Friday, January 31, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Speeder
-------------------------

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine
to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if
he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the
roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to
see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side
mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in
through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call
in."


The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very
important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?"
asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This
guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his
chauffeur."







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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Credit Cards
-------------------------

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,
"Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"





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Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:
-------------------------

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.



Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies -- Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.




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Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
1955
-------------------------

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,"You think so? It's only 2130 now."




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Monday, January 27, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Priest In Airport Customs
-------------------------

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!







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Sunday, January 26, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Waiting for the Bus
-------------------------

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capital building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capital building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capital building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now... The 45th bus just went by!"



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Saturday, January 25, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Brokeback Deputies
-------------------------

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To
save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with
Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make
one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl! shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,

"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and
kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."




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Friday, January 24, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Actual Lines from Resumes
-------------------------

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

I am sicking and entry-level position.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis



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Thursday, January 23, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Birthday Party
-------------------------

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the
bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will
help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear
of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a
wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the
clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would
probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the
children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the
bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from
tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the
party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50,
WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"







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Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Social Security Sex
-------------------------

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"





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Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Barbara Shop
-------------------------

The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.



I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.



I'm old, tired, and need to pee too often.





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Monday, January 20, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Strangers
-------------------------

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the
Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.
"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who
looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes?
Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."




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Sunday, January 19, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Plaque
-------------------------

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."


"Good morning, Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"






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Friday, January 17, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Brewster
-------------------------

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to
fertilize the eggs. Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't
perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of
tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen
he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's
bell hadn't rung at all!

Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover.

BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one.

Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county
fair... and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...

The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but
they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.






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Thursday, January 16, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Drops
-------------------------

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said,
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."


The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like
to buy you a drink, too."

The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of
you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of
water."

"Coming up," said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."




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Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Married for 50 Years
-------------------------

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said
to his wife, "Just think, honey,we`ve been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know,honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn`t be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One`s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!








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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Notice to All EMS Personnel
-------------------------

From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS
narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective
immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations
to describe patients, such as the following.

a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH
(messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA
(had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use
CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go
boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly,
descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative
vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not
considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal
intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws
up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling
the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our
patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives
and log entries.






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Monday, January 13, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ice Cream Parlor
-------------------------

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream
parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids"




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Sunday, January 12, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Honest Lawyer
-------------------------

An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment advisor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."




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Saturday, January 11, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Happy Mailman
-------------------------

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."




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Friday, January 10, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Out of Gas
-------------------------

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity
Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a
block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and
quickly walked there.

At the station, she asked the attendent to give her a quart of gasoline
so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The
attendent told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it
to someone else.


She told the attendent that she was in a hurry and would look in her
car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the
only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could
easily hold a quart of gas.


She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendent filled it with
gas. The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the
bedpan into her car.


Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to
the other "If that car starts, I'm converting to catholicism forever!"






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Thursday, January 9, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Confucius Says:
-------------------------

Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not
determine who is right, war determines who is
left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.




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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good News/Bad News
-------------------------

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb, it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."




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Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
To be 6 Again
-------------------------

man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what
she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. On
the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He
put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours
later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear,
what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dress
size, you dumb ass!"




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Monday, January 6, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sick Duck
-------------------------

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the
duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their
upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it
difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.


"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even
with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because
the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if
you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water
it'll drown."


The man goes about his business and about a week later the
Doctor runs into his patient.


"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.


"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.


"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took
a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the
Doctor.


"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took
him out of the vise."





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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
-------------------------
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Sunday, January 5, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Screw
-------------------------

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"




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Saturday, January 4, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Paintings
-------------------------

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"

With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."




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Friday, January 3, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New York Girl
-------------------------

A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side by
side on an airplane.

The girl from New York, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where ya from.... bitch?"



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Thursday, January 2, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cats
-------------------------

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.



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Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st January, 2014

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st January, 2014 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Damn Parking Enforcement
-------------------------

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.

So I went up to him and said,

"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!

So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.

My car was parked around the corner...



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