ..
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front
of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Firefox.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.





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Saturday, March 22, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lovemaking Tips for Seniors
-------------------------

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.


9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(This was sent in large type so you can read it.)







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Friday, March 21, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Last Request
-------------------------

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with
your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
"Now, you have everything."





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Thursday, March 20, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dead Horse
-------------------------

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.






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Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Reader's Digest
-------------------------

Recently someone was browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of Reader's Digest
(dated Feb. 1962), came across this reprint from the Washington News and
found it quite interesting considering our current debates!

The Quote:

Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from an Indian (Native American) on a reservation:

"Be careful with your immigration laws. We were careless with ours."



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Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Genuine Subtitles Used in Chinese Language Films
-------------------------

I love chinese/japanese films but have learned to wait
until the proper English translations for most films but some
of the original chinese subtitles make the films rather more entertaining:

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken

You daring lousy guy

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared ****less too much lately

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum

I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat

Yah-hah, evil spider woman!

I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynaecologist for a thorough extermination

Greetings, large black person

Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person




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Monday, March 17, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Modern Proverbs
-------------------------

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.








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Saturday, March 15, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Final Exam
-------------------------

An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:

"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someone died in your immediate family."

Just after she spoke, a wise ass in the back of the class exclaims: "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The students in the class try to suppress their snickers and muffled laughter.

The teacher looks sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and states: "Well, then...you'll have to write with your other hand".





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Friday, March 14, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Top Ten Country Western Songs
-------------------------

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke
Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me


7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared
She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed
My Ass All Day




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Thursday, March 13, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Earring
-------------------------

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

(I always wondered how this trend got started.)



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Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Confession
-------------------------

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to
celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans
forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is
something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me
that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our
children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have
been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped
for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I
must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he
did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was
admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear
in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her
husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."




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Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
-------------------------

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?






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Monday, March 10, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Widows
-------------------------

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."





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Sunday, March 9, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Gift
-------------------------

Eddie was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Eddie got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Eddie have been scheduled for Friday.




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Saturday, March 8, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marketing
-------------------------

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.




However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:




* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.




* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.




* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.




* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.




* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.




*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.




* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.




* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.




* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's former President Bill Clinton.




* You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America!




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Friday, March 7, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Drinks
-------------------------

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.




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Thursday, March 6, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
I am Just Fine
-------------------------

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"





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Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Life's Insights
-------------------------

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley
(lead Riverdancer)

2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own
jars." - Bruce Willis

3. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Satan.'" - George Burns

4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock

5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out
there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and
the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from
Seinfeld)

6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic
Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry
Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose
(Guns'n'Roses)

14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson

15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack
Nicholson





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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Four Letter Words
-------------------------

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mama...words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."




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Monday, March 3, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Painting
-------------------------

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....


FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.





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Sunday, March 2, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd March, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd March, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Murphy's Technology Laws
-------------------------

You can never tell which way the train went by looking
at the track.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong
conclusion with confidence.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn
fool discovers something which either abolishes the
system or expands it beyond recognition.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they
do not understand.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote
programs, then the first woodpecker that came along
would destroy civilization.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely
with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it
electrical cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and
less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe
and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint
on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

All's well that ends.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and
the hours are lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final
inspection.

New systems generate new problems.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a
computer.

We don't know one millionth of one percent about
anything.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable
from magic.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20
men working 20 years make.

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a
crashed state.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting
in an honest day's work.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't
know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make
things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for
the serviceman.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will
take the longest and cost the most.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said
than done.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is
obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts
which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have
evolved from a simple system that works.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try
multiplying by the page number.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more
unreliable. Any system which depends on human
reliability is unreliable.

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that
might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of
pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other
variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds
that the competition already has the order.

In designing any type of construction, no overall dimen-
sion can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The
correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on
Monday.

Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it
itches.

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving
door.

The only perfect science is hind-sight.

Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one
to go wrong.

Everything that goes up must come down.

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least
accessible corner.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated
way.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool
will want to use it.

The degree of technical competence is inversely
proportional to the level of management.

Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.




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