Saturday, December 31, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Men in Bars
-------------------------

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a
lot.

It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no
wife to go home to... or they do.






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Friday, December 30, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Deep Thoughts
-------------------------

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?





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Thursday, December 29, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:
-------------------------

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.



Daily Thought:

Some People Are Like Slinkies -- Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.




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Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dents
-------------------------

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...

"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"



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Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Quarter
-------------------------

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."







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Monday, December 26, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ever Wonder...
-------------------------

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?




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Sunday, December 25, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pun of the Day
-------------------------

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."




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Friday, December 23, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Arrogance is Equal to Stupidity
-------------------------

Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked
with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspect
your farm for a possible new road.'

The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and
said, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.
See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'

So the old farmer went about his chores.
It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.

He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for
their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart *ss.... Show him
your card!!




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Thursday, December 22, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Mother
-------------------------

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."

And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"







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Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Earthworm
-------------------------

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The
little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather
replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp
to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of
hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.
Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,
and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back
out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma




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Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Medication
-------------------------

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'




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Monday, December 19, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pious Man
-------------------------

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly
stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi
went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How
come after all these years we don't see you at services
anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to
take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about
me, and I don't want to remind Him!"





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Sunday, December 18, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Three Wishes
-------------------------

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.




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Saturday, December 17, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Unanswered Questions
-------------------------

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my DVD?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I
get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an
hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current
situation in Washington, DC.






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Friday, December 16, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
You Work for the Government if...
-------------------------

1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.

2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.

3. The process becomes more important than the product.

4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.

5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.

6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.

7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.

8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.

9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.

10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.

11. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.

12. Your name plate is attached with Velcro.

13. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

14. The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.

15. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

16. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.

18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

19. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

20. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

21. It's dark when you drive to and from work.

22. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

23. Communication is something your group is having problems with.

24. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

25. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

26. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

27. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

28. Art involves a white board.

29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

30. You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"

31. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."

33. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

34. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."

35. Change is the norm.

36. Nepotism is encouraged.

37. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.

38. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

39. You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.




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Thursday, December 15, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Laws of the Natural Universe
-------------------------

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.






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Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Baseball Cap
-------------------------

After eight days of backpacking with my wife,
we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning
she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her
shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

"Darling," she said, "does my hair make me
look like a water buffalo?"

I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you
the truth, do you promise not to charge?"






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Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Wooden Ball
-------------------------

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While
the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the
problems he has getting a close shave around
the cheeks.


"I have just the thing," says the barber taking
a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just
place this between your cheek and gum."


The client places the ball in his mouth and
the barber proceeds with the closest shave the
man has ever experienced. After a few strokes,
the client asks in garbled speech, "And what
if I swallow it?"


"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring
it back tomorrow like everyone else does."






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Monday, December 12, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cold Water
-------------------------

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's
grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However,
John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his
grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned
about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge
that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are
clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those
dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I
don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he
was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let
him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"





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Sunday, December 11, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Slide Down the Banister
-------------------------

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.




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Saturday, December 10, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Confucius Proverbs
-------------------------

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.




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Friday, December 9, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Car in a Ditch
-------------------------

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"






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Thursday, December 8, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Waiting Room
-------------------------

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment
with a new dentist. I noticed his dds diploma on the wall,
which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall,
handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had
been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on,
way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly
discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired
man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have
been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked
him if he had attended northmont high school.

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

You were in my class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald,
wrinkled faced, fat-ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch
asked, 'what did you teach?'




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Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
It's Too Big
-------------------------

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.

And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...

Don't you just love shopping for shoes?





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Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
What's Wrong Honey?
-------------------------

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat
ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some
discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"

She replies, "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses
he lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her
neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the
young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"






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Sunday, December 4, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Taxiway
-------------------------

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a U.S. Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at
the U.S. Air crew, screaming: "U.S. Air 2771, where the hell are you going?

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, U.S. Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of U.S. Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"




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Saturday, December 3, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Senior Personal Ads
-------------------------

Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in ''theVillages'' Florida newspapers:

(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)


FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and
belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.


MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.





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Friday, December 2, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
In-House Counsel
-------------------------

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."



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Thursday, December 1, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st December, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st December, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pay Raise
-------------------------

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more
it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as
He gives us.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in
her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of
it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'




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Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Murphy's Travel Laws
-------------------------

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.

If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.

The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard




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Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Entrance Exam
-------------------------

When young, I decided to go to Medical School.
At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange
the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important
human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us went to flight school..



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Monday, November 28, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Becoming A Monk
-------------------------

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a
monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke
down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A
sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly
seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't
sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making
such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When
you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and
knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken
before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the
earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a
state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can
know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and
willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall
now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the
stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so
it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become
very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the
last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that
door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly
pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to
discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.




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Sunday, November 27, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Puns, For the Educated Mind
-------------------------

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.









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Saturday, November 26, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Modern Proverbs
-------------------------

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going
to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.








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Friday, November 25, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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You Know It's Time to Diet When...
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* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.





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Thursday, November 24, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Grudges
-------------------------

My mother says she never holds grudges but then
will blindside you with something that happened
years ago.

Last week she said, "You know, you really hurt me
on your birthday."

And I was like, "Which birthday was that?"

So she replied, "The first one. You have a really
big head, you know."






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Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Glass Eye
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...

... "You just happened to catch my eye




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Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Report Card
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Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."




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Monday, November 21, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Smoking in the Rain
-------------------------

two Old Ladies Were Outside Their Nursing Home, Having A Smoke, When It
Started To Rain. One Of The Ladies Pulled Out A Condom, Cut Off The
End,Put it Over Her Cigarette, And Continued Smoking.

Lady 1: What's That?

Lady 2: A Condom. This Way My Cigarette Doesn't Get Wet.

Lady 1: Where Did You Get It?

Lady 2: You Can Get Them At Any Drugstore.

The Next Day, Lady 1 Hobbles Herself Into The Local Drugstore And Announces
To The Pharmacist That She Wants A Box Of Condoms. The Guy, Obviously
Embarrassed, Looks At Her Kind Of Strangely (She Is, After All, Over 80
Years Of Age), But Very Delicately Asks What Brand She Prefers.

"Doesn't Matter, Son, As Long As It Fits A Camel."





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Saturday, November 19, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Neil Armstrong
-------------------------

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil
Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.

His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step For
Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard By
Millions.

But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark
"good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival
Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian Or
American Space Programs.

Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "good
Luck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.

On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While Answering Questions
Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question To
Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.

Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.


In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was Playing
Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard.

His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By The
Bedroom Windows.

His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.

As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. Gorsky
Shouting At Mr. Gorsky.


"Sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The
Moon!"




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Friday, November 18, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Butt Dust?
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What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... ...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'







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Thursday, November 17, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Breaking News from Canada
-------------------------

The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the
border into Canada has intensified beginning early yesterday morning.

Trump's victory is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans

who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border residents say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists,
and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said southern Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "He was cold,
exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range
chicken.

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers
that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their
fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly
concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border,
pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where
they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an
Alberta border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single
bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All
they had was a little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education
camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the
Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara
Streisand CD's, and are overloading the internet while downloading
jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

"I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy
just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "After all, how
many art-history majors does one country need?"




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Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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King Arthur
-------------------------

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now . . . what is the moral to this story?

The moral is . . .

If you don't let a woman have her own way . . .

Things are going to get ugly!




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Monday, November 14, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Eyes of the Beholder
-------------------------

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling
worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around
and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?






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Sunday, November 13, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th November, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th November, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
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A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into
Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter
to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after
a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also
gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to
affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."







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