Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lights Out
-------------------------

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked
into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with
music and dancing but every once in a while the lights
would turn off. Each time after the lights would go
out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when
the revelers saw the nun, the roomwent dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked," May I
please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you
should."

"Why not? " the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and
his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "


"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other
way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of
the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a
few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place
was hopping with music and dancing again. However,
they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud
round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't
understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I
went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the
bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.


"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig
leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the
whole place. Now, how about that drink, Sister





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Sunday, January 29, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
-------------------------

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.




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Saturday, January 28, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Don't Make a Nurse Angry
-------------------------

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."






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Friday, January 27, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Toughest Time of my Life
-------------------------

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis
was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis...

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.




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Thursday, January 26, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Potty
-------------------------

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.



His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right?you've Been In Here For A While...



Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."



Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes.but, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"


Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."




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Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Grandma
-------------------------

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.




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Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Murphy's Law in Sex
-------------------------

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.


>/p>

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Monday, January 23, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Two New Laws
-------------------------

In my mature years, I'm finally beginning to understand the Bible!
For those who haven't heard, the State of Washington just passed two
laws:

* Same-sex Marriage
* Legalized Marijuana

The fact that same-sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the
same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:

"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

I just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.





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Sunday, January 22, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lemon Drop
-------------------------

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied "I work for the IRS."




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Saturday, January 21, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Bear Remover
-------------------------

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."




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Friday, January 20, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Love Handles
-------------------------

One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate
trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on
shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold
a genie popped out.

"Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me,
I will grant you one wish."

"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while,
and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love
handles."

"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of
smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.






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Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Farmer John
-------------------------

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The
traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a
rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so
fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next
day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new
sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the
sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer
John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to
complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to
give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you
put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed
since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought
to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it
might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff
drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the
sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY


GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS






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Sunday, January 15, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Advice from Men to Women
-------------------------

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't
mean we're not watching it.

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want
one.

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that
you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories
are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for
the punchline.

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave.
He's just not crying. Big difference!

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine. It
does not mean that is your chance to complain about the taste of the
water and the salsa.

What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much
appreciated if you did not answer honestly.

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp,
saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be
slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an
excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk
to your sister.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz
together!





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Saturday, January 14, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Trip to Texas
-------------------------

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker)
confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how
she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called
a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over
that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is
unbelievable!

"And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about
athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They
ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the
horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them
to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the
condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"




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Friday, January 13, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Backpacking
-------------------------

After eight days of backpacking with my wife,
we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning
she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her
shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

"Darling," she said, "does my hair make me
look like a water buffalo?"

I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you
the truth, do you promise not to charge?"






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Thursday, January 12, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Country Politics
-------------------------

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."





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Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
TV remote
-------------------------


'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'



</p
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Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Facebook
-------------------------

I am trying to make friends outside of
Facebook while applying the same principles.

therefore, every day I walk down the
street and tell passers-by what I have eaten,
how I feel at the moment, what I have done
the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of
me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering
the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around
town, having lunch and doing what anybody and
everybody does everyday.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up"
and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook! I already have four
people following me:

Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.




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Monday, January 9, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cats
-------------------------

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.



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Sunday, January 8, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

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A Loan
-------------------------

Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts
sinking.

Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim
so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his
lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul
toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you
suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"






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Thursday, January 5, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Magician and the Parrot
-------------------------

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the
magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and
over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw
the shows every week and began to understand what the
magician did in every trick. Once he understood that,
he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it
was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the
ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They
stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

This went on for several days. After a week the parrot
finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"





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Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Vodka vs. Whiskey
-------------------------

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up
on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the
following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch
hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're
drunk than to think you're stupid.







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Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Getting Married
-------------------------

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and
didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."
she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are
you planning to marry?"







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Monday, January 2, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Texas Cowboy
-------------------------

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."





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Sunday, January 1, 2017

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 1st January, 2017

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 1st January, 2017 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tractor
-------------------------

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously
upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna
have to close my shop."

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.

"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking
her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went
and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from
underneath me!

But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.
Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."

"And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.




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