Friday, September 30, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bathing Suit
-------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I
passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least
ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered
buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied.

"You'd never get it all in one."




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Thursday, September 29, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Laws
-------------------------

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.




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Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dr. Phil
-------------------------

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of
Godiva Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.




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Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Goodbye Grampa
-------------------------

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"





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Monday, September 26, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Jonah and the Whale
-------------------------

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."





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Sunday, September 25, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Broken Lawn Mower
-------------------------

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept
hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the
message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the
point.

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might
as well sweep the sidewalks."






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Saturday, September 24, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Thermometer
-------------------------

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the
door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone."


Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront
the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he
could say more than a few words, the druggist
told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen
to my side of it...


This morning the alarm failed to go off, so
I was late getting up. I went without breakfast
and hurried out to the car, just to realize that
I locked the house with both house and car keys
inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding
ticket.


Later, about three blocks from the store, I
had a flat tire. When I got to the store there
was a bunch of people waiting for me to open
up. I opened and started waiting on these people,
and all the time the darn phone was ringing off
the hook."


He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of
nickels against the cash register drawer to make
change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the
nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I
came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase
with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of
them hit the floor and broke.


Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with
no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It
was your wife. She wanted to know how to use
a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all
I did was tell her!"





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Friday, September 23, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hearing Problem
-------------------------

Larry goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.

After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Larry replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Larry's head and prays and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks Larry:

"Larry, how is your hearing now?"

Larry says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."




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Thursday, September 22, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gold Coin
-------------------------

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy
and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for
me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-
covered chocolate candy coins).

There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and
me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking
the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.

The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to
pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed
that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch
him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's
this?"

The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."

To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"

With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are
NOT for children, young man."

And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He
likes the LITTLE ones!"






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Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Constipation
-------------------------

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm
constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean
over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on
the Butt with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the
bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What
should I do to prevent constipation ?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."






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Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Horse Show
-------------------------

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and
rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
"Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure that they are healthy and in
good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the
UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."





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Sunday, September 18, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Love Lives
-------------------------

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."

The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"




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Saturday, September 17, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Finding a Magazine
-------------------------

A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage
magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do.

After flicking through the magazine her husband says, 'To be honest I'm not
sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help.'






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Friday, September 16, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Earthworm
-------------------------

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The
little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather
replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp
to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back
out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma.




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Thursday, September 15, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rules for Work
-------------------------



1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even
better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is the priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
anyway.






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Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tractor
-------------------------

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him
and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really
like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him
to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is
needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll
get you a car."

The boy was not too happy but he did understand that
situation and said, "Okay, Dad."

A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him
wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ...
"as soon as that tractor is paid for..."

Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes
bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the
tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little
disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of
the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back,
mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to
deserve that!"

The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says,
"Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is
paid for.





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Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Volleyball
-------------------------


A married couple was watching volleyball game at a beach when the wife
spotted a couple in the bleachers. They were being very affectionate. The girl was running her hands all over the boyfriend and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.

Looking at them, the wife said to her husband "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."

Husband said, "Better watch them! You already know how to play volleyball."




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Sunday, September 11, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Modern Proverbs
-------------------------

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.








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Saturday, September 10, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Beethoven
-------------------------

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint,
unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran
and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened
for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept
listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered
in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Beethoven decomposing."





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Friday, September 9, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Neil Armstrong
-------------------------

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar
Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On
The Moon.

His First Words After Stepping On The Moon,
'that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind,'
Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.

But Just Before He Re-entered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic
Remark 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky.'

Many People At Nasa Thought It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In
Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.

Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky'... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.

On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While
Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought
Up The 26 Year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He
Finally Responded. Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong
Felt He Could Now Answer The Question.

In 1938, When Neil Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was
Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard. His Friend
Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By Their
Bedroom Window.

His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.

As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard
Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky. 'sex, You Want Sex Now??!!'

You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!'

True Story




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Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Floor Cleaner
-------------------------

Closer Than You Think!

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.





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Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gambling Problem
-------------------------

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"



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Monday, September 5, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deep Thoughts
-------------------------

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."




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Sunday, September 4, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Miracle Products
-------------------------

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."




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Saturday, September 3, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Senior Citizen Test
-------------------------

It's that time of year to take our annual senior
citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important
as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's
important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use
it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're
losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't
see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your
mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up
now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto
World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to
Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided
into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the
flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally
crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East
Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you
said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four
get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea
, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and
pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!




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Friday, September 2, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Cell Phone
-------------------------

The place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VIP's.

The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.

I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.

"I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone."

"Did you put the battery in the phone?"

"Not the extra one."

"Sir, the phone only came with one battery."

(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."




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Thursday, September 1, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st September, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st September, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bubba's New Truck
-------------------------

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"

Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.

We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"




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