JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Murder at The Safeway
-------------------------
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Man Code
-------------------------
1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.
12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"
14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
15. If a mans zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything!
16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)
17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.
24. Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.
26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.
27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don't let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That's just mean.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Man Code
-------------------------
1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.
10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.
12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"
14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
15. If a mans zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything!
16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)
17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.
24. Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.
26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.
27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don't let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That's just mean.
-------------------------
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Sunday, October 28, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking Cookies
* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
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-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
* Eye Drops off Shelf
* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
* Stolen Painting Found by Tree
* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
* Deer Kill 17,000
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
* Air Head Fired
* Steals Clock, Faces Time
* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff
* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
* Include your Children when Baking Cookies
* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip
* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
-------------------------
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Saturday, October 27, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Getting Ready For Bed
-------------------------
John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to John and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice,,,,
"Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Getting Ready For Bed
-------------------------
John and his wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to John and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice,,,,
"Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
-------------------------
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Friday, October 26, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Calmness In Our Lives
-------------------------
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,
and a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell
Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this
on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Calmness In Our Lives
-------------------------
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could
all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple
advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished
off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of
my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,
and a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell
Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Please pass this
on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
-------------------------
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Thursday, October 25, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
White hair
-------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
White hair
-------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
-------------------------
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Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Backyard Archaeology
-------------------------
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport,
Rhode Island named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and
sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with
scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This
guy really exists!
Anyway... here's an actual response from the Smithsonian Institute. Bear
this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond
to a difficult situation in writing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D,
layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to
inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive
proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years
ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be
"Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to
the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us
who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the
specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with
the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you
have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems
to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let
us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to
have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our
lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's
notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of
our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior To 1956 AD, and
carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science
Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species
name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be
Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen
to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is,
nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem
to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has
reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institute, and the entire staff
speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site
you have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your
trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and
several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur
you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities
-------------------------
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________________________________________________
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-------------------------
Backyard Archaeology
-------------------------
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport,
Rhode Island named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and
sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with
scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This
guy really exists!
Anyway... here's an actual response from the Smithsonian Institute. Bear
this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond
to a difficult situation in writing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D,
layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to
inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive
proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years
ago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be
"Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to
the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us
who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the
specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with
the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you
have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems
to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let
us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to
have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our
lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating's
notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of
our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior To 1956 AD, and
carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science
Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species
name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be
Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen
to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is,
nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem
to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has
reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institute, and the entire staff
speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site
you have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate your
trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and
several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur
you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities
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Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Computer Women
-------------------------
A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers
everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!!
B... WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that
she can't do anything right, but you
can't live without her.
C... EXCEL Woman: They say she can do
a lot of things but you mostly use her
for only four of your basic needs.
D... SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for
nothing functional, but at least she
is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!
E... INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access
and hard to keep running.!!!
F... SERVER Woman: Claims to be available
to you, but Always busy when you need her.
G... MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of
making horrible things look very beautiful.
H... CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on
the move, going faster and faster.!!!
I... E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things
she says, eight are plain nonsense.
J... VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE";
when you are least expecting her, she shows
up, installs herself, and starts gobbling
up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose
almost every thing. If you don't try to
uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Computer Women
-------------------------
A .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers
everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!!
B... WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that
she can't do anything right, but you
can't live without her.
C... EXCEL Woman: They say she can do
a lot of things but you mostly use her
for only four of your basic needs.
D... SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for
nothing functional, but at least she
is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!
E... INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access
and hard to keep running.!!!
F... SERVER Woman: Claims to be available
to you, but Always busy when you need her.
G... MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of
making horrible things look very beautiful.
H... CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on
the move, going faster and faster.!!!
I... E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things
she says, eight are plain nonsense.
J... VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE";
when you are least expecting her, she shows
up, installs herself, and starts gobbling
up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose
almost every thing. If you don't try to
uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
-------------------------
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Monday, October 22, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Five Rules For Men
-------------------------
Five Rules For Men To Follow To a Happy Life:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.*
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Five Rules For Men
-------------------------
Five Rules For Men To Follow To a Happy Life:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.*
-------------------------
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Sunday, October 21, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Hate Your Job?
-------------------------
Try this...
On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am soooo glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Hate Your Job?
-------------------------
Try this...
On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am soooo glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
-------------------------
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Saturday, October 20, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Three Bulls
-------------------------
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."
The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Three Bulls
-------------------------
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."
The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
-------------------------
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Friday, October 19, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Profitable Mistake
-------------------------
On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak
to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit
from the mistakes of another?"
"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would
even ask such a question.
"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider
returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last
July."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Profitable Mistake
-------------------------
On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak
to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit
from the mistakes of another?"
"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would
even ask such a question.
"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider
returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last
July."
-------------------------
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Thursday, October 18, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Old Lady's Phone
-------------------------
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Old Lady's Phone
-------------------------
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning
-------------------------
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Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Car or Haircut
-------------------------
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Car or Haircut
-------------------------
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about
six weeks they went in to the study, where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your
grades up, and I've observed that you have been
studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in
the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said,
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had
long hair and there's even a strong argument that
Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Turkey and the Bull
-------------------------
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Turkey and the Bull
-------------------------
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
-------------------------
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Monday, October 15, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Cows: With a New Twist
-------------------------
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your
cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people
you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's
not your fault he didn't stay in school. Never-the-less, ultimately you
take pity on your neighbor and see that his children have milk, while
you encourage him to accept responsibility for his situation and to work
hard to acquire his own cows.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to
your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides
you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull,
and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you
to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country
who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes
them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then
pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to
produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops
dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded
trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are
all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a
hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they
are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for
lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count
them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count
them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn
you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of
vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really
have.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed
and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone
votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like
the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote
at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose
which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from
Arkansas.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Cows: With a New Twist
-------------------------
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your
cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people
you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's
not your fault he didn't stay in school. Never-the-less, ultimately you
take pity on your neighbor and see that his children have milk, while
you encourage him to accept responsibility for his situation and to work
hard to acquire his own cows.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to
your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides
you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull,
and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you
to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country
who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes
them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then
pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to
yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to
produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops
dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded
trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are
all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a
hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they
are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for
lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count
them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count
them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn
you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of
vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really
have.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed
and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone
votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like
the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote
at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose
which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from
Arkansas.
-------------------------
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Saturday, October 13, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Advice
-------------------------
A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Advice
-------------------------
A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
-------------------------
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Friday, October 12, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Aging with a Smile
-------------------------
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few
drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Aging with a Smile
-------------------------
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few
drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
-------------------------
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Thursday, October 11, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Pull on it
-------------------------
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one
at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked
and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.
Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's
house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Pull on it
-------------------------
This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one
at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked
and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.
Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's
house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Strangers
-------------------------
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the
Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who
looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Strangers
-------------------------
I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the
Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who
looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"
"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Southern Farmer
-------------------------
A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm
and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer
pa home?" he asked.
"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he
went with pa and ma."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer
pa."
Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about
your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally
conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but
I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Southern Farmer
-------------------------
A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm
and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer
pa home?" he asked.
"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."
"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"
"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he
went with pa and ma."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one
foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer
pa."
Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about
your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally
conceded. "I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but
I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."
-------------------------
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Monday, October 8, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
A Day at the Races
-------------------------
One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when
he noticed a priest who had stepped out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold,
this horse (a very long shot) won the race.
George was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th
race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of
the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet
on the horse. Again, though another long shot, the horse won.
George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed,
blessed a horse. George bet on it and won!
George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing
one of the horses and it always came in first. George began to pull in
some serious money and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were
going to come true. He made a quick stop at the bank and withdrew every
penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him
which horse to place the bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the
last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the
horses. George placed his bet -- every cent he owned -- and watched the
horse come in last. George was dumbfounded!
He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded,
"What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The
last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings
thanks to you!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants."
"You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last
Rites."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
A Day at the Races
-------------------------
One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when
he noticed a priest who had stepped out onto the track and blessed the
forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold,
this horse (a very long shot) won the race.
George was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th
race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of
the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet
on the horse. Again, though another long shot, the horse won.
George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed,
blessed a horse. George bet on it and won!
George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing
one of the horses and it always came in first. George began to pull in
some serious money and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were
going to come true. He made a quick stop at the bank and withdrew every
penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him
which horse to place the bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the
last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the
horses. George placed his bet -- every cent he owned -- and watched the
horse come in last. George was dumbfounded!
He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded,
"What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The
last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings
thanks to you!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants."
"You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last
Rites."
-------------------------
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Sunday, October 7, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Choking
-------------------------
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Choking
-------------------------
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
-------------------------
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Saturday, October 6, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Gift
-------------------------
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Gift
-------------------------
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
-------------------------
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Friday, October 5, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Gastroenterologist Comments
-------------------------
A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients
made while he was performing colonoscopies:
"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
in fact, up there?"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you musta quit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Gastroenterologist Comments
-------------------------
A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients
made while he was performing colonoscopies:
"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
in fact, up there?"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do the
Hokey Pokey...."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you musta quit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
-------------------------
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Thursday, October 4, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Senior Citizen
-------------------------
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Senior Citizen
-------------------------
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked
"What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."
-------------------------
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Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Words of Wisdom
-------------------------
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print.
There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella,
then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years,
we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Words of Wisdom
-------------------------
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print.
There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella,
then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years,
we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.
-------------------------
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Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
A New Wine For Seniors
-------------------------
California Vinters in the Napa Valley area.
which primarily produces Pinot Blanc,
Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines have
developed a new hybrid grape that acts
as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce
the number of trips older people have to
make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pino More
-------------------------
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-------------------------
A New Wine For Seniors
-------------------------
California Vinters in the Napa Valley area.
which primarily produces Pinot Blanc,
Pinot Noir and Pinot Griglo wines have
developed a new hybrid grape that acts
as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce
the number of trips older people have to
make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as Pino More
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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Monday, October 1, 2012
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st October, 2012
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st October, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Georgia State Trooper
-------------------------
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south
of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to
Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if thedriver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he
could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance
briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and
got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol
car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause
there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Georgia State Trooper
-------------------------
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south
of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver
answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to
Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if thedriver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he
could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance
briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and
got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol
car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause
there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
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