Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Last Request
-------------------------

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with
your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
"Now, you have everything."





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Monday, April 29, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Bridge
-------------------------

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to
know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong",
and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"





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Sunday, April 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Did God Make You?
-------------------------

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"



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Saturday, April 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Choking
-------------------------

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
.




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Friday, April 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Face Lift
-------------------------

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35" was the reply.

"I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really happy.


After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29" This makes him feel really good.

Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.


She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."


Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers.


Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47 years old."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the Chip shop"





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Thursday, April 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cowboy Logic
-------------------------

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were
presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the
coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using
the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator,
the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the
males castrated and let loose again and the population would be
controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep
Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat
back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those
coyotes ain't f*ckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."







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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Valentine Card
-------------------------

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?'' asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."






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Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Shredder
-------------------------

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"




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Monday, April 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Truth
-------------------------

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own
defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what
will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."








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Sunday, April 21, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Salesmanship
-------------------------

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good,"
said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said
the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like sh*t!" Then I would say, "It is
sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"





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Saturday, April 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Murphy's Laws of Computing
-------------------------

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.





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Friday, April 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Swearing at Work
-------------------------

To all Employees:
It has been brought to Management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul
language during the course of normal conversation with
their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may
be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be
tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance
of being able to accurately express your feelings you are when
communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 new
and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so
that proper exchange of ideas and Information can continue
to flow in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Have a Wonderful DAY ! ! !





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Swearing at Work
-------------------------

To all Employees:
It has been brought to Management's attention that some
individuals throughout the company have been using foul
language during the course of normal conversation with
their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may
be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be
tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance
of being able to accurately express your feelings you are when
communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 new
and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so
that proper exchange of ideas and Information can continue
to flow in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Have a Wonderful DAY ! ! !





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Thursday, April 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
4 Letter Words
-------------------------

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon, darlin?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darlin, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your Mama these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.






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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Red Face
-------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."




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Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
In Heaven as on Earth
-------------------------

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven.

God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1,000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."




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Monday, April 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
McDonalds
-------------------------

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a
beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve
beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the
jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,
and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."




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Sunday, April 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Playing Doctor
-------------------------

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"

"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"



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Saturday, April 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Viagra
-------------------------

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch
then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
"Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get
out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm
getting a tetanus shot."





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Friday, April 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Home Remedies
-------------------------

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.




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Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Spelling
-------------------------

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in
copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,
it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds
of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was..

CELEBRATE"




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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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What Deep Thinkers Men Are.....
-------------------------





I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:


Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.



Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.


Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.


A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."


I rest my case.



Time for another beer.







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Monday, April 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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In The Dark
-------------------------

Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: All right, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it down far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to sleep. The next time, it's your turn to get up and turn
the thermostat down.

Wife: Yes, honey.





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Sunday, April 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Golf Balls
-------------------------

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of
golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".


Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"





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Saturday, April 6, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Florida or the Moon
-------------------------

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????"





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Friday, April 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Deer Tick Warning
-------------------------

I hate it when people forward bogus
warnings...but this one is real, and it's
important. So please send this warning
to everyone on your e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door
saying they are conducting a survey
on deer ticks and asks you to take your
clothes off and dance around with your
arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM;
they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.

I feel so stupid now.






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Thursday, April 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Quit Smoking
-------------------------


A young couple had been married for a couple of
months, but the man was always after his wife to
quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making,
and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I
really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he
never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she
said, "So, what's your excuse?"







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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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100 Year Old
-------------------------


The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."











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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Yogi Berra Quotes
-------------------------

"This is like deja vu all over again."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

"I made a wrong mistake."

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"I didn't really say everything I said."



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Monday, April 1, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st April, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st April, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Tax Form Humor
-------------------------

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions.

The forms - with such lines as, "If we can tax it, we will," - were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax.

The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called "misguided" by city Finance Director John Lyons.

Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500.

Among the lines that city officials didn't think were very funny was this one:

"Free advice: if you don't have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work."

Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.







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