Saturday, August 31, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Talking Frog
-------------------------

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."





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Friday, August 30, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Birth Control
-------------------------

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation
turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says
"We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm
method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer
method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others
ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We
make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and
when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from
under him




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Thursday, August 29, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bumper Stickers
-------------------------

*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
*I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
*Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
*IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
*Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
*Hang up and drive.
*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
*Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
*It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
*Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
*Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
*Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.
*If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.
*I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
*Never take life seriously.
*Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
*Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
*I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
*You have the right to remain silent.
*Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
*You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
*The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
*Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
*If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
*The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
*Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
*Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
*CATS: The other white meat
*I'm an imbecile and I vote
*Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
*If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
*Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!
*WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
*If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
*Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
*You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
*You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
*Grow your own dope, plant a man






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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Aging with a Smile
-------------------------

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few
drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.





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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bridge
-------------------------

A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign that
read, 'Low Bridge overhead' but, before he could stop, the bridge is
right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his
hands on his
hips, and says, "Got stuck - huh?"

"No," the truck driver says, "I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."





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Monday, August 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Company Policy
-------------------------

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.






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Sunday, August 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
God Bless
-------------------------

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died.The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Thought the father; "This kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day; you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"




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Friday, August 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Caller Question
-------------------------

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a
caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a
virgin?"

To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."






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Thursday, August 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Shopping
-------------------------

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."




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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Happy Butt
-------------------------

It was this little girl's first day of school
and the teacher asked her what her name was and
she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said,
"Honey I don't think that's your name you need
to go to the principal's office and get this
straightened out." So she went to the principal's
office and he asked, "What's your name?" And
the little girl said, "Happy Butt."

The principal called the girl's mother to get
this straightened out once and for all. After
getting off the phone he looked at the little
girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys,
not Happy Butt."

The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt"
what's the difference?






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Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Television Evangelical Show
-------------------------

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
evangelical show and the preacher said, if the
viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one
hand on the television set and the other hand
on the body part where they wanted to be healed.


Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television
set, placed her right hand on the set and her
left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was
causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed
his right hand on the set and his left hand on
his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you
just don't get it. The purpose of doing this
is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."






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Monday, August 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ethics
-------------------------

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business...

"Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You
wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she
goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's
where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?




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Sunday, August 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What would you do if I died?
-------------------------

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence-

HUSBAND: "sh*t."




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Saturday, August 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blue Cross Health Care
-------------------------

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results.

The lab technician says to him, "I'm very sorry, sir, but we've had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife's samples to the lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we're not sure which results are your wife's. But, frankly, it's
either bad news or terrible news!"

"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.

"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can't tell which is your wife's test."

"This is terrible!" cries Mr. Smith. "Can't we do the test over?"

Normally, yes," says the technician, "but you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

"Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."





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Friday, August 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Little Pigs
-------------------------

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw
and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next
10 minutes.





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Thursday, August 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Ring
-------------------------

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."

At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young
lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Don't mess with Old People.






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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pencil
-------------------------

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."




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Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What Does Your Sign Say?
-------------------------

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3
dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"

Jose shows Carlos his sign......

It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico




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Monday, August 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heart Attack
-------------------------

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days
To live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her
Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the
street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
ambulance?"

God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you."





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Sunday, August 11, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Never Tick off a Nurse!
-------------------------

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He
was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he
did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with
him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came
into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed
his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an
oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled
over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under
his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half
hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."





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Saturday, August 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Cowboy
-------------------------

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy
coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots,
so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around
like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with
her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off
my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my
pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my
shorts ...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to
town cowboy... '.

"And here I am."




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Friday, August 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Vet Solves a Problem
-------------------------

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did
some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state
line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced
lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows
like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move
away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from
the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset
and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount
our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves
forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt
from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy
this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know
we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from
Illinois."





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Thursday, August 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Here is your quote of the day!
-------------------------

" I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated
Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven
tour de France races while on drugs.


When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike."

~Willie Nelson~




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Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Being 6 Again
-------------------------

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up
bright and early and off they went to a local
theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride
in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!



Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
park, her head reeling and her stomach upside
down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where
her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then
it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic,
a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous
adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly
asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six
again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my
dress size."


The moral of this story: Even when the man
is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.







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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Barber Shop
-------------------------

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While
the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the
problems he has getting a close shave around
the cheeks.


"I have just the thing," says the barber taking
a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just
place this between your cheek and gum."


The client places the ball in his mouth and
the barber proceeds with the closest shave the
man has ever experienced. After a few strokes,
the client asks in garbled speech, "And what
if I swallow it?"


"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring
it back tomorrow like everyone else does."






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Monday, August 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gas Can
-------------------------

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity
Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a
block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and
quickly walked there.

At the station, she asked the attendent to give her a quart of gasoline
so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The
attendent told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it
to someone else.


She told the attendent that she was in a hurry and would look in her
car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the
only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could
easily hold a quart of gas.


She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendent filled it with
gas. The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the
bedpan into her car.


Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to
the other "If that car starts, I'm converting to catholicism forever!"






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Sunday, August 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Pharmacist
-------------------------

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the
door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone."


Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront
the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he
could say more than a few words, the druggist
told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen
to my side of it...


This morning the alarm failed to go off, so
I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
and hurried out to the car, just to realize that
I locked the house with both house and car keys
inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding
ticket.


Later, about three blocks from the store, I
had a flat tire. When I got to the store there
was a bunch of people waiting for me to open
up. I opened and started waiting on these people,
and all the time the darn phone was ringing off
the hook."


He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of
nickels against the cash register drawer to make
change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the
nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I
came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase
with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of
them hit the floor and broke.


Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with
no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It
was your wife. She wanted to know how to use
a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all
I did was tell her!"





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Saturday, August 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chinese Business Trip
-------------------------

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts
for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would
happened if this does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads,
'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it
would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange
for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign
assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the
right to the left.'




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Friday, August 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Man + Woman
-------------------------

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.




LONGEVITY STATISTICS

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.






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Thursday, August 1, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st August, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st August, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lab Rats
-------------------------

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked
to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers
for experiments in our lab?"


"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"


"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.
"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers
breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights
groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things
even a rat won't do."





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