Thursday, January 31, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grandma's Boyfriend
-------------------------

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."




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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Words of Wisdom
-------------------------

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print.
There ain't no way you're going to like it.


If you let a smile be your umbrella,
then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years,
we'll have thousands of old ladies
running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.




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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Devil in Church
-------------------------

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of
Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the
service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and
talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you
afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."





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Monday, January 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Blonde's Year in Review
-------------------------

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C"....isn't it?

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound - I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911.... "duh"....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!




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Sunday, January 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Strange and Funny Tombstones
-------------------------

Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

******************************

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

******************************

In a London, England cemetery:


Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

****************************

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

******************************

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:


Here lies Johnny Yeast. .
Pardon me
For not rising.

******************************

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

******************************

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:


Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

****************************

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange. .
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

*****************************

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

*****************************

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

*****************************

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

******************************

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

*****************************

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the
tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went

******************************

Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More





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Saturday, January 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Poison
-------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"




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Friday, January 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Advice
-------------------------

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?





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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Daughter is a Good Girl
-------------------------

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"




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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Insurance Salesman
-------------------------

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"




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Monday, January 21, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Did God Make You?
-------------------------

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"




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Sunday, January 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Neil Armstrong Secret Revealed...
-------------------------

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar
Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On
The Moon.

His First Words After Stepping On The Moon,
'that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind,'
Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.

But Just Before He Re-entered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic
Remark 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky.'

Many People At Nasa Thought It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In
Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.

Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky'... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.

On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While
Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought
Up The 26 Year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He
Finally Responded. Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong
Felt He Could Now Answer The Question.

In 1938, When Neil Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was
Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard. His Friend
Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By Their
Bedroom Window.

His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.

As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard
Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky. 'sex, You Want Sex Now??!!'

You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!'

True Story




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Saturday, January 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Nativity Scene
-------------------------

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to
come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You
Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply
couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some
pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my
face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from
afar.'"





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Friday, January 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf Balls
-------------------------

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of
golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".


Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"




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Thursday, January 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Employee Statistics
-------------------------

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than
500 employees and has the following
statistics:

*29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

* 1 one ran a stop sign and killed a man on a motorcycle

Can you guess which organization this is?



Give up yet?






It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group
of idiots elected by us that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed
to keep the rest of us in line.





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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who Killed Abraham Lincoln?
-------------------------

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"




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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ex-Girlfriend
-------------------------

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"



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Monday, January 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Church Service
-------------------------

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just silently
passed gas - what do you think I should do?"

He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."




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Sunday, January 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deer Hunting Season
-------------------------

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway.

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.

Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."



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Saturday, January 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grandma's Revenge
-------------------------

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and
headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."





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Friday, January 11, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Phobia
-------------------------

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into
bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the
bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under,
top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the
shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your
fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the
psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten
dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"




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Thursday, January 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Life's Insights
-------------------------

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley
(lead Riverdancer)

2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own
jars." - Bruce Willis

3. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on
Satan.'" - George Burns

4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock

5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out
there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and
the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from
Seinfeld)

6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic
Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry
Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose
(Guns'n'Roses)

14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson

15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack
Nicholson





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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Children Are Quick
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TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
____________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
____________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher





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Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Need Some Help For a Buddy
-------------------------

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.



Can you help him?





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Monday, January 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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25 Gallons of Milk
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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to
clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean
2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my
bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and
beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."




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Sunday, January 6, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Dead Mule
-------------------------

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a
dead mule (jackass to the knowing) in the church yard. He called the
police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police
referred the preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the
sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without
authorization from the mayor.

Now, the preacher knew the mayor, and was not to eager to call him. The
mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the
preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at
the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your
job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his
response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead,
but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"




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Saturday, January 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Cats
-------------------------

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.




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Friday, January 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Newlyweds
-------------------------

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...
"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband.
"My testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue.
The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I
prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape"




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Thursday, January 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Alamo
-------------------------

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"




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Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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May Joe R.I.P.
-------------------------

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."






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Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st January, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st January, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Redneck Tips
-------------------------


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.


DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.


PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as
they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.


THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.






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