JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Bear Trap
-------------------------
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap
clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was
examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"
The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt
the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap
was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh,"
exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my
life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
-------------------------
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Saturday, November 30, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Modern Medicine
-------------------------
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Modern Medicine
-------------------------
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter?"
-------------------------
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Thursday, November 28, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Heaven or Hell
-------------------------
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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-------------------------
Heaven or Hell
-------------------------
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Sign
-------------------------
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"
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-------------------------
The Sign
-------------------------
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Ponderisms
-------------------------
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Ponderisms
-------------------------
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-------------------------
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Monday, November 25, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Motorhome
-------------------------
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming,
"I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Motorhome
-------------------------
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"
But the blonde keeps on screaming,
"I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"
-------------------------
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Sunday, November 24, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
-------------------------
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
-------------------------
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
-------------------------
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Saturday, November 23, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Top Ten Signs Your Team Won't Be Winning The NCAA Basketball Championship
-------------------------
10. Your top player scores 20 points a game, but most of them are in the wrong basket.
9. You spend most of the game guarding the mascot.
8. Some of the players joined the team for the free headbands.
7. Instead of drinking Gatorade, team uses timeouts to moisturize.
6. Typical motivational speech: "Let's hurry this up so we can shower."
5. The scorekeeper doesn't bother to turn on your half of the scoreboard.
4. In your region: North Carolina, Duke and the '98 Chicago Bulls.
3. You lead the conference in nosebleeds.
2. Team refuses to attend game because they don't want to miss a new episode of The George Lopez Show.
1. Players ask themselves, "What would the Knicks do?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Top Ten Signs Your Team Won't Be Winning The NCAA Basketball Championship
-------------------------
10. Your top player scores 20 points a game, but most of them are in the wrong basket.
9. You spend most of the game guarding the mascot.
8. Some of the players joined the team for the free headbands.
7. Instead of drinking Gatorade, team uses timeouts to moisturize.
6. Typical motivational speech: "Let's hurry this up so we can shower."
5. The scorekeeper doesn't bother to turn on your half of the scoreboard.
4. In your region: North Carolina, Duke and the '98 Chicago Bulls.
3. You lead the conference in nosebleeds.
2. Team refuses to attend game because they don't want to miss a new episode of The George Lopez Show.
1. Players ask themselves, "What would the Knicks do?"
-------------------------
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Friday, November 22, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Mud Bath
-------------------------
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a
while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have
discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to
live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in
years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to
that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Mud Bath
-------------------------
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a
while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have
discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to
live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in
years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to
that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Organic
-------------------------
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Organic
-------------------------
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Golf Nut
-------------------------
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to
make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might
affect our relationship.
"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out
on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.
If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always
win."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your
honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've
concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The
truth is, "I'm a hooker."
"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and
overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Golf Nut
-------------------------
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to
make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might
affect our relationship.
"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out
on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.
If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always
win."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your
honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've
concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The
truth is, "I'm a hooker."
"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and
overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."
-------------------------
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Monday, November 18, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Finding You
-------------------------
I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Finding You
-------------------------
I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!
-------------------------
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Sunday, November 17, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Professional Help
-------------------------
A guy had been feeling down for so long that
he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his
guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the
psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions,
took some notes then sat thinking in silence
for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his
face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of
delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is
low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Professional Help
-------------------------
A guy had been feeling down for so long that
he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his
guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the
psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions,
took some notes then sat thinking in silence
for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his
face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of
delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is
low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
-------------------------
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Saturday, November 16, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Bathtub
-------------------------
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Bathtub
-------------------------
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
-------------------------
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Friday, November 15, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
"Old" is when...
-------------------------
...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.
...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.
...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.
..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
"Old" is when...
-------------------------
...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.
...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.
...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.
..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
-------------------------
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Thursday, November 14, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Did God Make You?
-------------------------
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Did God Make You?
-------------------------
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
-------------------------
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Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Chinese Restaurant
-------------------------
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. " I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Chinese Restaurant
-------------------------
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. " I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Vacation
-------------------------
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a
vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and
Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't
get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Vacation
-------------------------
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a
vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and
Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't
get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
-------------------------
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Monday, November 11, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Worm
-------------------------
Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Worm
-------------------------
Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
-------------------------
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Sunday, November 10, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
For the Birds
-------------------------
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
For the Birds
-------------------------
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
-------------------------
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Saturday, November 9, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Men's Rules
-------------------------
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments
become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you
sad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it
done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example,
is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what
mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine .
. . . Really.
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as
football or tanks.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.
23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."
24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.
25.No talking at the urinal.
26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.
27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess."
28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.
29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
30.Real men don't dance.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Men's Rules
-------------------------
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
3. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments
become Null and void after 7 Days.
9. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you
sad or angry, we meant the other one
11. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it
done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
12. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example,
is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what
mauve is.
15. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
16. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
17. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
18. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine .
. . . Really.
19. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as
football or tanks.
20. You have enough clothes.
21. You have too many shoes.
22.Every dish can be improved with bacon.
23.Do not trust a man who calls the bathroom "the little boys room."
24.Women who sound sexy on the phone weigh 350 pounds.
25.No talking at the urinal.
26.A man may own exactly one pair of holiday-themed boxers.
27.Never date a woman whose father calls her "princess."
28.A PBS tote bag does not make you an intellectual.
29.The weirder the cell phone ring, the more annoying the person.
30.Real men don't dance.
-------------------------
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Friday, November 8, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Actual Lines from Resumes
-------------------------
I am very detail-oreinted.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
-------------------------
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Actual Lines from Resumes
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I am very detail-oreinted.
My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
I am sicking and entry-level position.
It's best for employers that I not work with people.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.
Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
I am a rabid typist.
Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
Special Skills: Speak English.
Served as assistant sore manager.
Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
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Thursday, November 7, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Guess Who?
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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-------------------------
Guess Who?
-------------------------
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Gifts from God
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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we start wearing rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen"
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-------------------------
Gifts from God
-------------------------
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we start wearing rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Ice Fishing
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Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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-------------------------
Ice Fishing
-------------------------
Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
-------------------------
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Monday, November 4, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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New Chevrolet
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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
-------------------------
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New Chevrolet
-------------------------
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
-------------------------
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Sunday, November 3, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Ten Commandments
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The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.
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-------------------------
Ten Commandments
-------------------------
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.
-------------------------
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Saturday, November 2, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Market Research
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One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
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-------------------------
Market Research
-------------------------
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
-------------------------
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Friday, November 1, 2013
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st November, 2013
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Ponderisms
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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-------------------------
Ponderisms
-------------------------
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-------------------------
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