Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Modern Proverbs
-------------------------

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.








-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170621

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Body Hurts
-------------------------
font face=arial size=2>
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170620

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, June 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Phrases
-------------------------

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170619

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, June 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf Ball
-------------------------

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170616

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cadillac
-------------------------

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to
California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and
fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the
high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test,"
replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking
the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is
a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering,
power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD
player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and
pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument
package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into
his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change
are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170615

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
100th Birthday
-------------------------

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170614

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Outhouse
-------------------------

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had
to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was
hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into
the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,
the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night
his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble
because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170613

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, June 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Presidential Quotes
-------------------------

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" -- George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign.

"This is a great day for France!" -- Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral.

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" -- George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students.

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks." -- George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." -- Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989.

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is." -- Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund.

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." -- William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address.

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." -- George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." -- George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." -- Ronald Reagan

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." -- Ronald Reagan




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170612

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Lumberyard
-------------------------

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."


Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."


The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 2015. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"


Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170611

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Veterinarian
-------------------------

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he noted.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" asked the priest.

"Oh, $2,000 a week." said the old lady.

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" questioned the priest.

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

The impressed priest said, "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well," said the lady, "he tells me he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20020107

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, June 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Bale of Hay
-------------------------

A fellow comes to confession. "Father," he said, "forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20020106

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
No Warning
-------------------------

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20020105

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Whatever it Takes
-------------------------

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20020104

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dancing With a Child
-------------------------

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.

After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20020103

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, June 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Guinness Accident
-------------------------

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20020102

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st January, 2002

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st January, 2002 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
How True it is
-------------------------

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20020101

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hot Dogs
-------------------------

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might
as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
...cautiously: "What part did you get?





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170603

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, June 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who Wants to be a Millionaire
-------------------------

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is ... absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."









-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170602

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st June, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st June, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gas & Religion
-------------------------

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an
Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a
gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the
way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts,
I'm turning Catholic.'








-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170601

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Helping Hand
-------------------------

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they
came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog
on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is
carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said
the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl,
"and they screw you every time!"





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170531

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, May 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Graduate
-------------------------

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"


The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"


The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"


The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170529

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Human Body
-------------------------

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.


One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."


Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."


The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170528

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Got Milk?
-------------------------

A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170527

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, May 26, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Slide Down the Banister
-------------------------

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170526

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Fancy Restaurant
-------------------------

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...

... "You just happened to catch my eye





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170525

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sick of Blonde Jokes?
-------------------------

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"

"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".

"Wow!" said the herder.

"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?" queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170524

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
You Know It's Time to Diet When..
-------------------------

* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.









-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170523

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, May 22, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.









-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170522

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Spiritualism
-------------------------

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."








-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170521

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sparrow
-------------------------

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170520

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hearing Aid
-------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170516

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, May 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gunfighting Tips
-------------------------

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted
more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he
wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the
West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him
a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think
you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any
more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle
and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it's
all greased up."




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170515

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Hunter
-------------------------

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap
clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was
examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"

The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt
the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap
was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh,"
exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"


"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my
life."


"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"


"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170514

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ugly Suit
-------------------------

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted
thing?!" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get
rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit
we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit,
his seeing-eye dog bit me."





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170513

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, May 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Vacuum Cleaner
-------------------------

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170512

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Final Exam
-------------------------

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand".




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170511

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Fishing
-------------------------

Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake
fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says, "I think
I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6
months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like
that are hard to find."




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170510

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Is When..
-------------------------



Your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

A young babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today."

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

An "all nighter" means not getting up to go use the bathroom!

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170509

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, May 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New United Airlines Motto's:
-------------------------

"Drag and Drop"

"We put the hospital in hospitality"

"Board as a doctor, leave as a patient"

"Our prices can't be beaten, but our passengers can"

"We have First Class, Business Class and No Class"

"Not enough seating, prepare for a beating"

"We treat you like we treat your luggage"

"We beat the customer. Not the competition"

"And you thought leg room was an issue"

"Where voluntary is mandatory"

"Fight or flight. We decide"

"Now offering one free carry off"

"Beating random customers since 2017"

"If our staff needs a seat, we'll drag you out by your feet"

"A bloody good airline"



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170508

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What Turns You On?
-------------------------

A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???

He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170507

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ten Commandments
-------------------------

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are
thunder and lightning.


Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.


Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100
grand!


Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first
year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.


Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.


Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night
thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall
asleep before you finish.


Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.


Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.


Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After
that, he is finished..





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170506

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, May 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Devil
-------------------------

A few minutes before the church services started, the
congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to
get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was
empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know
who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked
Satan.

Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man,
in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying
agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't
you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for
48 years.'








-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170505

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Apples
-------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170504

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Police Quotes
-------------------------

#16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new, they'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything
I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine weather you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS...

#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170503

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Phone
-------------------------

The place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VIP's.

The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.

I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.

"I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone."

"Did you put the battery in the phone?"

"Not the extra one."

"Sir, the phone only came with one battery."

(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170502

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Monday, May 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st May, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st May, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Words for the Workplace
-------------------------

Essential NEW WORDS FOR editions for the work-place vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded
"administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170501

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pride
-------------------------

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."



-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170430

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Friday, April 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
One Dollar
-------------------------

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"





-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170429

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mouse Balls
-------------------------

NOTE: I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face!
This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its
employees. It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was in
regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note the
last sentence!)

INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,
it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic
balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these
necessary items.




-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170428

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th April, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th April, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Playing Horse
-------------------------

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.

10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".

11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.

15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."

18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.

19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.

20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.






-------------------------
Advertisements
-------------------------


Forward this joke to your friends! Or if you want to let them see this, give them this link: http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/cgi-bin/viewjoke.cgi?id=20170427

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

________________________________________________
To manage your account or to unsubscribe to our mailing list, go to http://www.jokeswarehouse.com/mailinglist.shtml