Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Southern Farmer
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A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm
and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer
pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he
went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer
pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about
your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally
conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but
I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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European Alert Levels: According to John Cleese
-------------------------

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody
Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Wages
-------------------------

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.

The farmer said, "That would be me."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Honest
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An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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May Joe R.I.P.
-------------------------

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Spoon
-------------------------

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use
the spoon."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Quote of the Day
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Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go
all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Peanuts
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A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.
As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry,
but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's O.K.," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway.

Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Forgotten Present
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One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Pregnant Turkey
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One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yes, SHE WAS BLONDE!

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Ugly Suit
-------------------------

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted
thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get
rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit
we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit,
his seeing-eye dog bit me."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Health Advice
-------------------------

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of
field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer
and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of
elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air
up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though
if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in,
you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No
Pain.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.
If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record
time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
trying to live a longer and healthier life...

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Three Little Pigs
-------------------------

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw
and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next
10 minutes.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Hunter and Pigmy
-------------------------

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead
dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked,
"Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill
a huge beast like that?"

The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th December, 2011

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Titanic
-------------------------

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic."
Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.
For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico
which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York
City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were
disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning
which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as...

Sinko de Mayo.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th December, 2011

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The Fortune Teller
-------------------------

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible
death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question:

"Will I be found guilty?"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th December, 2011

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Wrong Answer
-------------------------

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed.

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly..........pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Forrest Gump Dies
-------------------------

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. P eter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd. . . ...."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind..... but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Howard."

"Howard?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Howard as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all, " Forrest replied. "Don't you know the Our Father? Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name. . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New Book
-------------------------

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity.
"I just can't put it down."

I am reading a book on the paranormal, I didn't buy it it just appeared....

I just *know* someone is going to post about the psychic's book...

I was going to buy "The power of Positive Thought", but what's the point..

I heard about a great book concerning how to deal with apathy but I
couldn't be bothered to go to the store and buy it.

I tried reading a book about natural fertilizers for your garden
but it was full of crap.

I was going to buy a book on curing procrastination but I put of until
tomorrow....or maybe the day after.

I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Girls Night Out
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Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,
in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".

He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said,

"We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our

clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared
it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Healthy Proverbs
-------------------------

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Healthy Proverbs
-------------------------

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Totally Bats
-------------------------

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Cough Syrup
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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Jury Duty
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As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Fabric Counter
-------------------------

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy
this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly
measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Save My Wife
-------------------------

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put
his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us!
-------------------------

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Rules of the South
-------------------------

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular.

"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

People walk slower here.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Good Advice
-------------------------

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

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