Monday, July 29, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 29th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 29th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hospital Regulations
-------------------------

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I
found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."




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Sunday, July 28, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 28th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 28th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
One Golf Ball
-------------------------

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that
his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need
another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot
and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it
puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose
this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up
puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose
this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun
goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost
among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it
makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend
asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."






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Friday, July 26, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 26th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 26th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Cold Cream
-------------------------

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"



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Thursday, July 25, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 25th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 25th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Not What It Seems
-------------------------

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring
the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young
couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said
to himself: "Ah,young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers...
C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old
day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is
dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell
Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted:
"Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's
field making love."

The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so
old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers?
Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK."

"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the
station, jumped on his push-bike, pedalled down to the field,
confirmed Henri's story, and pedalled all the way back (non-stop) to
call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is
Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex."

To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must
remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very
natural.

"Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not
understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black
medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other
tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's
field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to
Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mes
amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"






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Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 24th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 24th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Road Stripers
-------------------------

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road
stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever
painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead
had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had
painted 10 miles . The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the
job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted 5 miles and the brunette 5.6
miles and the blonde painted only 4 miles. The boss told her not to worry, you still have a good
lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5
miles and the blonde only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the
blonde, "What went wrong?, you were doing so well" .

She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."




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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 23rd July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 23rd July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Devil in Church
-------------------------

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of
Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the
service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and
talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you
afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."





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Monday, July 22, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 22nd July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 22nd July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Visit to the Doctor
-------------------------

An elderly married couple scheduled their medical examination on
the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor
might have concerning their partner.

After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man,
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern
that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man.
"After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot
and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time,
I'm usually cold and chilly."

The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report
back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns
that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she
had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first
time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do
you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old nut", she replied. "That's because the first
time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"






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Sunday, July 21, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 21st July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 21st July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
My Best Friend
-------------------------

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots
of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for
over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's
going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man
replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles,
and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"




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Saturday, July 20, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 20th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 20th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lucky Frog
-------------------------

A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas ."

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.

"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."






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Friday, July 19, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 19th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 19th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
The Silent Treatment
-------------------------

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."




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Thursday, July 18, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 18th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 18th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Top 16 Country Songs
-------------------------

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14 If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer



And the Number one Country Western song is. . . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few




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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 16th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 16th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Advice
-------------------------

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest...

"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"




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Monday, July 15, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 15th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 15th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Relaxed
-------------------------

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a
prescription for the Pill."

"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."

"It relaxes me."

"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for
relaxing," exclaimed the physician.

"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every
morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel
more relaxed.




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Sunday, July 14, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 14th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 14th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Hunting Flies
-------------------------

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."




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Saturday, July 13, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 13th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 13th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
High Octane Blonde
-------------------------

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three
flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What
does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices
crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."





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Friday, July 12, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 12th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 12th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Special Delivery
-------------------------

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"

"Breakfast was my idea."



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Thursday, July 11, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 11th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 11th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
-------------------------

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!"

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that there is no mistake my son...

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108 years old!"





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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 10th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 10th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Doctor's Stories
-------------------------

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
-Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I
instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your
left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with
both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I
had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ..
Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked
to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady
upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said,
"I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song
you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener"
--won't admit his name






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Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 9th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 9th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Perfectly Good Aircraft
-------------------------

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of
perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant
replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."





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Monday, July 8, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 8th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 8th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Birds, Bees, and Planes
-------------------------

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."





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Sunday, July 7, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 7th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 7th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Lab Rats
-------------------------

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked
to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers
for experiments in our lab?"


"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"


"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.
"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers
breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights
groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things
even a rat won't do."




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Friday, July 5, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 5th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 5th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
50th Wedding Anniversary
-------------------------

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,
all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm
running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time
to get you both a present."

Not to worry," said the dad.."the important thing is that we're all
here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great,
Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present...
Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary!
I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us
are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the father put
down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you,
there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long
time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise
each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother
and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never
found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the dad..."and cheap ones too!"






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Thursday, July 4, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 4th July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 4th July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Success
-------------------------

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.



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Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 3rd July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 3rd July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Good Egg
-------------------------

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,
with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed
off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"



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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Jokes Warehouse Joke of the Day - 2nd July, 2013

JokesWareHouse.com Joke of the day - 2nd July, 2013 - http://www.jokeswarehouse.com

-------------------------
Agriculture Politics
-------------------------

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Buba Peterson, over at Alexandria, LA, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Mr. Smith

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.




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