Monday, February 28, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
-------------------------

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Witness
-------------------------

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For
$100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and
cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights,
yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another
man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you
I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid
for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid
for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."

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-------------------------

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Friday, February 25, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Holy Trick
-------------------------

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Savings
-------------------------

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom
was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the
feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a
healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase
slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The
clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like
you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He
told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"


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-------------------------

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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Newlyweds
-------------------------

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...
"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband.
"My testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue.
The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I
prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape"


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-------------------------

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Monday, February 21, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pickle Slicer
-------------------------

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."


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-------------------------

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Sunday, February 20, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Anniversaries
-------------------------

Who said men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee,

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

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-------------------------

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Saturday, February 19, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Four Horse
-------------------------

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Four Horse".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,


NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

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-------------------------

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Friday, February 18, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Four Horse
-------------------------

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Four Horse".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,


NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

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-------------------------

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Thursday, February 17, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
$200
-------------------------

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher
singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began,"
and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan,
what would you have?"


"An orgy," Johnny answered.

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-------------------------

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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Holy Trick
-------------------------

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

-------------------------
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to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
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-------------------------

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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Worm Trick
-------------------------

Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 bucks if he could put it back in.

Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.

The Grandpa got out the 10 dollars and gave it to Tommy.

Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."

Grandpa said "No, you keep it."

The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 bucks.

Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."

Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma."


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-------------------------

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Sunday, February 6, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Actual Ads from the New York Times
-------------------------

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL, 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT ... BEEN OUT AWHILE .. BETTER
BE A REWARD.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED ... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.

HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE &DONUTS.

FOR SALE: ONE MAN SIX WOMAN HOT TUB

(AND THE BEST ONE) . .

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - no longer
needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.


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-------------------------

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Friday, February 4, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Job Interview
-------------------------

Reaching the end of a job interview, the
Human Resources Person asked a young
Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood
of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would
you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation,
14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of
salary, and a company car leased every 2
years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!
Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you
started it."

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-------------------------

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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Real Woman
-------------------------

A Real Woman....

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...

Sorry. I'm thinking of whiskey.

It's whiskey that does all that sh*t. Never mind.





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-------------------------

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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bought A Porsche
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A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought
it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they
just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she
will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced
himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen
dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii
with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his
new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st February, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st February, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bravest Troops
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Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing
about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the
dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

The Army General called a private over and ordered him to
climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The
Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and
salute. The private quickly complied.

Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish
the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute
smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and
landed on the concrete below.

Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and
navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with
bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the
Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"

The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"


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Advertisements
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Amazon.com
Online shopping from the earth's biggest selection of books, magazines,
music, DVDs, videos, electronics, computers, software, apparel & accessories,
shoes, jewelry, housewares, furniture, sporting goods, beauty & personal care,
just about anything else.
Shop at Amazon!
http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=jokeswareh-20

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20110201

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