JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Signs to Hang in the Office
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I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
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Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Hearing Aid
-------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Hearing Aid
-------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Watermelons
-------------------------
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Watermelons
-------------------------
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
-------------------------
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Monday, March 28, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Class Photos
-------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's
a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; ...she's dead."
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-------------------------
Class Photos
-------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just
think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's
a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; ...she's dead."
-------------------------
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Sunday, March 27, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Lumberyard
-------------------------
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 2015. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Lumberyard
-------------------------
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 2015. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
-------------------------
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Saturday, March 26, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Credit Card
-------------------------
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help...'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Credit Card
-------------------------
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax :
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help...'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!
-------------------------
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Friday, March 25, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Little Zachary
-------------------------
Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated.
Finally, Little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an "A" in math. She asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?"
Little Zachary said, "No!"
"What was it?" she asked.
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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-------------------------
Little Zachary
-------------------------
Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated.
Finally, Little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an "A" in math. She asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?"
Little Zachary said, "No!"
"What was it?" she asked.
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
-------------------------
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Thursday, March 24, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Math
-------------------------
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY STATISTICS
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Math
-------------------------
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY STATISTICS
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, March 23, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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The Devil
-------------------------
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Devil
-------------------------
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
-------------------------
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Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
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Chiropractor
-------------------------
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Chiropractor
-------------------------
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
-------------------------
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Monday, March 21, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
New Dentist
-------------------------
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment
with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall,
which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall,
handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had
been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on,
way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly
discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired
man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have
been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked
him if he had attended northmont high school.
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald,
wrinkled faced, fat-ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch
asked, 'what did you teach?'
-------------------------
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-------------------------
New Dentist
-------------------------
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment
with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall,
which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall,
handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had
been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on,
way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly
discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired
man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have
been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked
him if he had attended northmont high school.
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'
You were in my class!', I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald,
wrinkled faced, fat-ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch
asked, 'what did you teach?'
-------------------------
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Sunday, March 20, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Tables are Turned
-------------------------
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every
boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was
going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to
take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the
jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me
tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of
a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost
nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank
as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as
a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Tables are Turned
-------------------------
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words That every
boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in Touch with my
emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a
man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just Love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was
going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to
take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I
told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new Shoes to compliment her new
clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the
jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me
tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of
a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey." She was almost
nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted
out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank
as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I
just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as
a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
-------------------------
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Friday, March 18, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Email
-------------------------
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Email
-------------------------
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
-------------------------
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Thursday, March 17, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
More Laws
-------------------------
The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
More Laws
-------------------------
The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
-------------------------
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Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Peanuts
-------------------------
A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.
As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.
As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry,
but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's O.K.," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway.
Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Peanuts
-------------------------
A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner.
As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.
As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry,
but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's O.K.," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway.
Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl.
-------------------------
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Monday, March 14, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Little League
-------------------------
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young
players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together
as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at
first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you
understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your
mother."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Little League
-------------------------
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young
players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together
as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at
first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you
understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your
mother."
-------------------------
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Sunday, March 13, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
How is Your Connection with God?
-------------------------
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything
seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How
is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond,
he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the
bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he
turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about
your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he
needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it
off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''
-------------------------
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-------------------------
How is Your Connection with God?
-------------------------
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything
seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How
is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond,
he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the
bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he
turns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.
He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about
your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he
needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it
off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''
-------------------------
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Saturday, March 12, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
A Texan in Ireland
-------------------------
A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?
The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
A Texan in Ireland
-------------------------
A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?
The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.
-------------------------
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Friday, March 11, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
How Many Dogs?
-------------------------
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I don't miss any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
How Many Dogs?
-------------------------
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we have our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I don't miss any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one takes advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
-------------------------
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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Favorite Mule
-------------------------
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Favorite Mule
-------------------------
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
-------------------------
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Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
-------------------------
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
-------------------------
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
-------------------------
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Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Two Engineers
-------------------------
Two engineering students meet on campus one day.
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike!
Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the
other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on
this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes,
and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't
have fit you anyway."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Two Engineers
-------------------------
Two engineering students meet on campus one day.
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike!
Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the
other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on
this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes,
and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't
have fit you anyway."
-------------------------
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Monday, March 7, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Late Night
-------------------------
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Late Night
-------------------------
After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
-------------------------
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Sunday, March 6, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Kids Writing about the Sea
-------------------------
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island
If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breathes through an assh*le on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.
(William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Kids Writing about the Sea
-------------------------
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island
If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breathes through an assh*le on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.
(William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
-------------------------
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Saturday, March 5, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
How Do You Unlock A Door?
-------------------------
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else........ I lick the lock."
-------------------------
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-------------------------
How Do You Unlock A Door?
-------------------------
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else........ I lick the lock."
-------------------------
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Friday, March 4, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Socrates
-------------------------
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to
him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The
first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about
him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a
third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me
about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair
with his wife.
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Socrates
-------------------------
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to
him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The
first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about
him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a
third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me
about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair
with his wife.
-------------------------
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Thursday, March 3, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
The Lion
-------------------------
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest
of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the
mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest
animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is
mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,
slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling
like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn
tortilla and rambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers
after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't
have to get so upset about it!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
The Lion
-------------------------
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He went out and cornered a small monkey, and roared, "Who is mightiest
of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the
mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest
animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is
mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,
slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling
like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.
The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn
tortilla and rambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers
after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't
have to get so upset about it!"
-------------------------
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Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Cannibals in the Workplace
-------------------------
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity.
You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the shipping clerk ?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool --- for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But Noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Cannibals in the Workplace
-------------------------
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals in the interest of cultural diversity.
You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our shipping clerks has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the shipping clerk ?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool --- for 4 weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But Noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"
-------------------------
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Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st March, 2016
JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st March, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com
-------------------------
Wise Sayings
-------------------------
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me
neither."
* Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on
Saturday .night."
* Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase
sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is
the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog
vacation at the taxidermist."
* Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other
eight are unimportant."
* George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
* Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what
she's reading."
* Steve Jobs
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so
I said "Thyroid problem?'"
*Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for
black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black
pimps."
* Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson
He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush
"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of
it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that women are
too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
* Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that
many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men
think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody
naked.'"
* Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free
peanuts
*Jeff Foxworthy
-------------------------
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-------------------------
Wise Sayings
-------------------------
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me
neither."
* Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on
Saturday .night."
* Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase
sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is
the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog
vacation at the taxidermist."
* Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other
eight are unimportant."
* George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
* Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what
she's reading."
* Steve Jobs
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so
I said "Thyroid problem?'"
*Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for
black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black
pimps."
* Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a
son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson
He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush
"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of
it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that women are
too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
* Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that
many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men
think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody
naked.'"
* Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free
peanuts
*Jeff Foxworthy
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