JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Prison vs. Work
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IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay
for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars
from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out
and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.
When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like
being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever
I wanted to.
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Monday, July 31, 2017
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Things Not to Say to a Cop
-------------------------
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been going about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Things Not to Say to a Cop
-------------------------
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been going about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
-------------------------
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Saturday, July 29, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us!
-------------------------
Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT
It never spoils.
CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us!
-------------------------
Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT
It never spoils.
CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
-------------------------
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Friday, July 28, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Excuses for Missing Work
-------------------------
1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Dodgers, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My step-mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my job
until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Excuses for Missing Work
-------------------------
1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Dodgers, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My step-mother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my job
until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
-------------------------
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Thursday, July 27, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Three Little Pigs
-------------------------
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw
and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next
10 minutes.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Three Little Pigs
-------------------------
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw
and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next
10 minutes.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Drinking One Night
-------------------------
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Drinking One Night
-------------------------
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Veterinarian
-------------------------
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor
of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It
happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as
the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the
distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000
a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I
give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do
for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
Vegas and one in Reno."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Veterinarian
-------------------------
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor
of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It
happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as
the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the
distinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000
a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I
give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do
for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
Vegas and one in Reno."
-------------------------
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Monday, July 24, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Adam
-------------------------
Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and
when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and p!!!ion
whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Adam
-------------------------
Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and
when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and p!!!ion
whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
-------------------------
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Sunday, July 23, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Sign
-------------------------
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Sign
-------------------------
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"
-------------------------
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Friday, July 21, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Aging with a Smile
-------------------------
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few
drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Aging with a Smile
-------------------------
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few
drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
-------------------------
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Thursday, July 20, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Marriage Phrases
-------------------------
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes2// Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Marriage Phrases
-------------------------
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes2// Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Last Request
-------------------------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Last Request
-------------------------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "
-------------------------
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Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
EMS
-------------------------
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following.
a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative
vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling
the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives
and log entries.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
EMS
-------------------------
From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following.
a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative
vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling
the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives
and log entries.
-------------------------
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Monday, July 17, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
New York Girl
-------------------------
A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by
side on an airplane.
The girl from New York, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
"So, where ya from.... bitch?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
New York Girl
-------------------------
A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by
side on an airplane.
The girl from New York, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
"So, where ya from.... bitch?"
-------------------------
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Sunday, July 16, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Funny Headlines
-------------------------
The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony
in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though
sometimes awkward). Check them out:
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Funny Headlines
-------------------------
The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony
in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though
sometimes awkward). Check them out:
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died
-------------------------
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Friday, July 14, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Math
-------------------------
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of
production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset
of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the
set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you
think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80
to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising
his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because
this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 2010:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when
demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut
back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The
contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 2017:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian
subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl,
and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted
owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for
exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts
the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of
the lobbying costs?
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Math
-------------------------
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of
production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset
of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the
set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you
think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80
to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising
his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because
this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 2010:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when
demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut
back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The
contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 2017:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian
subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl,
and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted
owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for
exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts
the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of
the lobbying costs?
-------------------------
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Thursday, July 13, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)
-------------------------
Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)
Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)
The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)
We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)
Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)
Years of development. (It finally worked.)
Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)
We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)
We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)
We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)
Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)
Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)
Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)
No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)
Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)
All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)
Robust. (More than rugged.)
Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)
Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)
-------------------------
Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)
Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)
The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)
We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)
Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)
Years of development. (It finally worked.)
Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)
We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)
We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)
We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)
Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)
Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)
Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)
No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)
Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)
All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)
Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)
Robust. (More than rugged.)
Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)
Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
-------------------------
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Wednesday, July 12, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Dilbert Quotes
-------------------------
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Dilbert Quotes
-------------------------
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
-------------------------
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Sunday, July 9, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Poison
-------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Poison
-------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'
-------------------------
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Saturday, July 8, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Circulation of Blood
-------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Circulation of Blood
-------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
-------------------------
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Thursday, July 6, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Bear Attack
-------------------------
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Bear Attack
-------------------------
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing?"
He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Counting Sheep
-------------------------
There was a typical blonde. She had long, blonde
hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the
blonde jokes.
One day she decided to get makeover. She cut
and dyed her hair brunette and went driving
down a country road, searching for someone
who would appreciate her for her intelligence.
When she came across a herd of sheep, she
stopped and called the shepherd over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Well thank you," said the herder.
"Tell you what, I have a proposition for you,"
said the woman. "If I can guess the exact
number of sheep in your flock, can I take
one home?"
"Sure," agreed the Shepherd. So the girl sat
up and looked at the herd for a second and
then replied: "382".
"Wow," said the shepherd. "That is exactly
right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you
want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put
it in her car.
Then the herder said: "Okay, now I have a
proposition for you. If I can guess the real
colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Counting Sheep
-------------------------
There was a typical blonde. She had long, blonde
hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the
blonde jokes.
One day she decided to get makeover. She cut
and dyed her hair brunette and went driving
down a country road, searching for someone
who would appreciate her for her intelligence.
When she came across a herd of sheep, she
stopped and called the shepherd over.
"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.
"Well thank you," said the herder.
"Tell you what, I have a proposition for you,"
said the woman. "If I can guess the exact
number of sheep in your flock, can I take
one home?"
"Sure," agreed the Shepherd. So the girl sat
up and looked at the herd for a second and
then replied: "382".
"Wow," said the shepherd. "That is exactly
right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you
want to take home."
So the woman went and picked one out and put
it in her car.
Then the herder said: "Okay, now I have a
proposition for you. If I can guess the real
colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
-------------------------
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Monday, July 3, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Instinct
-------------------------
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Instinct
-------------------------
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.
Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
-------------------------
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Sunday, July 2, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Employee Performance Evaluations
-------------------------
QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE
PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and
when cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts, the better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together."
13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus."
14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
17. "He's been working with glue too much."
18. "He would argue with a signpost."
19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
20. "He brings joy whenever he leaves the room."
21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
22. "If you see two people talking and one looks
bored, he's the other one."
23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on."
24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it."
26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."
27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."
28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."
29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd
get change."
30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear
the ocean."
31. "It's hard to believe that he/she beat out
1,000,000 other sperm."
32. "One neuron short of a synapse."
33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
only gargled."
34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Employee Performance Evaluations
-------------------------
QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE
PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and
when cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts, the better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together."
13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus."
14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
17. "He's been working with glue too much."
18. "He would argue with a signpost."
19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
20. "He brings joy whenever he leaves the room."
21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
22. "If you see two people talking and one looks
bored, he's the other one."
23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on."
24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it."
26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."
27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."
28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."
29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd
get change."
30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear
the ocean."
31. "It's hard to believe that he/she beat out
1,000,000 other sperm."
32. "One neuron short of a synapse."
33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
only gargled."
34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
-------------------------
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Saturday, July 1, 2017
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st July, 2017
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Charity
-------------------------
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to buzz off!!!!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Charity
-------------------------
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to buzz off!!!!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
-------------------------
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