Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Night Lecture
-------------------------


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out
late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Don't take life too seriously..........no one makes it out alive anyway!!!




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Monday, September 18, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sheep Herd
-------------------------

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"

"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".

"Wow!" said the herder.

"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

"What is it?" queried the woman.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"




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Sunday, September 17, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Passing Gas
-------------------------

An elderly couple was attending church services when
about halfway through she leans over and says to him,
"I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think
I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery
in your hearing aid..."





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Saturday, September 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
25 Signs You've Grown Up:
-------------------------


Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
going to drink that much again."


90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.

You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a
bar.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you!!!





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Friday, September 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Stupidity
-------------------------

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Surfing in Nebraska.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour **** out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the brightest light bulb.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Not playing with all 52 cards.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
A few feathers short of a full pillow.
Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot.
A few links short in a chain.
A door without a handle.
A few bits short of a byte.




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Thursday, September 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.









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Monday, September 11, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Birthday Present
-------------------------

One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".

The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....






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Saturday, September 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Police Lights
-------------------------

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.

"Yes," says the blonde.



"Are their lights on?"



The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."





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Friday, September 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Fly
-------------------------

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.




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Thursday, September 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Whole Truth
-------------------------

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"



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Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Swearing at Work
-------------------------

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.


Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.


Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?


Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.


Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!


Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.


Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.


Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?


Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.


Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?


Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.


Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.


Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.


Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.


Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.


Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.


Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?


Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,
Human Resources







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Monday, September 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Psychopath Test
-------------------------

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question . It is as it
reads.

No one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did
not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be
her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but
never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later
she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]











Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test
by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the
test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the
question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take
your crazy ass off my list!




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Sunday, September 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Modern Proverbs
-------------------------

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.








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Saturday, September 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Out of Gas
-------------------------

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an
Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a
gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,
but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the
way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,
Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,
and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts,
I'm turning Catholic.'






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Friday, September 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Flat Tire
-------------------------

The night before one exam, two students tied one on,
(well, actually, tied two on, one each), and managed to
sleep through the final. They realized they were in serious
trouble, so they agreed to tell the professor that they had
a flat tire on the way to the exam.

"No problem." said the Professor, "Come by my office
at 5 P.M. and I'll give you the exam then."

Feeling pretty clever, the students spent the intervening
time getting information on the exam from students who
had already taken it, and making sure they knew how
to do the problems. Coming to the professor's office
that evening, they were told, "Leave your books in
my office, and I'll put you in two separate rooms for
the exam." They were both ecstatic to see that the
Professor had given them the exact same exam taken
by the class that morning. However, there was an
additional page tacked on the end, upon which was
written, "For 50% of the grade, which tire was flat?"





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Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Robins
-------------------------

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"OK," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."







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Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mouse Balls
-------------------------

NOTE: I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face!
This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its
employees. It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was in
regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor! (Especially note the
last sentence!)

INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically,
it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic
balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these
necessary items.




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Monday, August 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:
-------------------------

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.



Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies -- Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.




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Sunday, August 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
-------------------------
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Saturday, August 26, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Can You Name This Organization?
-------------------------

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than
500 employees and has the following
statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

* 1 one ran a stop sign and killed a man on a motorcycle

Can you guess which organization this is?



Give up yet?






It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
of idiots elected by us that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed
to keep the rest of us in line.





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Friday, August 25, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bathtub
-------------------------

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"






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Thursday, August 24, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Explorers
-------------------------

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days
with no food and little water...

One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they
crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a
Cannibal's Restaurant.

Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the
little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the
clearing and looked up to see the following menu:

"Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50"

They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a
table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered,
one of the explorers asked the waiter, "Can you help me understand
your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third
item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter. "Did you ever try to
CLEAN one of those suckers?"





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Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hiking
-------------------------

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"







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Monday, August 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
FHA Loan
-------------------------

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

(Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain

The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved.





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Sunday, August 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Getting Married
-------------------------

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."




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Saturday, August 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf
-------------------------

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with
clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized
society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and
not too often.

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons,
practice constantly -- or start cheating.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice -
once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot
count, criticize or laugh.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those
in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play
eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were
taken.





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Friday, August 18, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Lecture
-------------------------


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out
late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of
night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Don't take life too seriously..........no one makes it out alive anyway!!!




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Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
-------------------------

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.




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Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Actual Lines from Resumes
-------------------------

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

I am sicking and entry-level position.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis



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Monday, August 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
5 Riddles
-------------------------

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that
haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for
over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly
you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary
and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact,
nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and
think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you
work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

Answers:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

How did you do?





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Sunday, August 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Scenario
-------------------------

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.




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Friday, August 11, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Bridge
-------------------------

A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind.

"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other.

"What are you worried about"? the second replied. "It's a rental."





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Thursday, August 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Seminar
-------------------------

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?




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Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hair Spray
-------------------------

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The
little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather
replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp
to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back
out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma




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Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Anesthesia
-------------------------

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital
where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's
that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After
he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't
know nothing now."






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Monday, August 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
King Arthur
-------------------------

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now . . . what is the moral to this story?

The moral is . . .

If you don't let a woman have her own way . . .

Things are going to get ugly!




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Sunday, August 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bar Personality
-------------------------

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.
Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.





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Saturday, August 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rigorous Exercise for Over 60
-------------------------

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb
potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb
potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full
minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.





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Friday, August 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Explorers
-------------------------

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days
with no food and little water...

One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they
crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a
Cannibal's Restaurant.

Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the
little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the
clearing and looked up to see the following menu:

"Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50"

They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to a
table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered,
one of the explorers asked the waiter, "Can you help me understand
your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third
item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter. "Did you ever try to
CLEAN one of those suckers?"





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Thursday, August 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Baby Planes
-------------------------

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City
to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big
dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the
stewardess."

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that
there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can
ask your mother to explain it to you."





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Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
First Class
-------------------------

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York,
and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the
co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her
to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied,
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know
how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling
to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."







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Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st August, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st August, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Dog's Life
-------------------------

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill

In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely
certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets.
- Nora Ephron

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
- Ann Landers

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it.
- Unknown

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does.
- Christopher Morley

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andrew A. Rooney

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life,
his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat
of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton

I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt,
and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck






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Monday, July 31, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Prison vs. Work
-------------------------

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay
for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars
from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out
and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.


When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like
being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever
I wanted to.







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Sunday, July 30, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Things Not to Say to a Cop
-------------------------



1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been going about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"





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Saturday, July 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th July, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th July, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us!
-------------------------

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.




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