Sunday, July 23, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sign
-------------------------

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"





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Friday, July 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Aging with a Smile
-------------------------

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few
drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.






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Thursday, July 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Phrases
-------------------------

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes2// Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.




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Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Last Request
-------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "




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Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
EMS
-------------------------

From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following.

a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative
vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling
the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives
and log entries.







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Monday, July 17, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New York Girl
-------------------------

A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by
side on an airplane.

The girl from New York, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where ya from.... bitch?"




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Sunday, July 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Funny Headlines
-------------------------

The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony
in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though
sometimes awkward). Check them out:

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died




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Friday, July 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Math
-------------------------

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The
cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots
representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of
production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset
of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the
set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you
think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80
to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising
his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because
this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2010:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when
demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut
back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The
contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2017:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian
subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid
half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl,
and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted
owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for
exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts
the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of
the lobbying costs?






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Thursday, July 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Engineering Phrases (And what they really mean)
-------------------------

Customer satisfaction is believed to be assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer will settle for anything.)

Please see me / Let's discuss it. (I need your help. I've screwed up again.)

The project is in process. (It's so tied up in red tape that it's completely hopeless.)

We're trying a number of different approaches. (We're still guessing, at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We met together and had coffee.)

Years of development. (It finally worked.)

Energy saving. (Turn off the power to save electricity.)

We'll have to abandon the entire concept. (The only person who understood the thing just quit.)

We had a major technological breakthrough. (It's boring, but it looks high tech.)

We're preparing a report with a fresh approach. (We just hired a couple of kids out of college.)

Preliminary operational tests proved inconclusive. (It blew up when we flipped the switch.)

Test results proved extremely gratifying. (Yahoo! It actually worked.)

Tell us what you are thinking. (We'll listen, but if it disagrees with what we've already done or are planning to do, forget it.)

No maintenance. (If it breaks, we can't fix it.)

Low maintenance. (If it breaks, we're not likely able to fix it.)

All new. (None of the parts are interchangeable with the previous design.)

Rugged. (Needs major equipment to lift it.)

Robust. (More than rugged.)

Light weight. (A little less than rugged.)

Fax it to me. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)




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Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dilbert Quotes
-------------------------

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)




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Sunday, July 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Poison
-------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'





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Saturday, July 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Circulation of Blood
-------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."




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Thursday, July 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bear Attack
-------------------------


Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.

They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing?"

He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."




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Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Counting Sheep
-------------------------

There was a typical blonde. She had long, blonde
hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the
blonde jokes.

One day she decided to get makeover. She cut
and dyed her hair brunette and went driving
down a country road, searching for someone
who would appreciate her for her intelligence.
When she came across a herd of sheep, she
stopped and called the shepherd over.

"That's a nice flock of sheep," she said.

"Well thank you," said the herder.

"Tell you what, I have a proposition for you,"
said the woman. "If I can guess the exact
number of sheep in your flock, can I take
one home?"

"Sure," agreed the Shepherd. So the girl sat
up and looked at the herd for a second and
then replied: "382".

"Wow," said the shepherd. "That is exactly
right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you
want to take home."

So the woman went and picked one out and put
it in her car.

Then the herder said: "Okay, now I have a
proposition for you. If I can guess the real
colour of your hair, can I have my dog back?"







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Monday, July 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Instinct
-------------------------

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.




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Sunday, July 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Employee Performance Evaluations
-------------------------


QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE
PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and
when cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot."

11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts, the better."

12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together."

13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus."

14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

17. "He's been working with glue too much."

18. "He would argue with a signpost."

19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

20. "He brings joy whenever he leaves the room."

21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

22. "If you see two people talking and one looks
bored, he's the other one."

23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on."

24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it."

26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."

27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."

29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd
get change."

30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear
the ocean."

31. "It's hard to believe that he/she beat out
1,000,000 other sperm."

32. "One neuron short of a synapse."

33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
only gargled."

34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."


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Saturday, July 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Charity
-------------------------

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to buzz off!!!!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!




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Friday, June 30, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Adam and Eve
-------------------------

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'

Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
a wife.'







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Thursday, June 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
White Hair
-------------------------

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"




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Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pregnant
-------------------------

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"




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Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------

The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony
in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though
sometimes awkward). Check them out:

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died




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Monday, June 26, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dollar vs. Quarters
-------------------------

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to
his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch
while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters
in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do
you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never
learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy
coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you
a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the
dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take
the dollar, the game's over!"






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Sunday, June 25, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
More Laws
-------------------------

The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.





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Friday, June 23, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Company Policy
-------------------------

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a
raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.





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Thursday, June 22, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Water Pistol
-------------------------

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and
headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."






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Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Modern Proverbs
-------------------------

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.








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Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Body Hurts
-------------------------
font face=arial size=2>
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."




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Monday, June 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Phrases
-------------------------

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.




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Friday, June 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf Ball
-------------------------

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."




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Thursday, June 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cadillac
-------------------------

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to
California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and
fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the
high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test,"
replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking
the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is
a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering,
power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD
player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and
pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument
package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into
his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change
are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"





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Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
100th Birthday
-------------------------

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."



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Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Outhouse
-------------------------

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had
to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was
hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into
the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,
the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night
his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble
because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."




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Monday, June 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Presidential Quotes
-------------------------

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" -- George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign.

"This is a great day for France!" -- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" -- George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students.

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks." -- George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." -- Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989.

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is." -- Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund.

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." -- William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address.

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." -- George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." -- George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." -- Ronald Reagan

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." -- Ronald Reagan




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Sunday, June 11, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Lumberyard
-------------------------

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."


Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."


The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 2015. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"


Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."





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Saturday, June 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Veterinarian
-------------------------

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he noted.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" asked the priest.

"Oh, $2,000 a week." said the old lady.

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" questioned the priest.

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

The impressed priest said, "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well," said the lady, "he tells me he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

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Friday, June 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Bale of Hay
-------------------------

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

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Thursday, June 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
No Warning
-------------------------

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

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Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Whatever it Takes
-------------------------

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

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Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dancing With a Child
-------------------------

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.

After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

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Monday, June 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Guinness Accident
-------------------------

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

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Sunday, June 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
How True it is
-------------------------

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

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Saturday, June 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hot Dogs
-------------------------

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might
as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
...cautiously: "What part did you get?





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Friday, June 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who Wants to be a Millionaire
-------------------------

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."









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Thursday, June 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gas & Religion
-------------------------

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an
Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a
gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the
way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts,
I'm turning Catholic.'








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Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Helping Hand
-------------------------

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they
came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog
on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is
carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said
the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl,
"and they screw you every time!"





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Monday, May 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Graduate
-------------------------

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"


The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"


The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"


The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



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