Sunday, July 31, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Things Not To Say During Childbirth:
-------------------------

- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.

-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.

-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there

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Saturday, July 30, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Sumbich
-------------------------

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

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Friday, July 29, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Minister and the Taxi Driver
-------------------------

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed
in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you
to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles
and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's
for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter
the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."


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Thursday, July 28, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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C-141
-------------------------

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"


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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Latex Factory
-------------------------

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces
various latex products. At the first stop, he is
shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the
mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is
the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory
where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a
"Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise. but every so often there
is a "Pop!" noise.

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I
understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's
that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple
machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every
tenth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple
business!"


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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Eyes of the Beholder
-------------------------

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling
worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around
and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?


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Monday, July 25, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Heart Attack
-------------------------

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing
God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days
To live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her
Last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the
street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that
ambulance?"

God replied, "Girl, I didn't even recognize you."

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Sunday, July 24, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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A Young Farm Couple
-------------------------

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office..

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

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Saturday, July 23, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Special Pig
-------------------------

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"

So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."

The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."

And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."

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Friday, July 22, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Career Choices
-------------------------

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:

a Bible,

a silver dollar, and

a bottle of whisky.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects! on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

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Thursday, July 21, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Urologist Appointment
-------------------------

I had an appointment to see a urologist who
shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of
a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.

I approached the desk and gave the receptionist -- a large, imposing
woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated
my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see the
doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?

I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an
equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change
operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"


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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Trailer Park Rules
-------------------------

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks.

2. No changing your oil in the street.

3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.

4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only
having no more than 6 cans each.

5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.

6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially
clothed.*

7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close
the curtains. *

8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please
provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents
may be forewarned.

9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn.
However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect
them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether
sober or not.

10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised
that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to
the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.

Note* (Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between
the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for
approval.)

Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park
more enjoyable for everyone.


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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Must Be That New Guy
-------------------------

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed
the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them
to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked
up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers asked why.

The worker yelled "his wife is here with his lunch".


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Monday, July 18, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bronze Statue
-------------------------

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."


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Sunday, July 17, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Traffic Violations
-------------------------

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy
when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a
warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one
rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I
consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your
husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her
encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake."

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Saturday, July 16, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf
-------------------------

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to
make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might
affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out
on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.
If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always
win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your
honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've
concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The
truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and
overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."


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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blind Man
-------------------------

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Top Ten Signs Your Team Won't Be Winning The NCAA Basketball Championship
-------------------------

10. Your top player scores 20 points a game, but most of them are in the wrong basket.

9. You spend most of the game guarding the mascot.

8. Some of the players joined the team for the free headbands.

7. Instead of drinking Gatorade, team uses timeouts to moisturize.

6. Typical motivational speech: "Let's hurry this up so we can shower."

5. The scorekeeper doesn't bother to turn on your half of the scoreboard.

4. In your region: North Carolina, Duke and the '98 Chicago Bulls.

3. You lead the conference in nosebleeds.

2. Team refuses to attend game because they don't want to miss a new episode of The George Lopez Show.

1. Players ask themselves, "What would the Knicks do?"


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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Priest in Town
-------------------------

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day
in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there
was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly
called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin."


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Monday, July 11, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Poison
-------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied,

"Take the poison!"

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Sunday, July 10, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Quote of the Day
-------------------------

Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go
all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."


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Saturday, July 9, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deer Camp
-------------------------

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him
the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, 'Man, what happened to you?

He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
all night. '

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all
standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof
with his snoring. I watched him all night .'

The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly
ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it!
They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob
into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night.'


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Friday, July 8, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What a Woman Really Wants
-------------------------

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now . . . what is the moral to this story?

The moral is . . .

If you don't let a woman have her own way . . .

Things are going to get ugly!


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Thursday, July 7, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who Am I?
-------------------------

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Advice from Maxine
-------------------------

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.


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Sunday, July 3, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Las Vegas Slogans
-------------------------

"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is getting old, so a contest is being
held for new slogans. Here are the leading contenders:

1) Las Vegas: Better than Detroit (Actually, this works for any city.)

2) It's The Gambling, Stupid

3) You're Broke, Hung Over and Pissed. Now Go Home

4) Where Luck Goes to Die

5) More Than Thirty Million Schmucks a Year Can't Be Wrong

6) We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got


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Saturday, July 2, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Drive-Thru Confessional
-------------------------

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock'n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the
balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.

But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.

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Friday, July 1, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st July, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st July, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gas Can
-------------------------

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity
Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a
block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and
quickly walked there.

At the station, she asked the attendent to give her a quart of gasoline
so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The
attendent told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it
to someone else.


She told the attendent that she was in a hurry and would look in her
car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the
only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could
easily hold a quart of gas.


She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendent filled it with
gas. The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the
bedpan into her car.


Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to
the other "If that car starts, I'm converting to catholicism forever!"


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