Sunday, December 31, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Passwords
-------------------------

During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.






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Saturday, December 30, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Drinking during Lunch
-------------------------

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.







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Friday, December 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Slide Down the Banister
-------------------------

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.





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Thursday, December 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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167 years for California
-------------------------

Do you know what was happening 167 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands









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Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Good Advice
-------------------------

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?






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Monday, December 25, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
-------------------------

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues
and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's you're best friend.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.




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Friday, December 22, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Bear on the Roof
-------------------------

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."




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Thursday, December 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Arrogance is Equal to Stupidity
-------------------------

Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked
with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect
your farm for a possible new road.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and
said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.
See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'

So the old farmer went about his chores.
It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.

He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for
their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show him
your card!!




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Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Deep Hole
-------------------------

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big
deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there
and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big
rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the
hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined
look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker
in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as
fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and
into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and
ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like
crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."





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Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Better Gunfighter?
-------------------------

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.''

Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.

''Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much.




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Monday, December 18, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Rodeo
-------------------------

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."





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Sunday, December 17, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Talking Frog
-------------------------

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."





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Saturday, December 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Golf Clubs
-------------------------

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence-

HUSBAND: "sh*t."




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Friday, December 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bar on a Cruise Ship
-------------------------

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said,
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."


The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like
to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of
you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of
water."

"Coming up," said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."





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Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage
-------------------------

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.




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Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Butt Dust?
-------------------------

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... ...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'







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Monday, December 11, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Hollywood Squares
-------------------------

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh





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Sunday, December 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Auto Collision
-------------------------

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road.

Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.





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Saturday, December 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Thunderstorm
-------------------------

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."




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Friday, December 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Vacuum
-------------------------

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"








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Thursday, December 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.









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Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf Balls
-------------------------

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"




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Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Duck
-------------------------

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the
duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their
upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it
difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.


"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even
with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because
the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if
you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water
it'll drown."


The man goes about his business and about a week later the
Doctor runs into his patient.


"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.


"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.


"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took
a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the
Doctor.


"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took
him out of the vise."





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Sunday, December 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Newlyweds
-------------------------

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Wanda, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said Ed. "My thingy's turnin blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor took a look. Sure enough, Ed's "thingy" really was blue. The doctor turned to Wanda and asked,
"Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape," she replied.




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Saturday, December 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Nun
-------------------------

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before
her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love
for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the
benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you,
but to grant you anything you wish," said God.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am
doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports
me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.

"There must be something you would have of me," said God.

"Well, there is one thing," she said.

"Just name it," said God.

"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not
just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the
minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do
just for you."

"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said
the nun.

"Name it. Please," said God.

"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."





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Friday, December 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st December, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st December, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lawyers vs. Rats
-------------------------

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked
to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers
for experiments in our lab?"


"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"


"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.
"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers
breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights
groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things
even a rat won't do."





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Thursday, November 30, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Worm
-------------------------

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.

His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.

"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."

"That's from your grandma," said Josh.






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Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
-------------------------

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism
it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and
'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've
seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray
hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.







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Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New CEO
-------------------------

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $300 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Yeah, he's the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza.






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Monday, November 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Text from his Neighbor
-------------------------

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, and has a long drawn out fight with his wife about her infidelity.

A few moments later, a second text came in:



Correction: I meant "wifi", not "wife".




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Saturday, November 25, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Senior Thoughts
-------------------------

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.




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Thursday, November 23, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Words for the Wise
-------------------------

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!










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Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Snowplow
-------------------------

Michael and his wife live in Minnesota. One winter morning while listening to WCCO, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." Michael's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......", then the electric power goes out. Michael's wife is very upset and, with a worried look on her face, she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in Michael's voice, like all the men who are married to blondes exhibit, Michael says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.







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Sunday, November 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bedroom Mirror
-------------------------

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed.

"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly..........pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....






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Friday, November 17, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Job
-------------------------

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am .
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA )
Was perking, he shaved with his
Electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
Designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and
Tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new
Electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
He sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)
To see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN)
To the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search
For a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging
And fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL)
Poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE)
And turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),

And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.





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Thursday, November 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Murphy's Law in Sex
-------------------------

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.


>/p>

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Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heart Attack
-------------------------

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over
here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him
play through."






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Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Service
-------------------------

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."


"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"

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Monday, November 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grizzly Bear Conflicts
-------------------------

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear
conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is
advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They
advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting
them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray
with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a
good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black
bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and
contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung
has little bells in it and smells like pepper.







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Sunday, November 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chapped Lips
-------------------------

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After
dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where
the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the
whole thing.

"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."





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Friday, November 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Dietician
-------------------------

A dietician was once addressing a large
audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs
is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the germs in our
drinking water. But there is one thing
that is the most dangerous of all and we
all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what
lethal product I'm referring to?, You,
sir, in the first row, please give us
your idea."

The man in the front row lowered his head
and said, "Wedding cake."







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Thursday, November 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mirrors
-------------------------

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man....She explained that all these lip prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are
teachers, and then there are educators...





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Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Prize Bull
-------------------------

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."






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Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Crossing the Delaware
-------------------------

When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are only 32 of us here without Peters.'





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Monday, November 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Advice
-------------------------

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"





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Sunday, November 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Don't Make a Nurse Angry
-------------------------

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."






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Saturday, November 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Yogi Berra Quotes
-------------------------

"This is like deja vu all over again."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

"I made a wrong mistake."

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"I didn't really say everything I said."




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