Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Miracle Diet
-------------------------

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"


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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Sayings
-------------------------

I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
Alicia Silverstone

"Once someone asked me three words that best describe me and I said 'Loud, Louder, and Loudest.'"
Anastacia

"I am beautiful, famous and gorgeous. I could have any man in the world."
Anna Kournikova

"He wanted to make me happy. My wish was his command."
Anna Nicole Smith

"Doesn't that hurt?" (on suicide bombers)
Anna Nicole Smith

"I'm not crazy, but it's a crazy life. I was raised in a crazy family and it took 31 years to get the crazy out of me."
Anne Heche

"What's so beautiful about breasts is their uniqueness. I don't understand the obsession with fakeness. It's a very odd thing, isn't it, to prefer fake and big to small and unique or just beautiful and real."
Anne Heche

"I trip and I burp and I fart, like everybody else."
Britney Spears

"I don't believe in sex before marriage. I go out with boys, and we kiss, but that's it."
Britney Spears

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
Britney Spears

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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bill of Rights
-------------------------

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated
exchange during a trial. The judge asked both
lawyers to approach the bench.

"Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because my
distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the
witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the
Bill of Rights."

"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart."

Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now?
Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says
you can't even tell me the first few words."

Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and
began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from
his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."


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Friday, May 27, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Short Cut
-------------------------

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.

The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."


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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
50 Years of Marriage
-------------------------

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"

"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"


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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Rules
-------------------------

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."


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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Friend's Home
-------------------------

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing
terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been
married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the
kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that
after all the years you've been married, you still call your
wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot
her name about ten years ago."

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-------------------------

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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
High Birth Rate
-------------------------

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and
scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the
sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other
concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of
the causes of the town's high birth rate.

The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the
million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered
coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him
for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town,
above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"

The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every
morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle
at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you
can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to
get up."


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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Words for the Wise
-------------------------

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Ostrich
-------------------------

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke,"
and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please."

The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.


"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak,
baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.


Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,
"That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change
out of his pocket and places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with
the exact change in your pocket every time?"


"Well," says the man,
"several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket
and the right amount of money would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.

"Most people would ask for a million dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right,
Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."


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-------------------------

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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Kidding Me...
-------------------------

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "


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Monday, May 16, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Impression
-------------------------

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied...

"Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"


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-------------------------

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Sunday, May 15, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
History of Math in America
-------------------------

Last week I purchased a drink at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my 2 one dollar bills. I then pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:


1. Teaching Math In The 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In The 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In The 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In The 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In The 2000s

Same question as number 5 but if you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.

7. Teaching Math In 2011

Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

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-------------------------

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Saturday, May 14, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gallery Sale
-------------------------

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her
paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news
is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate
in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of
your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

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Friday, May 13, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Perks of being 50+
-------------------------

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without $ex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

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Thursday, May 12, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Blonde in Church
-------------------------

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in
this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan .

'This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic...
rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Birthday Party
-------------------------

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the
bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will
help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear
of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a
wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the
clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would
probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the
children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the
bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from
tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the
party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50,
WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

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Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Philosophy
-------------------------

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


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-------------------------

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Sunday, May 8, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Female Hormones
-------------------------

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.


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-------------------------

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Saturday, May 7, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wrong Answer
-------------------------

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed.

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly..........pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....


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Friday, May 6, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Spoon
-------------------------

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use
the spoon."

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Thursday, May 5, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Priest in Town
-------------------------

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day
in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there
was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly
called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin."


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Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf Shot
-------------------------

Vic stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed
an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but
didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the heck is taking so
long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony', Vic explained.


'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said
'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'


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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wages
-------------------------

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.

The farmer said, "That would be me."

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Monday, May 2, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd May, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd May, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dear Abby
-------------------------

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the beginning,
and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone
knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot
the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to
like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.


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-------------------------

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