Sunday, January 31, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 31st January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 31st January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
George Carlin's Philosophy Class
-------------------------

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?





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Saturday, January 30, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 30th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 30th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hot Dog
-------------------------

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might
as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers.She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
...cautiously: "What part did you get?





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Friday, January 29, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Dog named Sex
-------------------------



Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like.

I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."


When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.

I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.

I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.


When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.

When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.

I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"


One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.

Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.

He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."

He called me a show off.


When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Same here!"


Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.


Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."





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Thursday, January 28, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Story
-------------------------

What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.
At 78 - You can get out of bed, that's another story.




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Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 27th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 27th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Mid-Life
-------------------------

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you
are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you
naked.

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still
half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be
long before your teeth are floating in it.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have
wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we
are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a
mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and
that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in
a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman
Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your
chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering
the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how
much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no
longer a healthy choice?






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Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Tail
-------------------------

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly
a kite with his son. However, every time the
kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing
back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks
her head out of the front door and yells, "You
need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son,
I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday,
I told her I needed more tail, and she told me
to go fly a kite!"







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Monday, January 25, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Dr. Phil
-------------------------

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of
Godiva Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.



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Sunday, January 24, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Fishing Trip
-------------------------

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"


The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box!




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Saturday, January 23, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
First Day of School
-------------------------

It was this little girl's first day of school
and the teacher asked her what her name was and
she replied, "Happy Butt."

The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need
to go to the principal's office and get this
straightened out." So she went to the principal's
office and he asked, "What's your name?"

The little girl said, "Happy Butt."

The principal called the girl's mother to get
this straightened out once and for all. After
getting off the phone he looked at the little
girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys,
not Happy Butt."

The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt"
what's the difference?






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Friday, January 22, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Perfect Sermon
-------------------------

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think
of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his
wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a
sermon about horseback riding!"

She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback
riding!"

He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on
just about every other subject I can think of."
The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't
believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're going
to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in
the car during the service."

He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car.
Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden
inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just had the
congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some
of he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window.
One of them said, "Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband
has EVER given!"

She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but
he's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once
after, and he fell off both times!"





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Thursday, January 21, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Business Trip
-------------------------

A man was traveling north to Dallas. He needed to use the bathroom and so at a rest stop he goes into a stall. He sits down and was surprised to hear someone in the next stall say, "So how ya doing?"

The man gulps and thinks about what he should say and then decides to answer. So he clears his throat and says, "uh....I'm fine."

Then the stranger in the next stall says, "So where are you headed?"

Again the man, a little nervous answers, "Uh...I'm headin north to Dallas."

Then the stranger asked, "So what have you been up to?"

Again the man answers, "Not much, I'm actually on a business trip."

The man sat there waiting for another question when finally he heard the stranger in the next stall impatiently say, "Look, I'm going to have to call you back, some idiot in the next stall thinks I'm talking to him."





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Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Hotel Room
-------------------------

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I
don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,
then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."





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Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
King Arthur
-------------------------

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day...or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.





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Monday, January 18, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Traffic Court
-------------------------

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."

He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."




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Sunday, January 17, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 17th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 17th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
A Woman Knows
-------------------------

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's
office. After his checkup, the doctor called
the wife into his office alone. He said, "If
you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die:


1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.


2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good
mood.


3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.


4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice
meal.


5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably
had a hard day.


6. Don't discuss your problems with him.


On the way home, the husband asked his wife
what the doctor said to her. "You're going to
die," she replied.





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Saturday, January 16, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Diet
-------------------------

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was
going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from skipping."





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Friday, January 15, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Church Gossip
-------------------------

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.


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Thursday, January 14, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Simple Home Remedies
-------------------------

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.




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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Ole Blue
-------------------------

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way
through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his
parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,
they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole
Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in
that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him
into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls
his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe
this they've had such good results with this program that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program? "

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will
find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all
excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read
something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back
in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he
turned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with that
little redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks
to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"





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Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Being 6 Again
-------------------------

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up
bright and early and off they went to a local
theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride
in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!



Five hours later she staggered out of the theme
park, her head reeling and her stomach upside
down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where
her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then
it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic,
a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous
adventure!


Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly
asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six
again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my
dress size."


The moral of this story: Even when the man
is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.







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Monday, January 11, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pest Control
-------------------------

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."




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Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Pest Control
-------------------------

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."




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Sunday, January 10, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Top 10 Signs Your Company is Going Under
-------------------------

1. They start paying everyone in sea shells.

2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.

3. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.

4. The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!"

5. The initials of your company are "G.M."

6. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.

7. Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself.

8. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.

9. You get a lot of memos in Japanese.

10. Your boss asks you not to cash your check until next week.





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Saturday, January 9, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Nursing Home
-------------------------

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,
hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her,
fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.
The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."




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Friday, January 8, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hair Dryer
-------------------------

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the
customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you
could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!







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Thursday, January 7, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Some of Life's Reflections
-------------------------

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your
groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no
pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze
pilots wore helmets.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have
been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad
at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his
head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an
idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we
have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go
out, I lock every second one. I figure no matter how
long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are
always locking three of them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from
some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best
friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all
over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest
problem.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and
they tell you it's because they're such beautiful
animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have
photographs of her on the wall.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my
suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was
murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there
were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.




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Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 6th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 6th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Old Monk
-------------------------

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in
copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy,
it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds
of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was..

CELEBRATE"





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Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cough
-------------------------

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a
wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his
cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of
laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"





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Monday, January 4, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Screw
-------------------------

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the
front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he
says.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to
the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and
screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he
asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for
the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out
the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house,
slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DARN
IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"






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Sunday, January 3, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Think About It
-------------------------

I had amnesia once - or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a nail.

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?






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Saturday, January 2, 2016

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd January, 2016

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd January, 2016 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Love Line
-------------------------

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said
the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can
read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his
open palm and said, "I can see that you have no
girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."





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