Sunday, April 30, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Pride
-------------------------

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."



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Friday, April 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
One Dollar
-------------------------

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mouse Balls
-------------------------

NOTE: I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face!
This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its
employees. It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was in
regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note the
last sentence!)

INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,
it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic
balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these
necessary items.




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Thursday, April 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Playing Horse
-------------------------

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.






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Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hang Gliding
-------------------------

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to
save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling
to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge-------
into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol
days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over
the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"




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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Small Ranch
-------------------------

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher




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Monday, April 24, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bad Puns
-------------------------

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"

Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America ? Answer: With the Discover Card.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.




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Sunday, April 23, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Barbie
-------------------------

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."




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Saturday, April 22, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Really Bad Day
-------------------------

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."




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Friday, April 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Getting a Physical
-------------------------

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything
seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How
is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond,
he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the
bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he
turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about
your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he
needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it
off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''




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Thursday, April 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Going to the Lecture
-------------------------


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out
late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Don't take life too seriously..........no one makes it out alive anyway!!!




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Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Profitable Mistake
-------------------------

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak
to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit
from the mistakes of another?"

"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would
even ask such a question.

"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider
returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last
July."








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Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Half Sister
-------------------------

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George."
"I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."




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Monday, April 17, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bill of Rights
-------------------------

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated
exchange during a trial. The judge asked both
lawyers to approach the bench.

"Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because my
distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the
witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the
Bill of Rights."

"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart."

Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now?
Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says
you can't even tell me the first few words."

Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and
began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from
his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."






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Sunday, April 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Truth
-------------------------

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own
defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what
will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."






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Saturday, April 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Peanuts
-------------------------

A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.
As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry,
but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's O.K.," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway.

Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.






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Friday, April 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cab Driver
-------------------------

The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask
him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car,
nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped
centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the
driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You
scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a
little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not
really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".






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Thursday, April 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Spoon
-------------------------

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware. He too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation.
By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time . . .
nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."

Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.
"I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.

"Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu.
That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly.
Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask.
"Excuse me, but . . . uh . . . why, or what . . . about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant.
That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and hereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute.
If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys,
but I use my spoon."






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Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Becoming Illegal
-------------------------

(Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine.

Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington, IA




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Monday, April 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Confucius Says:
-------------------------

Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
determine who is right, war determines who is
left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.





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Sunday, April 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rules for Bank Robbers
-------------------------

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the
security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.





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Saturday, April 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Plaque
-------------------------

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."


"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"







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Friday, April 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Arizona Crazy Laws
-------------------------

1. You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

2. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.

3. There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.

4. When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.

5. Hunting camels is prohibited.

6. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

7. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

8. Cars may not be driven in reverse.

9. Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

10. If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

11. No more than six girls may live in any house.

12. It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.

13. A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

14. An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

15. No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.

16. Women may not wear pants.

17. It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.




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Thursday, April 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Pennies
-------------------------

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for
breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks
his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress
muses, only half to herself: "You know, you
can tell a lot about a man by the tip he
leaves."

The man turns around, curiosity getting the
better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what
does my tip say?"

"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty
man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the
man utters "Hmm, true enough."

"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor."
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well,
that's true, too."

"And the third penny tells me that your father
was one, too."






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Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Keyboard
-------------------------


For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone,
and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into
the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our
computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and
started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She
called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed,
nothing would happen.

The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my
monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "Whaa??" the teacher blubbered.

Then I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got really upset. "I
didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep
from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000
went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"

Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my
chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both
turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.






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Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.









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Monday, April 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Corn Flakes
-------------------------

There are two brothers, aged four and six.

The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."

The four year old says "OK."

The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"

The four year old says "OK."

So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?"

The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."

WHACK!

The kid goes flying across the room.

The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."





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Sunday, April 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ole Blue
-------------------------

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way
through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his
parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole
Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls
his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe
this they've had such good results with this program that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program? "

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all
excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back
in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that
little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks
to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"





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Saturday, April 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Inner Peace
-------------------------

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,
and a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell
Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this
on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.






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