Thursday, November 30, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Worm
-------------------------

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.

His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.

"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."

"That's from your grandma," said Josh.






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Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
-------------------------

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism
it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and
'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've
seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray
hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.







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Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New CEO
-------------------------

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $300 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Yeah, he's the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza.






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Monday, November 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Text from his Neighbor
-------------------------

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, and has a long drawn out fight with his wife about her infidelity.

A few moments later, a second text came in:



Correction: I meant "wifi", not "wife".




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Saturday, November 25, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Senior Thoughts
-------------------------

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.




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Thursday, November 23, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Words for the Wise
-------------------------

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!










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Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Snowplow
-------------------------

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......", then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.







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Sunday, November 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bedroom Mirror
-------------------------

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed.

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly..........pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....






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Friday, November 17, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Job
-------------------------

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am .
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA )
Was perking, he shaved with his
Electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
Designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and
Tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new
Electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
He sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)
To see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN)
To the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search
For a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging
And fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL)
Poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE)
And turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),

And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.





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Thursday, November 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Murphy's Law in Sex
-------------------------

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.


>/p>

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Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heart Attack
-------------------------

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over
here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him
play through."






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Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Service
-------------------------

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."


"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"

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Monday, November 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grizzly Bear Conflicts
-------------------------

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear
conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is
advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They
advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting
them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray
with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a
good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black
bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and
contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung
has little bells in it and smells like pepper.







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Sunday, November 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chapped Lips
-------------------------

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After
dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where
the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the
whole thing.

"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."





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Friday, November 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Dietician
-------------------------

A dietician was once addressing a large
audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs
is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the germs in our
drinking water. But there is one thing
that is the most dangerous of all and we
all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what
lethal product I'm referring to?, You,
sir, in the first row, please give us
your idea."

The man in the front row lowered his head
and said, "Wedding cake."







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Thursday, November 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mirrors
-------------------------

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man....She explained that all these lip prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are
teachers, and then there are educators...





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Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Prize Bull
-------------------------

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."






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Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Crossing the Delaware
-------------------------

When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are only 32 of us here without Peters.'





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Monday, November 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Advice
-------------------------

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"





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Sunday, November 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Don't Make a Nurse Angry
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A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."






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Saturday, November 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Yogi Berra Quotes
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"This is like deja vu all over again."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

"I made a wrong mistake."

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"I didn't really say everything I said."




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Friday, November 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Gentle Thoughts for Today
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Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."





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Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ever Wonder...
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Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?




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