Saturday, June 30, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rider
-------------------------

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting.

Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?

The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round ... making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.
The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.

The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.

The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.

The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.

He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "Riders"?"

The bartender simply smiled and said..."A 'Rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.





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Friday, June 29, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Sick Duck
-------------------------

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the
duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their
upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it
difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.


"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even
with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because
the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if
you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water
it'll drown."


The man goes about his business and about a week later the
Doctor runs into his patient.


"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.


"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.


"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took
a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the
Doctor.


"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took
him out of the vise."





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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Broken Scrotum
-------------------------

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:


"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."



The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.



"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.



A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."



Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."




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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why Men Aren't Secretaries
-------------------------

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.



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Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Zen Teachings
-------------------------

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.



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Monday, June 25, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Explosion
-------------------------

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory,
and once all the mess has been cleared up, and
inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make
a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator,
"you were near the scene, what happened?"


"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins
was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a
cigarette out of his pocket and light up."


"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator
said in stunned horror, "How long had he been
with the company?"


"About 20 years, sir"


"20 years in the company, then he goes and
strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought
it would have been the last thing he'd have done."


"It was, sir."







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Sunday, June 24, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Axioms
-------------------------

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!

You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!

How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!




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Saturday, June 23, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Sign
-------------------------

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and
bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign
back!"





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Friday, June 22, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
I Guess It Works
-------------------------

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace
a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the
young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could
become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman
complained,

"I've been a little sick to my stomach."


The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing
the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount
you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"


As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine
that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"


"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on
the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I
noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was
what was probably making her sick."


"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think
I'll try that at the next house."


Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes
talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just
didn't have the energy she once did.


"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."


"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the
church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should
cut back a bit and see if that helps."


As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost
certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?


"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my
stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed
the preacher under the bed."





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Thursday, June 21, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lost Helicopter
-------------------------

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday
when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's electronic navigation and communication
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could
not determine his position or course to steer to the
airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the
helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in
large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building
window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and
determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma)
airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the
pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped
determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the
MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless reply.




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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Custer's Last Thoughts
-------------------------

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall,
so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire
said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of
the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am
going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect
to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the
finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a
halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various
stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the
artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a
mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow look
at all those f*cking Indians!'"






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Monday, June 18, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Rio Grande
-------------------------


While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall
into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the
guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also
struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was
strapped to his back. If they didn't get any help, they'd surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress,
I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I am starting to think that I wasted two stamps.

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Sunday, June 17, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Broken Lawn Mower
-------------------------

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept
hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the
message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the
point.

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a
toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might
as well sweep the sidewalks."






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Saturday, June 16, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Long Cold Winter
-------------------------

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught he old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "We're sure it's going to be cold because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"





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Friday, June 15, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Senility
-------------------------

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."





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Thursday, June 14, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Don't Make a Nurse Angry
-------------------------

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."






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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Power of Suggestion
-------------------------

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:

"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.



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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lawyer and a Brothel
-------------------------

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."






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Monday, June 11, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
One Golf Ball
-------------------------

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that
his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need
another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot
and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it
puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose
this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up
puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose
this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun
goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost
among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it
makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend
asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."





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Sunday, June 10, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Honest
-------------------------

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."



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Saturday, June 9, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hot Dogs
-------------------------

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might
as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
...cautiously: "What part did you get?





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Friday, June 8, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two Elderly Gentlemen
-------------------------

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex
for several years, decided they needed to visit a
cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the
madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't
going to waste any of her girls on these two
old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the
dolls in each man's room and left them to their
business. After the two men were finished, they
started walking home and began to talking. The
first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead.
She never moved, talked or even groaned... how
was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch.
When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and
flew out the window!"





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Thursday, June 7, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
-------------------------

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism
it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and
'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never
developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will
be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've
seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray
hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.






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Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Bear Trap
-------------------------

A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap
clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was
examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?"

The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt
the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap
was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles.

"Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"


"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my
life."


"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"


"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.






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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Farmer John
-------------------------

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The
traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a
rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so
fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next
day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new
sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the
sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer
John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to
complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to
give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you
put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed
since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought
to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it
might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff
drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the
sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY


GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS





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Monday, June 4, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mirrors
-------------------------

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night,
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put
them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man....She explained that all these lip prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are
teachers, and then there are educators...





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Sunday, June 3, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Marriage Problems
-------------------------

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided
to end their union after a very short time together. After a
most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to
finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this
point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together,
we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."





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Saturday, June 2, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Alabama Preacher and the KKK
-------------------------

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!




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Friday, June 1, 2012

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st June, 2012

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st June, 2012 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Poison
-------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"




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