Sunday, June 30, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Night Kiss
-------------------------

All Bill asked for was a little good-night kiss, but Anne haughtily rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!"

"Well," Bill replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last date?"




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Saturday, June 29, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Edison
-------------------------

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about
electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation.
Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that
he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to
use the outhouse regardless of the weather.


To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this
kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!






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Friday, June 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Anniversaries
-------------------------

Who said men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee,

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."





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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
American Justice
-------------------------

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper County, SC
Sheriff's Office.


An elderly Sun City lady did her shopping at Wal-Mart and, upon
returning to her car, found four young men in the act of leaving with her
vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to
scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got
out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load
her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She
was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried
and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not
understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther
down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Jasper County
sheriff's office to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He
pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a
car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five
feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No
charges were filed.




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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Side by Side
-------------------------

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.




As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...






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Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cheerios
-------------------------

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we
started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks
into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he

replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother
in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. Hi s mom locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"






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Sunday, June 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Forrest Gump Dies
-------------------------

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. P eter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd. . . ...."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind..... but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Howard."

"Howard?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Howard as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all, " Forrest replied. "Don't you know the Our Father? Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name. . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."






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Saturday, June 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Horseback Ride
-------------------------

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her
car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a
ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode
off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let
out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station
attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the
horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.





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Thursday, June 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Saying I love you
-------------------------



There was a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husbands?"
All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember.
The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text: "I love you, sweetheart."
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:



1. Who is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

3. I love you too.

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What did you do now?

7. ?!!???

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed we would not to drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??







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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tommy and Math
-------------------------

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looks at it and to her surprise; little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."





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Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Final Exam
-------------------------

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



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Monday, June 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Washington Post
-------------------------

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is
an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a
real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

a.. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

b.. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

c.. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the
near future.

d.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.

e.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

f.. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.

g.. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

h.. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

i.. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

j.. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off
all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

k.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through
the day consuming only things that are good for you.

l.. Glibido: All talk and no action.

m.. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.

n.. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

o.. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that
gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot
be cast out.

p.. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half
a worm in the fruit you're eating.





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Sunday, June 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sick Duck
-------------------------

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the
duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their
upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it
difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.


"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even
with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because
the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if
you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water
it'll drown."


The man goes about his business and about a week later the
Doctor runs into his patient.


"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.


"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.


"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took
a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the
Doctor.


"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took
him out of the vise."






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Saturday, June 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Car Trouble
-------------------------

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"





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Friday, June 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Girls in Scotland
-------------------------

So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?

One of them said: "Wales Idiot!"

So I said: "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two Whales from Scotland?"


That's the last thing I remember.



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Thursday, June 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Watermelons
-------------------------

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"





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Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Can We Sue?
-------------------------

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the
cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." Responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and
clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister
lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' Can I sue Budwiser for all the
ugly women I've slept with ?"




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Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dr. Phil
-------------------------

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of
Godiva Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.



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Monday, June 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Scared
-------------------------

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."



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Sunday, June 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A True Golfer
-------------------------

A Man And A Young Beautiful Woman Are Engaging In A "Romantic Affair" In The Lovely Young Womans Bedroom. After The Event Between Them Comes To A Conclusion.

The Man Says: "It Is Almost Time For Me To Depart, But Before I Depart I Must Ask You For A Favor."

The Woman Says: "Sure Anything!"

So The Man Asks Her If He Could Mow Her Lawn, And Of Course The Woman Allows Him To Mow Her Lawn. After The Man Is Done Mowing Her Lawn

The Woman Says: "Thanks For Mowing My Lawn"

And The Man Replies With: "Believe Me Its My Pleasure"

So The Man Goes Home To His Wife Who Is Very Angry With Him For Leaving So Early In The Morning And Coming Back In The Afternoon.

His Wife Then Angrily Says: "Where Have You Been All This Time"

The Man Smiles And Says: "Honey, I Am Not Going To Lie To You, I Have Been Having An Affair With A Lovely Young Woman Just A Few Miles From Here"

The Woman Startled Looks At His Grass Stained Shoes And

She Says: "YOU SOB, YOU Were PLAYING GOLF WERE'NT YOU!!!"






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Saturday, June 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Dam
-------------------------

This is a true story and the account of the investigation makes it even
better...

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County


Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is
in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts
of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania
Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you
to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming
the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 2007.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity
on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action...

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond
to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane,
Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely
state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
32430113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they
obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then: and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring your attention to a real
environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The
bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office.


THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS





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Friday, June 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Strange and Funny Tombstones
-------------------------

Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

******************************

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

******************************

In a London, England cemetery:


Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

****************************

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

******************************

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:


Here lies Johnny Yeast. .
Pardon me
For not rising.

******************************

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

******************************

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:


Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

****************************

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange. .
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

*****************************

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

*****************************

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

*****************************

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

******************************

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

*****************************

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the
tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

******************************

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More





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Thursday, June 6, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Eating Out
-------------------------

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the
wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken
stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some
time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like
that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think
anybody could celebrate that long."




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Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Drops
-------------------------

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said,
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."


The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like
to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of
you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of
water."

"Coming up," said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."




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Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Travel Advisory
-------------------------

The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for
bears this summer.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a
bear.

People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in an area by
their droppings:

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berry residue and possibly
squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.






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Monday, June 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Snake Model
-------------------------

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.




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Sunday, June 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ten Commandments
-------------------------

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this:

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.





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Saturday, June 1, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st June, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st June, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Elevator
-------------------------

A redneck family from outside Little Rock was visiting a city in the North and they were in a mall
for the first time in their lives. The father and son decided to stroll around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy said, "Pa, What's'at?" Pa (never having seen an elevator) said, "Dunno, son. Ain't
never seen nothing like 'at in my whole dang life. Ain't got no idea'r what 'tis."

Then, all of a sudden, while the two watched in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair
rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and she rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched as small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until the number at the top lit up. And then the small lights commenced to work their way down again.

When the walls opened the next time, out stepped a gorgeous, voluptuous, turbo 24-year-old
blonde woman.

Reverently, and without taking his eyes off the babe, Pa said, quietly, "Boy . . . go . . . git . . .
yo . . . Momma."






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