Sunday, March 31, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Golf Gun
-------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."




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Saturday, March 30, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Married Bliss
-------------------------

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April',he hollered into the bathroom,'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!




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Thursday, March 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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Favorite John Madden Quotes
-------------------------

"Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field."

"If this team doesn't put points on the board, I don't see how they can win."

"There're either going to run the ball here, or there're going to pass it."

"You see it, you see it, you see it....but you still cant stop it...Now THAT's frustrating"

"If your defense has dirt on their backs they're having a bad day."

"He had to get there fast, so he ran..."

"The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break."

(a lineman was having trouble with his helmet on the sidelines and couldn't get back in the game)

"Just put a bucket over his head and send him back in there."

"Brett Favre can throw the ball 300 yards underwater."

"I always used to tell my players that we are here to win! And you know what, Al? When you don't win, you lose."

"See, well ya see, the thing is, he should have caught that ball. But the ball is bigger than his hands."

"He might want to watch where he lands when tackling that guy, because he could really hurt his hand if it gets stepped on."

"Playing in this nice weather really makes me remember all the times I got stung by a bee."

"The best feeling is watching a real football game, because the games they show in the movies aren't real."

"There definitely needs to be water on the sidelines for these players, but I also had some Gatorade just in case they were allergic to the water or vice versa."

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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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The Man Code
-------------------------

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

11. Do not torpedo single friends.

12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"

14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

15. If a mans zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything!

16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.

24. Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.

26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don't let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.

29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"Come on, give me one more, harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers"
"Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That's just mean.




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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ponderisms
-------------------------

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?





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Monday, March 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Latex Factory
-------------------------

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces
various latex products. At the first stop, he is
shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the
mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is
the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory
where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a
"Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise. but every so often there
is a "Pop!" noise.

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I
understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's
that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple
machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every
tenth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple
business!"




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Sunday, March 24, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Nail Above the Stall
-------------------------

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.





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Saturday, March 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pregnant
-------------------------

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your bum?"




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Friday, March 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hollywood Squares
-------------------------

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..


Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh




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Thursday, March 21, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Late Blonde
-------------------------

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"





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Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
American Justice
-------------------------

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper County, SC
Sheriff's Office.


An elderly Sun City lady did her shopping at Wal-Mart and, upon
returning to her car, found four young men in the act of leaving with her
vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to
scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got
out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load
her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She
was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried
and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not
understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther
down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Jasper County
sheriff's office to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He
pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a
car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five
feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No
charges were filed.




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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Slide Down the Banister
-------------------------

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.




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Monday, March 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Irishman on a Desert Island
-------------------------

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over
ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer
and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then
even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde
woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it
been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it,
takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she
asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands
it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely
fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the
front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been
since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet
Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."





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Sunday, March 17, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
OU Fan
-------------------------

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet
mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop
the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, "I've
decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school".

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head
and says, "Go talk to mother".

Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his
mother.

"Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
says, "Go talk to your father!"

Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this
jersey".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says,
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.

The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something
today?"

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

To which the son replies, "I've only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I
already hate you Texas bastards."







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Saturday, March 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Getting Married
-------------------------

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."



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Friday, March 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Diploma
-------------------------

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in
the basket she would say, 'And here's something for you, Diploma.' or 'This will make a cute little outfit for you,
Diploma.' and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, 'Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?'

The grandmother replied, 'I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia and this is what she came home with!'









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Thursday, March 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Just Fred
-------------------------

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a
break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," the driver replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

"When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my
degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.





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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Definitions
-------------------------

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.

Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.

Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see.

Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.

Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.

Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official




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Monday, March 11, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Scared
-------------------------

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled. "I can't dear," she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

The little boy replied with a shaking voice, "The big sissy."




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Sunday, March 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Another Drink
-------------------------

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the
attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My
husband limits me to one drink."

"Why is that," the host asked?

Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two
drinks ...anyone can!"




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Saturday, March 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Top Ten Signs Your Co-worker is a Hacker
-------------------------

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."





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Friday, March 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Old Explorer
-------------------------

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"




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Thursday, March 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Mother
-------------------------

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?




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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Gender
-------------------------

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.
For example...

1) Ziploc Bags-
They are Male, because they hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers-
They are Female, because once turned off,
it takes a while to warm them up again.
It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire-
Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon-
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere,
you have to light a fire under it,
and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges-
Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page-
Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway-
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass-
Female, because over time,
the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer-
Male, because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control-
Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male.
But consider this-it gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.





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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
I'm Broke
-------------------------

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!






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Monday, March 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Heart Disease
-------------------------

In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is
very low and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North
America and the UK.

However, in France, the average fat intake is very high,
and yet, the heart disease ratio is lower than in North
America and the UK.

In India almost no one drinks red wine and the heart disease
ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine and the heart
disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very high and
the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy and the heart
disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Austria, adults smoke 2 packs of cigarettes per day,
on average.

Conclusion: Drink, eat, smoke and screw all you want.
It's speaking English that kills you.




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Sunday, March 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Some Things You Just Can't Explain
-------------------------

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...




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Saturday, March 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Smarter Than Her
-------------------------

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.





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Friday, March 1, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st March, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st March, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Threesome
-------------------------

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if
I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"





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