Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Screw
-------------------------

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"




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Monday, September 29, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wife Asks Husband
-------------------------

Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM.




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Sunday, September 28, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Last Kiss
-------------------------

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive', George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe....why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she/he jumped or was pushed.





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Thursday, September 25, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Top Ten Country Western Songs
-------------------------

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke
Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me


7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared
She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed
My Ass All Day




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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Under Oath
-------------------------

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.




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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Gift
-------------------------

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"





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Monday, September 22, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Nightie
-------------------------

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go
out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her
suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute.
So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it
and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom
was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the
bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the
negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's
short, pink, and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"








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Sunday, September 21, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lightbulb
-------------------------

Dogs' Views on Changing Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on the dog's point of view....

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid bulb!

ROTTWEILER: Make me.

LAB: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE: I'll blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the sofa.

BOXER: Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

IRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover and..........

POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

And the CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs and I am not one of them. So, the question is, how long will it be before I get some light in here?






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Saturday, September 20, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Classy Insults
-------------------------

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder





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Friday, September 19, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Drive-Thru Confessional
-------------------------


The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the
balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.

But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.



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Thursday, September 18, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gram's Basket
-------------------------

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her
date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her
grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to
dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are
modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and
out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The
teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that she has friends coming over and that
it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your
rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."




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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Stuck Jeep
-------------------------

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a
red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "*Yours* is."




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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gas Can
-------------------------


A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity
Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a
block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and
quickly walked there.

At the station, she asked the attendent to give her a quart of gasoline
so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The
attendent told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it
to someone else.


She told the attendent that she was in a hurry and would look in her
car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the
only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could
easily hold a quart of gas.


She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendent filled it with
gas. The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the
bedpan into her car.


Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to
the other "If that car starts, I'm converting to catholicism forever!"








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Monday, September 15, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Medicare Coverage
-------------------------

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'









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Sunday, September 14, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Redneck Logic
-------------------------

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"




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Saturday, September 13, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Priest in Town
-------------------------

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day
in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there
was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly
called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin."






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Friday, September 12, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Upcoming College Football Season
-------------------------


I know many of you are looking forward to the upcoming college football
season.


Well, here's a little recap of last year.........


Alabama beat Arkansas and Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee and Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Auburn and Auburn fired their coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.

Question: How do we get the Congress to play Alabama?







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Thursday, September 11, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bear Remover
-------------------------

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."




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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Man + Woman
-------------------------

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.




LONGEVITY STATISTICS

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.






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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Jury Duty
-------------------------

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused
because she believes she's prejudice.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I
immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."





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Monday, September 8, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Cheese Farm
-------------------------

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These", she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."



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Sunday, September 7, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Forgive Your Enemies?
-------------------------

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.
He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three," she replied.

"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived every one of those bitches!"




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Saturday, September 6, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hold Me
-------------------------

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every
boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was
going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to
take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the
jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me
tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of
a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost
nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank
as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as
a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.






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Friday, September 5, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Redneck Genealogy
-------------------------

Two fellows from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon.

After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."




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Thursday, September 4, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Personal Ads
-------------------------

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered

SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.
$800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.

SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.
Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.
Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories
and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age
music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting.
Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.
ISO compatible F.

SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with or
w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.

SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet woman
of similar interests Must be ambidextrous.

DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking your
friends in closets, We already have three things in common !
Let's get together.

DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real inner
beauty. Send latest X-rays.

DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar
Riviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.

SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown
on"The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot




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Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Fly
-------------------------

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.




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Monday, September 1, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st September, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st September, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Hearing Aid
-------------------------

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a
number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh , I haven't told my family yet. I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"





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