Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Murphy's Travel Laws
-------------------------

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.

If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.

The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard




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Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Entrance Exam
-------------------------

When young, I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange
the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important
human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us went to flight school..



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Monday, November 28, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Becoming A Monk
-------------------------

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a
monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke
down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A
sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly
seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't
sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making
such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When
you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and
knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken
before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the
earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a
state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can
know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and
willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall
now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the
stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so
it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become
very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that
door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly
pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




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Sunday, November 27, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.









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Saturday, November 26, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Modern Proverbs
-------------------------

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.








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Friday, November 25, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
You Know It's Time to Diet When...
-------------------------

* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.





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Thursday, November 24, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grudges
-------------------------

My mother says she never holds grudges but then
will blindside you with something that happened
years ago.

Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me
on your birthday."

And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"

So she replied, "The first one. You have a really
big head, you know."






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Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Glass Eye
-------------------------

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...

... "You just happened to catch my eye




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Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Report Card
-------------------------

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."




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Monday, November 21, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Smoking in the Rain
-------------------------

two Old Ladies Were Outside Their Nursing Home, Having A Smoke, When It
Started To Rain. One Of The Ladies Pulled Out A Condom, Cut Off The
End,Put it Over Her Cigarette, And Continued Smoking.

Lady 1: What's That?

Lady 2: A Condom. This Way My Cigarette Doesn't Get Wet.

Lady 1: Where Did You Get It?

Lady 2: You Can Get Them At Any Drugstore.

The Next Day, Lady 1 Hobbles Herself Into The Local Drugstore And Announces
To The Pharmacist That She Wants A Box Of Condoms. The Guy, Obviously
Embarrassed, Looks At Her Kind Of Strangely (She Is, After All, Over 80
Years Of Age), But Very Delicately Asks What Brand She Prefers.

"Doesn't Matter, Son, As Long As It Fits A Camel."





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Saturday, November 19, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Neil Armstrong
-------------------------

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil
Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.

His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step For
Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard By
Millions.

But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark
"good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival
Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian Or
American Space Programs.

Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "good
Luck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.

On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While Answering Questions
Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question To
Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.

Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.


In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was Playing
Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard.

His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By The
Bedroom Windows.

His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.

As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. Gorsky
Shouting At Mr. Gorsky.


"Sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The
Moon!"




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Friday, November 18, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Butt Dust?
-------------------------

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... ...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'







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Thursday, November 17, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Breaking News from Canada
-------------------------

The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the
border into Canada has intensified beginning early yesterday morning.

Trump's victory is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans

who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists,
and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "He was cold,
exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range
chicken.

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers
that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their
fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly
concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border,
pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where
they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an
Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single
bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All
they had was a little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education
camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the
Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara
Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading
jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy
just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, how
many art-history majors does one country need?"




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Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
King Arthur
-------------------------

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now . . . what is the moral to this story?

The moral is . . .

If you don't let a woman have her own way . . .

Things are going to get ugly!




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Monday, November 14, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Eyes of the Beholder
-------------------------

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling
worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around
and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?






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Sunday, November 13, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
-------------------------

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."







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Friday, November 11, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Deputy
-------------------------

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven", she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, "That's not what I wanted, but I guess she's right!"

"What two days of the week begin with the letter T?" he asks.

"Today and Tomorrow", the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.

"Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?" he asks her.

The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was exultant. "The interview went great!" she says. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"




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Thursday, November 10, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
-------------------------

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!





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Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bumper Stickers
-------------------------


Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America ...now speak English






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Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lawsuit
-------------------------

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said the defendant.

"What?! You did?"

"Yes, That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."




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Monday, November 7, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lion Tamer
-------------------------

Two unemployed guys.... are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"




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Sunday, November 6, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
You Know You're in California When...
-------------------------

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on
a conversation in English.

Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring,
and is named Breeze.

You can't remember...is pot illegal?

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian

You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

You can't remember.....is pot illegal?

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't even notice.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS
George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

You can't remember...is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station
about "STORM WATCH."

You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy

Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cell phones or pagers.

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

Both you AND your dog have therapists.

You can't remember...... is pot illegal???????








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Saturday, November 5, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Surgery
-------------------------

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a
sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."






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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Feeling Young
-------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."



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Thursday, November 3, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Whole Truth
-------------------------

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes
it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as
he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the
whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't
tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to
your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he
sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him
by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,
"Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"





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Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Nun
-------------------------

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."




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Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Toilet Paper
-------------------------

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.
She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager,
"but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand,
"this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny,
strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,
"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"




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