Saturday, December 31, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Southern Farmer
-------------------------

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm
and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer
pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he
went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer
pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about
your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally
conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but
I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

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Friday, December 30, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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European Alert Levels: According to John Cleese
-------------------------

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody
Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-John Cleese
British writer, actor and tall person

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Thursday, December 29, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Wages
-------------------------

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the agent.

The farmer said, "That would be me."


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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Honest
-------------------------

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."


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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
May Joe R.I.P.
-------------------------

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."


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Monday, December 26, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Spoon
-------------------------

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use
the spoon."


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Sunday, December 25, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Quote of the Day
-------------------------

Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go
all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

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Friday, December 23, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Peanuts
-------------------------

A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.
As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry,
but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's O.K.," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway.

Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.

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Thursday, December 22, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Forgotten Present
-------------------------

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Pregnant Turkey
-------------------------

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yes, SHE WAS BLONDE!

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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ugly Suit
-------------------------

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted
thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get
rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit
we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit,
his seeing-eye dog bit me."

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Monday, December 19, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Health Advice
-------------------------

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of
field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer
and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of
elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air
up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though
if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in,
you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No
Pain.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.
If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record
time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
trying to live a longer and healthier life...

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Sunday, December 18, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Three Little Pigs
-------------------------

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw
and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next
10 minutes.


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Saturday, December 17, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Hunter and Pigmy
-------------------------

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead
dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked,
"Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill
a huge beast like that?"

The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."

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Friday, December 16, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Titanic
-------------------------

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic."
Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.
For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico
which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York
City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were
disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning
which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as...

Sinko de Mayo.

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Thursday, December 15, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Fortune Teller
-------------------------

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible
death this year."

Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question:

"Will I be found guilty?"


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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Wrong Answer
-------------------------

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed.

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly..........pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....


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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Forrest Gump Dies
-------------------------

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. P eter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd. . . ...."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind..... but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Howard."

"Howard?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Howard as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all, " Forrest replied. "Don't you know the Our Father? Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name. . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."


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Monday, December 12, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Book
-------------------------

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity.
"I just can't put it down."

I am reading a book on the paranormal, I didn't buy it it just appeared....

I just *know* someone is going to post about the psychic's book...

I was going to buy "The power of Positive Thought", but what's the point..

I heard about a great book concerning how to deal with apathy but I
couldn't be bothered to go to the store and buy it.

I tried reading a book about natural fertilizers for your garden
but it was full of crap.

I was going to buy a book on curing procrastination but I put of until
tomorrow....or maybe the day after.

I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep.

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Sunday, December 11, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Girls Night Out
-------------------------

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution,
in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".

He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said,

"We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our

clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared
it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."


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Saturday, December 10, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Healthy Proverbs
-------------------------

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.


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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Healthy Proverbs
-------------------------

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall
never cease to be amused.


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Friday, December 9, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Totally Bats
-------------------------

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cough Syrup
-------------------------

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"


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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Jury Duty
-------------------------

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Fabric Counter
-------------------------

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy
this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly
measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."

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Monday, December 5, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Save My Wife
-------------------------

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put
his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"


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Sunday, December 4, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us!
-------------------------

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.


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Saturday, December 3, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rules of the South
-------------------------

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can't stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

Remember: "Y'all" is singular.

"All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

People walk slower here.

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

"He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.

If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.


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Friday, December 2, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd December, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd December, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Advice
-------------------------

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Mercedes Owner
-------------------------

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening
drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was
left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and
blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a
Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The
needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind
him.

"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop
came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and
the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I
don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for
your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back!"


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Monday, November 28, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dr. Phil and Obsessions
-------------------------

Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick! We're leaving."


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Sunday, November 27, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Long Cold Winter
-------------------------

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Price For Being Good
-------------------------

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".


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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Job Interview
-------------------------

Reaching the end of a job interview, the
Human Resources Person asked a young
Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood
of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would
you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation,
14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of
salary, and a company car leased every 2
years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!
Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you
started it."

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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ole and the Doctor
-------------------------

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut
off all ten off his fingers.

He vent to da emergency room at da Clinic and vhen he got dere da Norsky
doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's haf da fingers and I'll see vhat I
can do."

Ole said, "I hafn't got da fingers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafn't got da fingers?" the doctor cried.
"Yumpin' yiminy! It's 2005! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds off
incredible techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new!
Vhy didn't you bring da fingers?"

To vhich Ole replied...

(Are you ready for dis???)
"How da fock was I suppose to pick'em up?"


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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
-------------------------

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

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Monday, November 21, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Company Policy
-------------------------

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.


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Sunday, November 20, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Useful Military Warnings
-------------------------

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket
Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S.
Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's
left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you
just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry
Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col.
David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an
ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your
Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -
U.S. Ammo Troop


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Saturday, November 19, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Generosity
-------------------------

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor.
"I feel really good today. I started out this
morning with an act of unselfish generosity.
I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's
a lot of money to just give away. What did your
husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to
do. He said, 'Thanks.'"


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Friday, November 18, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Lady's Phone
-------------------------

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning


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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
>9 Months Later
-------------------------

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."


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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Kenny and the Donkey
-------------------------

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, so early in the morning he drove over to Kenny's.

Farmer: "Sorry son, I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny: "Well then, just give me my money back."

Farmer: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny: "OK then, just unload the donkey."

Farmer: "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny.

Farmer: "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."


Kenneth Lay grew up and eventually became founder, chairman and CEO of Enron Corporation!


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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Unexpected Childbirth
-------------------------

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...... smack his butt again!"

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Monday, November 14, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Work vs. Prison
-------------------------

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay
for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars
from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out
and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.


When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like
being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever
I wanted to.

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Sunday, November 13, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Comparing Prices to Gasoline
-------------------------

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........ $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ...... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ..... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ......... .. $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?!
$21.19 for WATER

And the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian
spelled backwards is Naive.)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car
doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismol or
Nyquil.

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next
trip to the pump...


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Saturday, November 12, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Terrible News
-------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

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Friday, November 11, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Woodpecker
-------------------------

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which
place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree
that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his
challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The
Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck
a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian
woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.
After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the
tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian
woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker
was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck
the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion -
your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Nooner
-------------------------

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and
just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before
Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When
Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And
again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to
travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and
he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked
the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field
with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air.
That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't
lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer
came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc..
"Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer.
"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and
Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love,
and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

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