Funny Jokes Corner: 2009

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Why We All Miss Rodney Dangerfield...
-------------------------

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield Because he said ..... It's tough to stay
married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from
my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate
myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when
you put a bag
over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen
the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for
mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I' m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear
the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of
had anything to play with.

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-------------------------

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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Sumbich
-------------------------

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw
a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!

Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something.

You won the bet! How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, December 28, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Alabama Vasectomy
-------------------------

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford
a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him
that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light
it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting
a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about
to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama.
This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer
can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb
and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand...

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, December 27, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Dead Rabbit
-------------------------

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of
them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, December 26, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth
-------------------------

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Horse Auction
-------------------------

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and
rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
"Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure that they are healthy and in
good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the
UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, December 20, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Park Bench
-------------------------

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, December 19, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Retarded Grandparents
-------------------------

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
Ret

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida ...Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do is jump up and down in it...with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Goodbye, Mom
-------------------------

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped.

Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,

it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store,

the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,

he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"That can't be right... I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tearjerker. Don't trust little old ladies!

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Sherlock Holmes
-------------------------

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying awake looking up at the sky.

Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"I see thousands of stars," replied Watson.

Then Holmes asked, "And what does that mean to you?"

"Well," said Watson "I suppose it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Perfect Girl
-------------------------

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, December 14, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Pirate in a Bar
-------------------------

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg,
a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said,
"Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like
to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.
"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate,
"I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard
for stealing a man's rum."

"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off
Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." "

Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.

"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.

"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, December 13, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Kids
-------------------------

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, December 12, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Nine Words Women Use
-------------------------

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, December 11, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Irish Confessional
-------------------------

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array
of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been
to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it
used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're in my side."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
-------------------------

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun does not mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun does not take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun does not ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun does not mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman...

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Doing the Rounds
-------------------------

A young man married a beautiful woman
who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband No 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband No 2 was in Software
Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband No 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband No 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order‚ he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband No 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband No 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband No 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product‚ he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband No 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband No 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband No 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.
'But now that I've married you; I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful' , said the husband, but why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'.. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Politics
-------------------------

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father "Dad,what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son
. The best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.
"Lets say that I'm capitalism because I'm the bread winner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was awaken by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So,he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.

Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered. "What have you learned?" Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "

I learned that Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep ignoring the People, and the
Future's full of sh*t."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, December 7, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Christmas Scottish Divorce
-------------------------

A man in Scotland calls his son in Edinburgh the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; thirty years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Aberdeen and tell her "

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls home immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, December 6, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
More Tiger
-------------------------

What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing

Why did Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.

What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a caddy? Tiger can drive a golf ball.

It turns out that fixing Tiger's game and fixing his marriage both require the same thing: better control over his putz.

Why was Tiger's wife mad at him? She heard that he played a-round in Australia.

What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence? TIGER'S WIFE MAKES THE CUT

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. Cheetah.

What do Tiger and the Beatles have in common? They both experienced a hit with Norwegian Wood.

What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, December 4, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rubbing It...
-------------------------

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.

The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, December 3, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tiger Woods
-------------------------

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf
club is his wife.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can
drive a ball 400 yards.

Ping just offered Tiger Woods' wife an endorsement contract
pushing her own set of drivers. They'll be named Elin Woods "the
clubs you can beat Tiger with."

News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about
Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it "Crouching Tiger, Hidden
Hydrant."

Tiger is now in trouble with his sponsor Gillette because he
said that "this was the closest shave I have had yet."

Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the
second hole.

It's not often that Tiger Woods starts out with a bad drive,
hits a water hazard, and ends up in the trees.

It's the first time Tiger's driven less then 250 yards.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the
morning? They went clubbing.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. Apparently
he couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Neil Armstrong Secret Revealed...
-------------------------

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar
Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On
The Moon.

His First Words After Stepping On The Moon,
'that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind,'
Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.

But Just Before He Re-entered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic
Remark 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky.'

Many People At Nasa Thought It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In
Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.

Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The 'good Luck, Mr. Gorsky'... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.

On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While
Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought
Up The 26 Year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He
Finally Responded. Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong
Felt He Could Now Answer The Question.

In 1938, When Neil Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was
Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard. His Friend
Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By Their
Bedroom Window.

His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.

As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard
Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky. 'sex, You Want Sex Now??!!'

You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!'

True Story

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st December, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st December, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Florist Mistake
-------------------------

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became
dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing
for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's all right." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how
these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card
to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

"Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, November 30, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Older Guys Aren't so Dumb
-------------------------

An older, white haired man walked into a Jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend....."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, November 29, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dumb Kid
-------------------------

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, November 28, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My New Parrot
-------------------------

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,

I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and
I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, November 26, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why did the Chicken Crossed the Road?
-------------------------

TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking it's physical distribution strategy and implementation process. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use it's skills, methodologies
, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of it's overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve theimplicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution
paradigm.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we werequite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES (Monty Python style): And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, ...and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road for you to believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was the chicken doing wandering around all over the place anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2010 (with integrated Internet Seed Explorer), which will not only cross roads, butwill lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who is crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road...it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Complaining Wife
-------------------------

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home.

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.

Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, November 23, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Bear
-------------------------

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Economy is so Bad...
-------------------------

... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind
the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

... That CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

... If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.

... McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

... Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.

... A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into
Mexico .

.. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

... The Mafia is laying off judges.

... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people
who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, November 20, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cutting Wood
-------------------------

Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon.

The surgeon
said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub."
Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. "Wow" thought Sam, "that surgeon does excellent work"

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field."
Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. "Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing"

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died."

Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very tough."

The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Damn Parking Enforcement.
-------------------------

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.

So I went up to him and said,

"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!

So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.

My car was parked around the corner...

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Yearly Exam
-------------------------

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks.
'135,' I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 feet 4",' I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Spoon
-------------------------

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation
. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed.

"Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin,
black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Priests
-------------------------

Three priests passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Sanctuary. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a Sanctuary. Every time they passed in front of that building, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, "whitey, whitey, tighty."

One of the priests noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. He mentioned his discovery to the other two priests, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "blacky, blacky, tighty."

Hearing that, the three priests were astonished! One of the priests spoke up, "Gentlemen, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

Saying that, He recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their garments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.
They looked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on the branch he was perched on. Then, after a while, the Parrot said, "Straight, Straight, Gay!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, November 15, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Pilots
-------------------------

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

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