Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marine Biology
-------------------------

Marine biology researchers have developed
a new method to fend off shark attacks. If
you are diving and are approached by a
shark they recommend that you swim towards
it aggressively and punch it on the nose
as hard as possible."

"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with
your stump."


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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
FAA Test
-------------------------

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of
windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the
windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken
at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it.
If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive
a real collision with a bird during flight.

The British had recently built a new locomotive that
could pull a train faster than any before it. They were
not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they
borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to
approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive,
loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird
went through the windshield, broke the engineer's
chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the
engine cab.

They were quite surprised with this result, so they
asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything
was done correctly. The FAA checked everything
and suggested that they might want to repeat the
test using a thawed chicken.

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Monday, March 28, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Poison
-------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"


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Sunday, March 27, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Goat
-------------------------

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday
dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the
minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you
sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as
well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"


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Saturday, March 26, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Assertiveness
-------------------------

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so
he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build
his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he
read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached
his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I
am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're
going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my
bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.


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Friday, March 25, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Dials 911
-------------------------

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.

The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."

Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.

"Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cat and Dog Fire Truck
-------------------------

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Operating Room
-------------------------

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

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Monday, March 21, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Bulls
-------------------------

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"


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Sunday, March 20, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Elderly Gentlemen
-------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex
for several years, decided they needed to visit a
cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the
madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't
going to waste any of her girls on these two
old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the
dolls in each man's room and left them to their
business. After the two men were finished, they
started walking home and began to talking. The
first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead.
She never moved, talked or even groaned... how
was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch.
When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and
flew out the window!"

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Saturday, March 19, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Whole Truth
-------------------------

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"


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Friday, March 18, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Nice Guy
-------------------------

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

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Thursday, March 17, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Stuttering Cat
-------------------------

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler
ate him!'

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Mime And The Lion
-------------------------


One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"


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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Tourist
-------------------------

A tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of
the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.

"These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the
cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring
today."

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was
delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item.
When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever
you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night."

"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not
always lose.

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Monday, March 14, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Kite's Tail
-------------------------

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly
a kite with his son. However, every time the
kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing
back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks
her head out of the front door and yells, "You
need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son,
I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday,
I told her I needed more tail, and she told me
to go fly a kite!"


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Sunday, March 13, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Million Dollar Question
-------------------------

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."


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Friday, March 11, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Medical Research
-------------------------

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Just thought you'd like to know.


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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Watermelons
-------------------------

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"


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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Living at Home
-------------------------

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them.
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable
to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small
test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping
he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be
a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but
if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be
a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited
nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son
arrive home.

He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the
light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the
Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he
grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff
to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room
carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even
worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.


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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Late Blonde
-------------------------

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

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Sunday, March 6, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Alaskan Birthday Party
-------------------------

Alaskan Birthday Party Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".


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Saturday, March 5, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Team Spirit
-------------------------

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young
players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together
as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at
first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you
understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your
mother."


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Friday, March 4, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Terrible News
-------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

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Thursday, March 3, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who Am I?
-------------------------


One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd March, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd March, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Hole Problem
-------------------------

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After
the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had
been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He
couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a
mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only
one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"


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-------------------------

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