Friday, May 31, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
-------------------------

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?





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Thursday, May 30, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Minister takes a Airplane Flight
-------------------------

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."



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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Leather
-------------------------

When a woman wears leather clothing
A man's heart beats quicker
His throat gets dry
He goes week in the knees
And he begins to think irrationally

Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new truck!!!




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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grandma's Revenge
-------------------------

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and
headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."






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Monday, May 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Miracle Diet
-------------------------

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"




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Sunday, May 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
IT vs. Sales
-------------------------

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon hovering about 30 feet above a field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but is of no use to me."

The man below says, "you must work in sales."

"I do", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well, you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were in before we met, but now, it's my fault."






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Saturday, May 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf Clubs
-------------------------
p align="left">
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence-

HUSBAND: "sh*t."




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Friday, May 24, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Things That Took Me Fifty Years To Learn!!
-------------------------


1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

4.) People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.

7.) No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

9.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

11.) Never lick a steak knife.

12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13.) "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.





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Thursday, May 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Mother
-------------------------

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?




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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Murder Victim
-------------------------

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.




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Monday, May 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Label Instructions
-------------------------

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)






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Sunday, May 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Annual Physical
-------------------------

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in
the examination room for his annual physical.

After awhile, the doctor came out and said: "Mrs. Garcia, nurse is
helping your husband with his clothes and would be out in a minute. As
far as I can tell, he is in excellent health for his age. However, I am
curious about something."

The woman said: "Yes Doctor, what is it?"

The doctor said: "During the examination, Mr. Garcia said he was
pleased that the bathroom lights came on automatically when he went to
urinate in the middle of the night. Can you tell me what that's all
about?"

The woman took a deep breath and said: "Oh no! he's peeing into the
fridge again!"






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Saturday, May 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Loft
-------------------------

Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips.

After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft".

So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft"

Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft " ?

To which the pro relies "loft" - "Lack Of F*cking Talent "





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Friday, May 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer
-------------------------


You met him in prison.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and
proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said . . ."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the
little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in
the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."





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Thursday, May 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Quotes
-------------------------

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep .

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.






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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Power Outage
-------------------------

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old
girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The
paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......... smack his butt again!"




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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Hole Problem
-------------------------

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After
the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had
been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He
couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a
mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only
one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"





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Monday, May 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Housework
-------------------------

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived
home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in
the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the
table set. She was astonished!It turns out that Ralph had read an
article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own
housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office
friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up
the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the
laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..'




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Sunday, May 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Cowboy Boots
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A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on
a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody
ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."





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Friday, May 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Alaskan Birthday Party
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Sam has been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About 5...

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More'n'likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us".




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Thursday, May 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Barbershop
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A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to
his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch
while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters
in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do
you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never
learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy
coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you
a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the
dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take
the dollar, the game's over!"





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Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Mid-Life
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Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you
are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you
naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still
half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be
long before your teeth are floating in it.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have
wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we
are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a
mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and
that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in
a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman
Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your
chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering
the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how
much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no
longer a healthy choice?






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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Young Preacher
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A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold
a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone
with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the
workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in
place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:
"Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"







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Monday, May 6, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Various Quotes
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"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" -- George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign.

"This is a great day for France!" -- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" -- George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students.

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks." -- George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." -- Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989.

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is." -- Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund.

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." -- William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address.

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." -- George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." -- George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." -- Ronald Reagan

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." -- Ronald Reagan




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Sunday, May 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Old Man
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An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."



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Saturday, May 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Caller Question
-------------------------

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a
caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a
virgin?"

To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."





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Friday, May 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Gender
-------------------------

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.
For example...

1) Ziploc Bags-
They are Male, because they hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers-
They are Female, because once turned off,
it takes a while to warm them up again.
It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire-
Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon-
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere,
you have to light a fire under it,
and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges-
Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page-
Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway-
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass-
Female, because over time,
the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer-
Male, because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control-
Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider this-it gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.





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Thursday, May 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Survey
-------------------------

A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought
of their ass.

85% of women said that they thought that their ass was too big.

10% of women said that they thought that their ass was too small.

5% of women said that they would marry him again.




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Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st May, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st May, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Toking Monkey
-------------------------

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks
past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a
few tokes together.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going
to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle to
the river and leans over the river to get his drink.

Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls
into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to
the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree
and smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fell
into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walks
off into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey is
still sitting and toking on the joint.

He looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "wwoooowww dude.............how much water did you drink?!!"




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