Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Weight Loss Program
-------------------------

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing
but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought , he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me" Well, he's out the door after her like a shot".
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her ; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze , so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons
standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around
his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."





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Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
-------------------------

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get
another dog??


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think
it's interesting..


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least:


14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.




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Monday, December 29, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Change of Mind
-------------------------

A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed your heart?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."





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Sunday, December 28, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Outhouse
-------------------------

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had
to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was
hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into
the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,
the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night
his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble
because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."




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Saturday, December 27, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bird Tags
-------------------------

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal
bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has
been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey,
abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received the
following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a
crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to
tell you it tasted horrible.

The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."




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Thursday, December 25, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Three Tourists
-------------------------

Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."





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Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Feeling Your Age
-------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."



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Monday, December 22, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Tooth Pick
-------------------------

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at
the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally,
another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became
exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.

"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.

"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, he
couldn't get away."






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Sunday, December 21, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever
-------------------------

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."



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Saturday, December 20, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Twenty Dollars
-------------------------

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.




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Friday, December 19, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...
-------------------------

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.

8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.

6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.

5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."

4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.

3. Your other girlfriend told you so.

2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"




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Thursday, December 18, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
-------------------------

*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down






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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Stay
-------------------------

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there. I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"







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Sunday, December 14, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Axioms
-------------------------

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!

How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!




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Saturday, December 13, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pull on it
-------------------------

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one
at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked
and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.
Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's
house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."





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Friday, December 12, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us!
-------------------------

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.




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Thursday, December 11, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Beer
-------------------------

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King of Beers,' a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."




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Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Time for Marriage
-------------------------

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided
it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner
and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old
gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical
relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like
it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses,
he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"





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Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Southern Farmer
-------------------------

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm
and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer
pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he
went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer
pa."

Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about
your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally
conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but
I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."





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Monday, December 8, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ads Not Answered
-------------------------

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered

SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.
$800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.

SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.
Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.
Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories
and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age
music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting.
Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.
ISO compatible F.

SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with or
w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.

SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet woman
of similar interests Must be ambidextrous.

DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking your
friends in closets, We already have three things in common !
Let's get together.

DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real inner
beauty. Send latest X-rays.

DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar
Riviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.

SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown
on"The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot




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Sunday, December 7, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Car
-------------------------

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to
California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and
fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the
high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test,"
replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking
the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is
a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering,
power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD
player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and
pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument
package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into
his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change
are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"





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Saturday, December 6, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Stiff Neck
-------------------------

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down.
"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out and everybody can see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on,
Just watching the cars go by.... and I got a stiff neck.
This is your Grandma's idea."





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Friday, December 5, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Rules
-------------------------

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."





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Thursday, December 4, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Things That It Took Me Over 30 Years To Learn
-------------------------

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

"Heart is the engine of the Body. But Brain is the engine of Life. Between Mind & Heart..." Enigma








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Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
In the Bathroom
-------------------------

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that
the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he
asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's
in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"






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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gentle Thoughts for Today
-------------------------

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."




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Monday, December 1, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st December, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st December, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Ant Hill
-------------------------


Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."



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