Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Homework
-------------------------

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."








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Monday, December 30, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blood
-------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."




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Sunday, December 29, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Tonto & Lone Ranger
-------------------------

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look
toward sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell
you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's
it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo sh*t. It mean someone steal tent."




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Saturday, December 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Actual Bumper Stickers
-------------------------

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Montana - At least our cows are sane!"

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS."

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace..... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

"We are bom naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"





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Friday, December 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Play a Game
-------------------------

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going
to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it.

The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The
object is red and grows on trees."

A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct.

Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a
different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook!

The teacher said correct.

Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?"

The teacher said yes.

He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said
"The object is round, hard, and has a head on it."

The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!"

Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"




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Thursday, December 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gentle Thoughts for Today
-------------------------

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."




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Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Seminar
-------------------------

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"



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Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
FBI Warning!
-------------------------

WARNING: After a recent wave of identify thefts, the FBI estimates there are over 500 fake Obamacare websites set up for the sole purpose of stealing your personal information. So protect yourself and remember: the real one is the one that doesn't work.




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Monday, December 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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New Company Policy
-------------------------

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.







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Sunday, December 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Hollywood Squares
-------------------------

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh




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Saturday, December 21, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cold Cream
-------------------------

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"





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Friday, December 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Buying A Car
-------------------------

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He's on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.

The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "We purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "Why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting".

"What are you waiting for?", asked the cop.

The old lady sitting in the drivers seat replies," We were told that if we ever bought a car from here we would get screwed."




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Thursday, December 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Arthritis
-------------------------

A drunk man who smelled like booze sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,'
then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man
and apologized. 'I'm very sorry.

I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does.




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Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
22 MPH
-------------------------

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."





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Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Girlfriends
-------------------------

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.



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Monday, December 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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7 Kinds of Sex
-------------------------

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!






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Sunday, December 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wooded Ravine
-------------------------

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."







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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Widows
-------------------------

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."




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Friday, December 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wise Sayings
-------------------------


I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me
neither."
* Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on
Saturday .night."
* Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase
sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is
the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog
vacation at the taxidermist."
* Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other
eight are unimportant."
* George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
* Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what
she's reading."
* Steve Jobs

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so
I said "Thyroid problem?'"
*Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for
black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black
pimps."
* Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson

He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of
it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that women are
too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
* Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that
many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men
think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody
naked.'"
* Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free
peanuts
*Jeff Foxworthy





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Thursday, December 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend is Going to Dump You...
-------------------------

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.

8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.

6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.

5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."

4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.

3. Your other girlfriend told you so.

2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"





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Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Toilet Seat
-------------------------

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take Care of another matter before she returned.


She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.


Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.



The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,



"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."


The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...
I just never saw one mounted and framed."





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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
-------------------------

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road...

SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?




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Monday, December 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Stiff Sentence
-------------------------

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your assh*le before prison...."





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Sunday, December 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Phobia
-------------------------

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into
bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the
bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under,
top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the
shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your
fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the
psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten
dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"




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Saturday, December 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Little Gas
-------------------------

While walking in the convent a priest passed one of the nuns and noticed she
was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight, are we Sister
Angela?" he asked.

"No, Father," Sister Angela said, "It's just a little
gas."

A month or two later, the priest noticed that she had gained yet more
weight. "Gaining some weight, are we Sister Angela?" asked the priest.

"No,
Father, just a little gas," she again replied.

A couple of months later, the priest noticed Sister Angela pushing a baby
carriage through the convent. Approaching her, he leaned over, looked in the
carriage and said, "My, what a cute little fart!"



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Thursday, December 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What Happened in Texas?
-------------------------

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately,
the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his
drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar,
handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a
shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he
yelled.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE
BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE
TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked
outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of
town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner,
before you go. . .what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."





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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Don't Mess With Old People
-------------------------

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had
breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand.
He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!



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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Indiana Jones
-------------------------

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""?
The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?
She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".
She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)




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Monday, December 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lost My Glasses
-------------------------

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing. Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.



She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 76 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."



"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do, I signed up for five jumps a week."



The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.






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Sunday, December 1, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st December, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st December, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Simple Test
-------------------------

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents.
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable
to decide about his future career ...
so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid,
pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will
be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest -
but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will
be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ...
the son saw the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the
light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative
whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room,
carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I
could ever have imagined ... "

"Our son is going to be a politician!"






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Saturday, November 30, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Bear Trap
-------------------------

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap
clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was
examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"

The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt
the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap
was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh,"
exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"


"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my
life."


"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"


"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.






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Friday, November 29, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Modern Medicine
-------------------------

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
winter?"





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Thursday, November 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heaven or Hell
-------------------------

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."




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Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sign
-------------------------

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"





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Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ponderisms
-------------------------

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?





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Monday, November 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Motorhome
-------------------------

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!"


The waitress says, "That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?"


But the blonde keeps on screaming,
"I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"



Finally, the manager comes over and says,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
because we didn't have that as a prize.



The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motorhome!"



And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...




"W I N A B A G E L"






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Sunday, November 24, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
-------------------------

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep
yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?





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Saturday, November 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Top Ten Signs Your Team Won't Be Winning The NCAA Basketball Championship
-------------------------

10. Your top player scores 20 points a game, but most of them are in the wrong basket.

9. You spend most of the game guarding the mascot.

8. Some of the players joined the team for the free headbands.

7. Instead of drinking Gatorade, team uses timeouts to moisturize.

6. Typical motivational speech: "Let's hurry this up so we can shower."

5. The scorekeeper doesn't bother to turn on your half of the scoreboard.

4. In your region: North Carolina, Duke and the '98 Chicago Bulls.

3. You lead the conference in nosebleeds.

2. Team refuses to attend game because they don't want to miss a new episode of The George Lopez Show.

1. Players ask themselves, "What would the Knicks do?"




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Friday, November 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mud Bath
-------------------------

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a
while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have
discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to
live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in
years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to
that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."




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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Organic
-------------------------

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."




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Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf Nut
-------------------------

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to
make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might
affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out
on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.
If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always
win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your
honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've
concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The
truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and
overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."




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Monday, November 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Finding You
-------------------------

I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm
finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!




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Sunday, November 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Professional Help
-------------------------

A guy had been feeling down for so long that
he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.


He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his
guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the
psychiatrist to make him feel better.


The psychiatrist asked him a few questions,
took some notes then sat thinking in silence
for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his
face.


Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of
delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is
low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."








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Saturday, November 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bathtub
-------------------------

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"





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Friday, November 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
"Old" is when...
-------------------------


...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!





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Thursday, November 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Did God Make You?
-------------------------

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"



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Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Chinese Restaurant
-------------------------

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. " I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."



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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Vacation
-------------------------

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy
Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a
vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii
and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and
Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't
get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."





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Monday, November 11, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th November, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th November, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Worm
-------------------------

Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.

His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.

"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."

"That's from your grandma," said Josh.






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