Funny Jokes Corner: June 2009

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Olympic Condoms
-------------------------

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

Olympic condoms?, she asks, What makes them so special?

There are three colors, he replies, Gold, Silver
and Bronze.

What color are you going to wear tonight? she asks cheekily.

Gold of course, says the man proudly.

The wife responds, Really, why dont you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change

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Gem Depot
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-------------------------

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Monday, June 29, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Marriage Problems
-------------------------

A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together.
After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asks the husband, "What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband says, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife says, "Seven weeks.".

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Bank Loan
-------------------------

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, June 27, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Grandfathers/Grandmothers
-------------------------

A friend who worked away from home all week always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. . .just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh, yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single a*shole, dumb ba*tard or lousy sh*thead anywhere we went today!'

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, June 26, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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High Monkey
-------------------------

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude.......how much water did you drink?!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Feel Like a Woman
-------------------------

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Clever Defendant
-------------------------

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said the defendant.

"What?! You did?"

"Yes, That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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I am Just Fine
-------------------------

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, June 22, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Hair Color
-------------------------

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.
The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.
The old man just stared at him.

Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have,
I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Cave Drawings
-------------------------

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least Three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge Meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a Woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left...... It says: 'Holy Mackerel Dig the Ass on that Chick.' "

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Saturday, June 20, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Watch The Lawyer
-------------------------

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw an elderly priest
at the side of the road. He stopped to give him a ride.

Further down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer along the side of the road,
and turned the truck on a direct course to hit him.

Then he thought, "Wait, I have a priest in the truck. I can't run down that lawyer."
So at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss him.

Although he thought he hadn't hit the lawyer, the truck driver still heard a thump outside of the truck..

He looked in his mirror and saw the lawyer laying unconscious on the side of the road.
Ashamed for what he had done, the truck driver turned to the priest and said "I'm so sorry Father,
I really tried to miss that lawyer."

The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Oliver Twist
-------------------------

Dave and his new wife had just returned from his honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment.

Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my Mother!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Wife's Panties
-------------------------

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."

"I know the feeling," the other says.

"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Married Bliss
-------------------------

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April',he hollered into the bathroom,'Why did you putTalcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, June 15, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Customer Complaints
-------------------------

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No, I work for a condom company. These are Customer Complaints."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Sunday, June 14, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Erotic Proposition
-------------------------

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Friday, June 12, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
That's How the Fight Started
-------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed,
made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the
garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour. The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back
into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight
started...

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Something Missing
-------------------------

When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are only 32 of us here without Peters.'

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
to give you the best quality for the lowest possible price.
http://www.gemdepot.com

-------------------------

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Monday, June 8, 2009

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th June, 2009

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th June, 2009 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The System
-------------------------

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your ..."

Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"

Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on... 698-45-54610..."

Operator: "OK... you're... Mr Steven Huckleberry and you're calling from 17 Retief Str. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 082 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator: "We are connected to the system Sir."

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir."

Customer: "How come?"

Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir."

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza.You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir."

Customer: "OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?

Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $149.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives."

Operator: "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today."

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your Green Double Cab ..."

Customer: "What?"

Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Nissan Double Cab... registration number NRB 1123..."

Customer: "What the..."

Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman..."

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic..."

Customer: "Please cancel the order, my wife will have to cook..."

Gem Depot
we import the finest natural gemstones direct from the producers
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-------------------------

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