Friday, April 29, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deep Thoughts
-------------------------

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?


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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Something Missing
-------------------------

When George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops, there were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are only 32 of us here without Peters.'


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Monday, April 25, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Why I Am Now Divorced
-------------------------

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel
very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
he barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.... Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
If you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....


Naked.

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Sunday, April 24, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Your Stimulus Check
-------------------------

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will are scheduled to again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.


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Saturday, April 23, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Date
-------------------------

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the
guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".

The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at
it. After they finish, the guy says,"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you
$25 to get back to town".

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Friday, April 22, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tattoos
-------------------------

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right
thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on
the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and
examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.'

With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the
street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you
know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not
sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is
definitely Willie Nelson!'


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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Midget Down in Texas
-------------------------

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told
him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Priest In Airport Customs
-------------------------

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!


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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hospital
-------------------------

A redhead, brunette, and blonde are all in the hospital waiting to give birth.

The redhead turns to the brunette and says, " I was on top so im going to have a girl"

The brunette looks at the redhead and says " Well i was on the bottom so i'm going to have a boy".

All of a sudden they both hear snifflin, and turn to look at the blonde and she is crying and bawling her eyes out, and they say " Whats the matter honey?"

The blonde says with a sad face " I'm gonna have puppy's!!"

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Monday, April 18, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wrong Approach
-------------------------

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Selling Bibles
-------------------------

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles.

But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, " That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"

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Friday, April 15, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Philosophy
-------------------------

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


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Thursday, April 14, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Quite a Beauty
-------------------------

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and
didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."
she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are
you planning to marry?"


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Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Amal and Juan
-------------------------

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If
you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


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Monday, April 11, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Old Rancher
-------------------------

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon..

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again..

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said,
'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old Guys


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Sunday, April 10, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Another Drink
-------------------------

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the
attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My
husband limits me to one drink."

"Why is that," the host asked?

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two
drinks ...anyone can!"

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Saturday, April 9, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Childhood Sweethearts
-------------------------

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down
in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old
school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he
had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what
to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its
fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up
in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood
looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any
money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school
yesterday ..."

At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."


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Friday, April 8, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Potentially VS. Reality
-------------------------

Little Johnny comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks
his father for help.

"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and
reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display
it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask you sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back
and tell me what you have learned."

Little Johnny is puzzled but decides to see if he can figure out what
his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone would give you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around shyly, and then with a little smile on
her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

Little Johnny goes back to his father who asks, "Well, what did you
learn?"

Little Johnny says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. POTENTIALLY, we're sitting
on two million bucks, but in REALITY, we're living with a couple of whores."


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Thursday, April 7, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Drunk
-------------------------

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!"


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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
-------------------------
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-------------------------

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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
White Zinfandel
-------------------------

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.


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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Socrates
-------------------------

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to
him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students?"


"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to
pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."


"Three?"


"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The
first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"


"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."


"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"


"No, on the contrary..."


"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about
him even though you're not certain it's true?"


The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.


Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a
third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me
about my student going to be useful to me?"


"Well it....no, not really..."


"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"


The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a
great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair
with his wife.

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Monday, April 4, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Harley Mechanic & Heart Surgeon
-------------------------


A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic.....

"Try doing it with the engine running."


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Sunday, April 3, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Football FINALLY makes sense. . .
-------------------------

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!


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Saturday, April 2, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
New Las Vegas Slogans
-------------------------

"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is getting old, so a contest is being
held for new slogans. Here are the leading contenders:

1) Las Vegas: Better than Detroit (Actually, this works for any city.)

2) It's The Gambling, Stupid

3) You're Broke, Hung Over and Pissed. Now Go Home

4) Where Luck Goes to Die

5) More Than Thirty Million Schmucks a Year Can't Be Wrong

6) We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got


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Friday, April 1, 2011

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st April, 2011

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st April, 2011 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Baptist Dinner
-------------------------

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.


Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.


After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,

"You know that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped"

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