Sunday, September 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Words of Wisdom
-------------------------

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was
dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her
comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she
refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.
Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift
the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount
into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more.
Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to
the last drop.


"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom
before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious
look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".






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Saturday, September 29, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Match
-------------------------


A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to
the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me,
are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and
flint together?"

"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"


"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a
Match."


'Match? Never heard of it."


"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a
match and striking it on his pants."

"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."

"Well, why not?"

"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want
a fire."






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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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-------------------------
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Friday, September 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Signs Found In The Kitchen
-------------------------

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your
standards.

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.

It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even
worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending
machines.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.

Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!







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Thursday, September 27, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Tough Day on the Golf Course
-------------------------

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice,
"This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when
she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."

"Oh my God", the other golfers said. "That must have been horrible!"

"Horrible?! You think it`s horrible?" Bob continued still very distressed. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of
the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."






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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Amazon Parrot
-------------------------

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's
prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude
and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that
weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music--anything he could think of to try and
set a good example... Nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the
bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the
bird just got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming...

Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have
hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am
truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action
and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth,
endeavor to correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst
never again occurs."

Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was
about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot
continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"








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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Fishing Weekend
-------------------------

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of
his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for
me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack
me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my
things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she
does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he
comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife
welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes!

Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you
pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?"


"I did, they're in your tackle box."





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Monday, September 24, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bravest Troops
-------------------------

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing
about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the
dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

The Army General called a private over and ordered him to
climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The
Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and
salute. The private quickly complied.

Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish
the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute
smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and
landed on the concrete below.

Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and
navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with
bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the
Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"

The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"






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Sunday, September 23, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer
-------------------------


You met him in prison.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and
proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said . . ."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the
little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in
the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."





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Saturday, September 22, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bank Loan
-------------------------

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'


(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!




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Thursday, September 20, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Toilet Paper
-------------------------

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping.
She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager,
"but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand,
"this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny,
strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says,
"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"




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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Pinocchio
-------------------------

Geppetto runs into his beloved Pinocchio at the mall one day.
He asks how things are going. Pinocchio stammers "uh... well
I have problems... with my girlfriend. You know? Splinters".

Geppetto chuckles fatherly, winks and says "sandpaper, my boy.
Sandpaper".

A month later he runs into Pinocchio again and asks how's it going
with his, er, problem.

Pinocchio asks "what problem?"

"You know, with the girlfriend (nudge nudge)" Geppetto says.

"Girlfriend?" Pinocchio says. "Who needs girls?"





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Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Peanuts
-------------------------


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when
he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful
of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she
taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of
peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about
to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then
don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."





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Monday, September 17, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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McDonalds
-------------------------

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a
beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve
beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the
jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look,
and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."




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Sunday, September 16, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Organic
-------------------------

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."



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Saturday, September 15, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Late Blonde
-------------------------

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"




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Friday, September 14, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Petroleum Jelly
-------------------------

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."






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Thursday, September 13, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Chinese "69"
-------------------------

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wanna ... numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries.........

"You want... Beef wif Bwoccori?"





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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Getting Married
-------------------------

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."




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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Southwest
-------------------------

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out
the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby
dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby
airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to
ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The
stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell
you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."




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Monday, September 10, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Little Old Man
-------------------------

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying.

The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"



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Sunday, September 9, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Olive
-------------------------

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at
the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally,
another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became
exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.

"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.

"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, he
couldn't get away."






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Saturday, September 8, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who's that man?
-------------------------

After a long night of making love, the young
guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from
his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable
to find it, he asked the girl if she had one
at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer,"
she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and
found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of
a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the
guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered
guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the
operation."




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Friday, September 7, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
George Carlin's Philosophy Class
-------------------------

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?





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Thursday, September 6, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tribe
-------------------------

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," She replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor."I'd like to write this up for The Montana Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" Asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called



(You know me, I hate to do this to you)



"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"




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Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
IRS
-------------------------

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man named
Shea) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then
turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When
we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in
his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?
What do you do..with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the
crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,
they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to
the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And...
about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."






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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Fortune Teller
-------------------------

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"




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Monday, September 3, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Match
-------------------------

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to
the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me,
are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and
flint together?"

"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"


"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a
Match."


'Match? Never heard of it."


"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a
match and striking it on his pants."

"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."

"Well, why not?"

"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want
a fire."





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Sunday, September 2, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Golf Story
-------------------------

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"




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Saturday, September 1, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st September, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st September, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Too Much Hunting
-------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made
my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to
load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.


There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.


I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."


She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in
that sh*t?"




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