Thursday, May 31, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Addicted
-------------------------

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

1. During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

2. His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue
dispenser.

3. When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

4. Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

5. He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

6. When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

7. You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned
into his corneas.

8. As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

9. During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"





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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Daughter is a Good Girl
-------------------------

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"




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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
John the Farmer
-------------------------

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called
pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any
rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and
was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set
of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each
bell had a different tone so John could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could
sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very
fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular
morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at
all! John went to investigate. The other roosters
were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in
his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John
was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county
fair.

Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result: the judges not only awarded Butch the
"No BellPiece Prize" but they also awarded him the
"Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who
else but a politician could figure out how to win two
of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the populace and
screwing them when they weren't paying attention?




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Monday, May 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Accident
-------------------------

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair.

Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed
properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the
plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.

When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with
this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?"

"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to Stockholm,
Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes--where,
gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle!"






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Sunday, May 27, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Organic
-------------------------

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."




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Saturday, May 26, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lumberyard
-------------------------

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."


Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."


The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 1999. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"


Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."





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Friday, May 25, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Old Explorer
-------------------------

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"




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Thursday, May 24, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Cruise
-------------------------

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"



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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Tables are Turned
-------------------------

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every
boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was
going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to
take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the
jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me
tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of
a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost
nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank
as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as
a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.





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Monday, May 21, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Company Policy
-------------------------

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.







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Saturday, May 19, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Priest In Airport Customs
-------------------------

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!






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Friday, May 18, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Biker's Dog
-------------------------

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."





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Thursday, May 17, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Observation
-------------------------

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a
lot.

It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no
wife to go home to... or they do.






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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Do Elephants Ever Forget?
-------------------------

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior
College .On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with
one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the
elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood
deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as
he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its
face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe
stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with
his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front
foot off the ground, and then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering
if this was the same elephant...Joe summoned
up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made
his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant
trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing
killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.






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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sign Posted at Golf Club in Scotland
-------------------------

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart.

2. Form A Loose Grip.

3. Keep Your Head Down!

4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing.

5. Stay Out Of The Water.

6. Try Not To Hit Anyone.

7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead Of You.

8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others.

9. Quiet Please...While Others Are Preparing.

10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.

Well Done. Now, Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee Off.




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Monday, May 14, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Too Sick to Work
-------------------------

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."




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Saturday, May 12, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Lucky Day
-------------------------

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in.

She says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

He thinks, "This is my lucky day", and gives it his all on the kitchen table.

He says afterwards, "What was that all about?"

She says, "The egg timer's broken."




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Friday, May 11, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Cable TV Ad
-------------------------

"When your dish goes out, you can't study game film.

When you can't study game film, you lose to Alabama.

When you lose to Alabama, you get depressed.

When you get depressed, you buy a Harley.

When you buy a Harley, you meet hot, young ex-volleyball players.

When you meet hot, young ex-volleyball players, you go on joy rides.

When you go on joy rides, you end up in a roadside ditch.

Don't end up in a roadside ditch."





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Thursday, May 10, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My New Diet
-------------------------

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog.
I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the
Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it
works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and
I was going to try it again. (I have to mention
here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food
poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a
car hit me.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.




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Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Taxes
-------------------------

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2006 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00
in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper dated 12
November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is
paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing for (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400.) and six (6)
hammers (valued @ $1,029.) which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my
total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00
to the Presidential Election Fund, as noted on my return. You can do
this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 Phillips Head screwdriver,
(see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how
H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5 Phillips Head screwdrivers).
One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward
to paying it again next year.



Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer




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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Who's the Boss?
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A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said.

That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm
the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your
panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to
stay until your attitude changes."







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Monday, May 7, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Ring
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."

At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young
lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Don't mess with Old People.






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Sunday, May 6, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Country Politics
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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."




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Saturday, May 5, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Deep Thoughts
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Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?




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Friday, May 4, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Performance Evaluations
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For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just
remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite
won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."

12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."





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Thursday, May 3, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Pig with a Wooden Leg
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A travelling salesman of agricultural machinery was on a three week tour
through the hinterlands of southern Arkansas and was visiting
one particular farmer. He was standing, alongside of the farmer,
leaning on the corral rail - as he always did before pitching "the new
line of tractors" - and looking at all of the farm animals in the
barnyard. Seeing one particular pig, he said: "Say, that sure is a fine
hog, but, you know, I have never seen a pig with one wooden leg before."
The farmer said: "You see, that there pig is one valuable animal, I can
tell you. That there hog saved my life three times."

"The first time was about a month ago. My wife fried potatoes for
supper, just the way I like them, and left the frying pan on the stove.
About midnight or so, the pig must have smelled the smoke, but be broke
out of his pen, butted the house door open with his snout, woke us up
and we got out of the house just in time."

"And it wasn't but two weeks later and I was mowing on the back forty
and I tipped the tractor over and it pinned me under the rear wheel. Gas
was leaking out of the tank onto the hot manifold and that pig must have
heard me yelling, because he broke out again, ran up to me, saw what had
happened, ran to the neighbour, got help and the neighbour came with his
tractor and pulled me free."

"And just last week, I was leading the old dairy bull out to pasture,
and he raised up and pulled the ring out of his nose and, quick as two
shakes of a dog's tail, he knocked me down. He jumped on me and
straddled me with his horns and was about to gore me, when the old pig
heard what was going on, broke out again, ran up, got a firm hold on the
old bull's tail and I got away."

Having heard the explanation, the salesman said: "All well and good,
but that doesn't explain why that hog has got a wooden leg."

The farmer replied: "Well, in a way, it does. A pig that is that
valuable is way too valuable to eat all at one time".




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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Late Blonde
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"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"





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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st May, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st May, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Busy Bus Stop
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.


Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
and much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'



The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."




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