Friday, November 17, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Job
-------------------------

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am .
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA )
Was perking, he shaved with his
Electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
Designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and
Tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new
Electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
He sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)
To see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN)
To the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search
For a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging
And fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL)
Poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE)
And turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),

And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.





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Thursday, November 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Murphy's Law in Sex
-------------------------

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.


>/p>

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Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heart Attack
-------------------------

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up
his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over
here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him
play through."






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Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Service
-------------------------

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."


"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"

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Monday, November 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grizzly Bear Conflicts
-------------------------

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear
conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is
advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They
advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting
them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray
with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a
good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black
bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and
contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung
has little bells in it and smells like pepper.







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Sunday, November 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chapped Lips
-------------------------

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After
dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where
the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the
whole thing.

"Whudd'ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."





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Friday, November 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Dietician
-------------------------

A dietician was once addressing a large
audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs
is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the germs in our
drinking water. But there is one thing
that is the most dangerous of all and we
all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what
lethal product I'm referring to?, You,
sir, in the first row, please give us
your idea."

The man in the front row lowered his head
and said, "Wedding cake."







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Thursday, November 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mirrors
-------------------------

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man....She explained that all these lip prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are
teachers, and then there are educators...





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Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Prize Bull
-------------------------

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."






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Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Crossing the Delaware
-------------------------

When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are only 32 of us here without Peters.'





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Monday, November 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Advice
-------------------------

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"





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Sunday, November 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Don't Make a Nurse Angry
-------------------------

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."






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Saturday, November 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Yogi Berra Quotes
-------------------------

"This is like deja vu all over again."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.

Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.

"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

"I made a wrong mistake."

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"I didn't really say everything I said."




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Friday, November 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gentle Thoughts for Today
-------------------------

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."





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Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st November, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st November, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ever Wonder...
-------------------------

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?




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Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Dog
-------------------------

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"





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Monday, October 30, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cabbie
-------------------------

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.




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Sunday, October 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Stall
-------------------------

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't
know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just
fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy
right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions.'




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Saturday, October 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
25 Years
-------------------------

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.






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Friday, October 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Kinds of Sex
-------------------------

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!






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Thursday, October 26, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Car Accident
-------------------------

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into
her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number.
"What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.

"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."

At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for
the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car
they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.


It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression
on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"






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Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Accused of Burglary
-------------------------

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.



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Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Throwing a Party
-------------------------

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the
bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will
help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear
of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a
wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the
clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would
probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the
children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the
bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from
tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the
party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50,
WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"








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Sunday, October 22, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Counseling
-------------------------

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years
they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your
wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop
her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish!




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Saturday, October 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Occupations
-------------------------

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.







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Friday, October 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mississippi Student Absentees
-------------------------


I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out
loud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school
district. (Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take
P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and
I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is
administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he playing
football. He hurt in the growing part.

Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because she
has been bothered by very close veins.

Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no rain
cot and it was missing rain.

Please excuse Bowdiddly fom school cause he uncle
died. Bow say, "I sho glad it want me."

Lugene will not be in school cus he has an acre in his
side .

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He
had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the s----. [Words were
crossed out in the ( )'s}

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He
had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his
bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's
fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a weak from Friday. We have
to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had a
cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary Ann for being absent yestitty. She
was in bed with gramps.

Lizie was absent yesterday as she was having a
gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she been sick and under the
doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a
fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached
all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, her father even got hot last night.






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Thursday, October 19, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Buy a Dog
-------------------------

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first
tearing it apart to remove the sports section
Buy a dog.


If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the
joy of seeing you
Buy a dog.


If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and
never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
Buy a dog


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as
long and wherever you want
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm
your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
Buy a dog.


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if
you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin , young or old, who acts as if every
word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you
unconditionally, perpetually
Buy a dog.


But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when
you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over
the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home
to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to
ensure his happiness...


Then.................


Buy a cat...




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Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ponderisms
-------------------------

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?






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Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Annual Senior Citizen Test
-------------------------

It's that time of year to take our annual senior
citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important
as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's
important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use
it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're
losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't
see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your
mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up
now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto
World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why
the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to
Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over
Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided
into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the
flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally
crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between
East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East
Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you
said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four
get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea
, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your friends and
pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!




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Monday, October 16, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Earring
-------------------------

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

(I always wondered how this trend got started.)




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Sunday, October 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pickles
-------------------------

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."



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Saturday, October 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Car Accident
-------------------------

I rear-ended a car a few days ago....... I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin' DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "well, which one are you then?"




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Friday, October 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Swearing
-------------------------

There are two brothers, aged four and six.

The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."

The four year old says "OK."

The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"

The four year old says "OK."

So they go downstairs and their mother says "What would you boys like for breakfast?"

The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."

WHACK!

The kid goes flying across the room.

The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

The four year old says "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."





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Thursday, October 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Prescription
-------------------------

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'




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Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Very Special Bar
-------------------------

This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here before," the first guy says.

"Oh really," the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."

"Why is that?" the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gough, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"See, it's fun. You should try it!" he says.

"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!...he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!" he says.

"Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100... 200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!... ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.

After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.

The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"




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Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Oxymorons
-------------------------

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
I dunno, why do we?





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Monday, October 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Phrases
-------------------------

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes2// Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.




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Saturday, October 7, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hollywood Squares
-------------------------
p align="left">
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh





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Friday, October 6, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Dirty Magazines
-------------------------

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, A Marine husband called home to tell his wife he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. She launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

The husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."






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Thursday, October 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Things Not to Say to a Cop
-------------------------



1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been going about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"




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Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sausages
-------------------------

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.
They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"
He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."






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Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
County Agricultural Show
-------------------------

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:

THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.




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Sunday, October 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st October, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st October, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Juror Number 1
-------------------------

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.




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Friday, September 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Little Red Wagon
-------------------------

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."





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Thursday, September 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th September, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th September, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Termite Busters
-------------------------

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."




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