Funny Jokes Corner: January 2010

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Hollywood Squares
-------------------------

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

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-------------------------

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Saturday, January 30, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Journey of Man
-------------------------

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. .. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big t*ts.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, January 29, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Swearing at Work
-------------------------

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Just Fred
-------------------------

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Dentist
-------------------------

The dentist pulls out a Novocaine needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Pay Raise
-------------------------

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, January 25, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Question A Drunk
-------------------------

Why You Should Never, Ever, Question A Drunk...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, January 24, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Marriage Phrases
-------------------------

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -Marriage quotes2// Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

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Saturday, January 23, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Marketing Translations
-------------------------

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Lucky Frog
-------------------------

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.

"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Jenny Craig For Men
-------------------------

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,
he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you
can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he
does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens
with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he
has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company
to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular
guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck
that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Canadian Poignant Sense of Humour
-------------------------

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being
held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

She received the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces
who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are
currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National
Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .

You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'
program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will
help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers.

We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next
yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
(in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.

This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over
time.
Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious
beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow
man.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, January 18, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Half-Wit
-------------------------

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, January 16, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dear Abby
-------------------------

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
It's the usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently - although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Worried Sick in Indiana

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, January 15, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Latest Tiger Woods update...
-------------------------

Seems Elin Woods can do better than Tiger could ever hope for...

Tiger Woods now knows that Elin is obviously better with a 9-iron than Tiger could ever hope to be..He swings, 10 million people watching live and on TV, gets one ball to go maybe 180 yards, for $1.8 million

Elin swings, takes out 2 teeth and a lip, 2 car windows, one Escalade, a fire hydrant and a tree, the whole damn world watching...gets $500 million for it...

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Password
-------------------------

During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Final Exam
-------------------------

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mirror
-------------------------

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, January 11, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Five Rules For Men
-------------------------

Five Rules For Men To Follow To a Happy Life:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,* *
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you* *
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust* *
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed* *
and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women* *
do not know each other.*

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, January 10, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Hillbillies
-------------------------

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, January 8, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Buffalo Theory
-------------------------

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, January 7, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Redneck Logic
-------------------------

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Real Jerk
-------------------------

This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here before," the first guy says.

"Oh really," the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."

"Why is that?" the first guy asks.

"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gough, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.

"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies.

"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"See, it's fun. You should try it!" he says.

"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!...he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

"Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!" he says.

"Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...100... 200...300...500...1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!... ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.

After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.

The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, January 4, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Police Quotes
-------------------------

#16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new, they'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything
I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine weather you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS...

#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, January 3, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ear Hair
-------------------------

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, January 2, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Oxymorons
-------------------------

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
I dunno, why do we?

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, January 1, 2010

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st January, 2010

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st January, 2010 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deer Camp
-------------------------

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with Bob the whole time, so they voted to take turns sharing the room with Bob.

The first guy to sleep in the same room with Bob came to breakfast the next morning with his hair in a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other guys said, "Man, what happened to you?

Their exhausted co-camper said, "Bob snored so loudly, I gave up trying to sleep and just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. The man came to the breakfast table with his hair standing up, and eyes completely bloodshot.

Again his friends asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!

He replied: 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.

His friends couldn't believe it. Flabbergasted they asked, "What happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched ME all night."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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