Monday, December 31, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sign
-------------------------

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"






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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Frying Eggs
-------------------------

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"





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Saturday, December 29, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Alabama Preacher and the KKK
-------------------------

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!




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Friday, December 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Inside Info
-------------------------

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad
news?"

"The guy was your doctor."






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Thursday, December 27, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dear Abby
-------------------------

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
It's the usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently - although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Worried Sick in Indiana





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Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Just because I am Blonde
-------------------------



Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.




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Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Small Town
-------------------------

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?" he asked.

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."




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Sunday, December 23, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Minister takes a Airplane Flight
-------------------------

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."




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Saturday, December 22, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Snow or Rain?
-------------------------

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said
to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. We, as these things go, they were
about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or
snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards
them.

"Let's not fight about it," the husband said, "let's ask Comrade
Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official
approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official
raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."





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Friday, December 21, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Prize Bull
-------------------------

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow."





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Thursday, December 20, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Salt
-------------------------

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to
the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies,
etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a
glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you
son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"But a man is sitting on the well!"





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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Advice from Maxine
-------------------------

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.




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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Herpes
-------------------------

A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire
the animal.

"What's your dog's name?" she asked.

"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.

"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"

"Because he won't heel."






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Monday, December 17, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Laws of the Natural Universe
-------------------------

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.






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Sunday, December 16, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
George Carlin's Philosophy Class
-------------------------

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?





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Saturday, December 15, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tax Form Humor
-------------------------

MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) - The city's tax superintendent has been suspended without pay for a week for trying to inject some humor in the city income tax filing instructions.

The forms - with such lines as, "If we can tax it, we will," - were sent last week to all Middletown businesses and residents who pay city income tax.

The attempt at humor by Linda Stubbs was called "misguided" by city Finance Director John Lyons.

Lyons said revised forms were sent out immediately at a cost to taxpayers of about $5,500.

Among the lines that city officials didn't think were very funny was this one:

"Free advice: if you don't have a profit in a five-year period, you might want to consider another line of work."

Middletown is about 25 miles northeast of Cincinnati.






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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Million Dollars
-------------------------

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"

GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."

The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"

GOD said, "In a minute."





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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
7 Kinds of Sex
-------------------------

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!






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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pleasing Everybody
-------------------------

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey.
They were going to town and it was decided that
the boy should ride. As they went along they
passed some people who thought that it was a
shame for the boy to ride and the old man to
walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe
the critics were right, so they changed positions.


Later, they passed some more people who thought
that it was a real shame for that man to make
such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe
they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought
that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey
to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the
critics were right so, they decided that they
both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that
it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little
animal. The old man and the boy decided that
maybe the critics were right, so they decided
to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip
on the animal and he fell into the river and
drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please
everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.







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Monday, December 10, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Who to Marry
-------------------------

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is.......

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10




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Sunday, December 9, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Scenario
-------------------------

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.



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Saturday, December 8, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Axioms
-------------------------

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!

How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!




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Friday, December 7, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Park Bench
-------------------------

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."




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Thursday, December 6, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Goldfish Passing
-------------------------

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."

The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."








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Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Ant Hill
-------------------------

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Does It Hurt?
-------------------------

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will
childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy
to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"




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Monday, December 3, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Terrible News
-------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "



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Sunday, December 2, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd December, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd December, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sparrow
-------------------------

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.



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Friday, November 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Anniversaries
-------------------------

Who said men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee,

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."





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Thursday, November 29, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Alabama Quarter
-------------------------

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you
have them; they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all
of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program
featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were
recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford
said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous
reports that the new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other
coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various
states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success
among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama
quarter, which was created by an Auburn University
graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape
holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming
the coin-operated devices."




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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cops with a Sense of Humor
-------------------------

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."





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Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dog in Heat
-------------------------

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."






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Monday, November 26, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Buffalo Theory
-------------------------

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!




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Saturday, November 24, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Notice to All EMS Personnel
-------------------------

From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following.

a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative
vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling
the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives
and log entries.






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Friday, November 23, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Whole Truth
-------------------------

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes
it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as
he is greeted by his mother. He says, "I know the
whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't
tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to
your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he
sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him
by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,
"Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"





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Thursday, November 22, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Cop
-------------------------

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."




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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why Men Wear Earrings
-------------------------

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."




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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Shredder
-------------------------

A young executive is working late one evening. As he
comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big
Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece
of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?"
the older man asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine,
takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in.

"Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy."




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Monday, November 19, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Christ in the Bathroom
-------------------------

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that
the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he
asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's
in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"






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Sunday, November 18, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Desperate Parents
-------------------------

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!"





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Saturday, November 17, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grandma's Revenge
-------------------------

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and
headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."






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Friday, November 16, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Female Hormones
-------------------------

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.





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Thursday, November 15, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deep Thoughts
-------------------------

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?




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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lethal Product
-------------------------

A dietician was once addressing a large
audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs
is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the germs in our
drinking water. But there is one thing
that is the most dangerous of all and we
all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what
lethal product I'm referring to?, You,
sir, in the first row, please give us
your idea."

The man in the front row lowered his head
and said, "Wedding cake."






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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Blonde Murder Victim
-------------------------

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.




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Monday, November 12, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Post Office
-------------------------

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."




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Sunday, November 11, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Tables are Turned
-------------------------

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every
boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was
going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to
take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the
jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me
tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of
a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost
nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank
as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as
a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.





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Saturday, November 10, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A 93-Year-Old Woman
-------------------------

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.



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Friday, November 9, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bill of Rights
-------------------------

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated
exchange during a trial. The judge asked both
lawyers to approach the bench.

"Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because my
distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the
witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the
Bill of Rights."

"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart."

Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now?
Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says
you can't even tell me the first few words."

Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and
began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from
his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."






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Thursday, November 8, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bob's Annual Review:
-------------------------

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues.Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while
I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only
the odd lines.




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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Yahoo for the Indian
-------------------------

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady, the attendant said, Indians ride bareback."



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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th November, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th November, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Fly
-------------------------

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.




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