Saturday, July 31, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Meet the Boyfriend
-------------------------

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.
They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girls mom says " Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy. "

" Oh, please, Mom ! " says the daughter. " If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 Hrs. of Community Service ? "

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Friday, July 30, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Turkey Loaf
-------------------------

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Man Killed On Golf Course
-------------------------

A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.

Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.


She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,

"I guess all those f*cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it!
You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.


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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mexican Oysters
-------------------------

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico City.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

"What is that you just served?" he asked the waiter.

"Ah senor, you have excellent taste!" the waiter replied. "Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

"What the heck, bring me an order."

"I am so sorry senor," the waiter replied. "There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter.

"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders.

"Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..."

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Locker Room
-------------------------

A group of guys are in a locker room, when a cell phone rings. One of them picks it up.

Man: " Hello "

Woman: " Honey it's me. Are you at the club ? "

Man: " Yes "

Woman: " Well, I have news. The house we wanted is back on the market. They are asking $950,000."

Man: " Well then, go ahead and make an offer, but make it $1.2 million so we'll be sure to get it."

Woman: " Okay, I'll see you later. I love you ! "

Man : " Bye, I love you too. "

The man hangs up. Then he asks, " Anyone know who's phone this is ? "

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Monday, July 26, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Impossible to Please
-------------------------

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

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Sunday, July 25, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Salary Theory
-------------------------


Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since:

Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:

The less you know, the more you make.

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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
British Hospitality
-------------------------

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."


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Friday, July 23, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hollywood Squares
-------------------------

These great questions and answers are from the days when theHollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him...

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
High Medical Cost
-------------------------

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying " I'm going to give you a bracelet. "

" Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ? " I ask coyly.

" No, " he said. " But it cost just as much. "

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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Court Docket
-------------------------

Actual Australian Court Docket 12659

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.


The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.


The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
when the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'


'Case Dismissed!'

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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Pickle
-------------------------

There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.

Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, "What's your secret?"

The guy whispers, "All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants."

In a fluorish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants. But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror. Confused, he hurries over to the first guyand desperately asks, "Why are all the girls running away from me?"

The first guy looks up and replies, "The pickle's on the wrong side."

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Monday, July 19, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Rabbit Test
-------------------------

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Chauffeur
-------------------------

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"

The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"

The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"

The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"

The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

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Saturday, July 17, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lemon Juice
-------------------------

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."

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Friday, July 16, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
IRS Visit
-------------------------

A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life
-------------------------

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had
a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved
with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: Your wife
can't find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter
borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.
Bad: He's a
cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old
daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Very Ugly: She makes more
money than you do.

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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Panic On Interstate 280
-------------------------

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280".

"Please Be Careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman.

"It's hundreds of them!"

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Monday, July 12, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chinese Dinner
-------------------------

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the
meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little
eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her
husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two
little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you
order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you
Peeking Duck


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Sunday, July 11, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Fun With Words
-------------------------

* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

* "When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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-------------------------

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Saturday, July 10, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Replacement Windows
-------------------------

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who had installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago
and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because
I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last
year, "that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year!", I told him.

There was only silence
at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never
called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

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-------------------------

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Friday, July 9, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Definitely
-------------------------

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants..

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Thursday, July 8, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Guess Who?
-------------------------

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sex After Death
-------------------------

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"


"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rules
-------------------------

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

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Sunday, July 4, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Train
-------------------------

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both "married to other people," found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

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Saturday, July 3, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Billing
-------------------------

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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Friday, July 2, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd July, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd July, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy
-------------------------

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

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