Thursday, October 31, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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A Dog's Life
-------------------------

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill

In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely
certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets.
- Nora Ephron

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
- Ann Landers

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it.
- Unknown

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does.
- Christopher Morley

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andrew A. Rooney

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life,
his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat
of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton

I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt,
and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck





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Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Rabbi and the IRS
-------------------------

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.? So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."

"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."








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Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Damned Old Age!
-------------------------

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically in good condition for their age, but if they are having trouble remembering they might want to start writing things down to help them.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" his wife asks.

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks, recalling the doctor's suggestion.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. Just don't start with that! Leave me alone!! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles on into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"




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Monday, October 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Late Again?
-------------------------

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It's not my fault, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this on my Dad. The
reason I'm three hours late is because my Dad sleeps naked."

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years.
She asked little Sammy what he meant, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy
and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we have a coyote. The
past few nights it ate hens and killed Mom's best milk goat.
Last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen,
he grabbed his gun and said to Mom,
"That coyote's back and I'm going to get him!"

"Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

He crawled right up and stuck that double barrel through
the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness
with the coyote on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke,
woke up and snuck up behind Daddy.

Then we all looked on helpless as old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Dad's crack!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleaning chickens since three this morning!"




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Sunday, October 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Fisherman
-------------------------

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish
at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always
leave with a stringer full of fish.

The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.
The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The
warden then started watching this man and all that the
farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in
the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full
of fish.


The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached
the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked
the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated
for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.


The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden
said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest--I am a
game warden and you are fishing illegally!"


The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it
to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk
or fish?"






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Saturday, October 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever
-------------------------

13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."




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Thursday, October 24, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
One Drink
-------------------------

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the
attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My
husband limits me to one drink."

"Why is that," the host asked?

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two
drinks ...anyone can!"




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Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Mischievous Boys
-------------------------

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"









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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Walking Through Chinatown
-------------------------

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry.
Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's
Laundry?

The old man answers, Is name of owner.

The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?

Me...is right here,replies the old man.

You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

Is simple, says the old man.Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name?

I say... Sem Ting.




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Monday, October 21, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Car Trouble
-------------------------

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"





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Sunday, October 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Chinese Business Trip
-------------------------

A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts
for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would
happened if this does not work?'

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads,
'GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it
would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange
for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign
assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the
right to the left.'




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Saturday, October 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The New Hen
-------------------------

Harry did like he always did every evening. He kissed his wife, crawled into bed and went to sleep. All of a sudden, he woke up and saw an elderly man dressed in a robe standing in front of his bed.

"What are you doing in my bedroom? Who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You'll have to choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring and that a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought.

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself on a chicken farm and nicely feathered. But now "he" felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster!

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel being a hen?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but I feel like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can" said the rooster.

Harry clucked twice, and pushed with all his might and then 'Plop' and a egg was on the ground.

"Wow," Harry said "that feels much better!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And sure enough there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout, "Harry! Wake up. You're pooping all over the bed!"




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Friday, October 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Smart Alex
-------------------------

Alex was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license
and registration?" Alex said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So Alex replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his drivers license
and registration.

Alex said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

Alex laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. Alex agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

Alex looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."




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Thursday, October 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Cat and Dog Fire Truck
-------------------------

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."




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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Good News/Bad News
-------------------------

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb, it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."




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Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Italian Bread
-------------------------

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?"

He replied, "Holy crap ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!"




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Monday, October 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
"Old" is when...
-------------------------


...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!





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Sunday, October 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Elderly Couple
-------------------------

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled
down in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old
school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared &
where he had carved "I love you, Sally".


On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know
what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its
fifty-thousand dollars.


The husband says: "We've got to give it back".


She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it
up in their attic.


The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the
neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.


One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find
any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"


She says: "No"..


The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."


She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."


But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.


One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."


The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school
yesterday ..."

At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here
.."





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Saturday, October 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Romantic Dinner
-------------------------

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."




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Friday, October 11, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ostrich
-------------------------

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the
ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be
$12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."

"That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with long legs who agrees with everything I say."





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Thursday, October 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Terrible News
-------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "



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Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Parenting
-------------------------

A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter?s room when she finds a bondage
magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do.

After flicking through the magazine her husband says, 'To be honest I'm not
sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help.'






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Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Doctors Lecture
-------------------------

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."






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Monday, October 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
College Professor
-------------------------

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."




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Sunday, October 6, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Notice to All EMS Personnel
-------------------------

From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following.

a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative
vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling
the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives
and log entries.





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Saturday, October 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Fetch
-------------------------

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. "You
need to make sure this dog runs around," the doctor said.

"Try playing a game of fetch with him."

"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.

"Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."




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Friday, October 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Girlfriends
-------------------------

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.






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Thursday, October 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Signs to Hang in the Office
-------------------------

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.



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Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Man
-------------------------

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."




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Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st October, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st October, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ex-Girlfriend
-------------------------


I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We
lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I
said, just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few
inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying
she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.





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